...ok, so I wasn't going to blog too much about this just yet,
however,
after sharing this story with a friend tonight she insisted I type it out for accuracy so that I don't lose any bits and/or pieces of what went down.
Long & short of it is what most of you may not know is,
I'm having gastric bypass surgery this year.
Sooner rather than later.
Sooner as in within the next few months.
Anyways, that having been said,
part of the process is a mandatory group meeting with others who intend on having either the bypass or the lap band surgery with our clinical psychologist.
Henceforth known as: Dr.Krazee.
-or Dr.K for short.
(you'll see why before this story is through...)
So, I go to the class,
there was about 18 of us there,
all very wonderful & friendly people.
All, except Dr.K.
Oh, he's friendly alright, in the way you are required to be when working with the public.
Forced smiles, odd moments of silence while still smiling that plastic smile...
I digress.
So, picture if you will, a tall skinny man who,
if he's not careful,
could find himself slathered in barbecue sauce & cooked to a nice golden brown.
After all, he IS working with people with a clear food addiction, yes?
Yes.
So, we get in, we all take turns introducing ourselves, all was going along swimmingly,
until...
...the RAISIN.
So, he says to us all,
(and remember this is the first of 4 meetings we're all required to participate in prior to surgery)
"so this is the first & only time I'll be bringing 'food' to a meeting but I really feel it's an important part of this process..."
So what is the mind of a food addict immediately conjuring up?
POPCORN!
NICE!
Maybe some SMARTFOOD? Ooooh oooh, I know!
Maybe it's a nice movie theater butter... right?
Wrong.
A.
RAISIN.
ONE.
RAISIN.
EACH.
-no joke-
He carefully doles out one raisin to each of us & says, in his ever so 'frighteningly mental patient'ish monotone voice':
"I want you to hold the raisin in your hand, but don't eat it.
Just hold it.
Me thinks: 'Ok dude, I'm holdin' a raisin... next?'
Dr.K: "What do you see?"
Me thinks: 'seriously? did you not just see yourself GIVE us all RAISINS? It sure as hell ain't no chocolate chip!'
Dr.K: "How does it feel?
Is it small?
Is it soft?
Is it hard?
Is it round or wrinkled?
Does it have an odor?
Take your time & truly focus & tell me the first thing you notice about this raisin."
Me thinks: 'Uh, mine's lonely, he needs a friend.'
Dr.K: "Take your time, really focus..."
Me thinks: 'first of all, my eyes hurt now & they're starting to cross.
second of all, now's as good a time as any to see if I can stare at this raisin long enough to turn it into some popcorn?! Awww CRAP! Now I'm hungry! DAMNIT!'
Dr.K: (after everyone has gone cross eyed staring at this thing) "Good, now, I want you to, not eat the raisin quite yet, but bring it up to your nose & smell it, does it have an odor? And if so, is it a pleasant one?"
Me thinks: 'um, didn't you just ask us that already?, oh wait, I know, IT SMELLS LIKE A LONELY RAISIN THAT WANTS TO TURN INTO SOME POPCORN & PERHAPS THE LATEST EPISODE OF OCTOBER ROAD!'
Dr.K: "Good, now, what I want you to do, and without eating it again, just, gently hold the raisin & rub it along your lips, feel how it feels. Is it soft? Is it firm? Is it wrinkled? Is it squishy? Does it feel nice or is it rough against your lips?"
Me thinks: 'first of all, dude, you don't have to keep telling us NOT to eat the raisin. I'm pretty sure, and trust me on this, I kinda have a little experience in this area,
that none of us got here by gobbling down that ONE RAISIN. We're champion eaters, the best at our game. Nobody here is a flight risk for raisin consumption. Now, had you given us each a piece of chocolate cake? TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY! But the raisin? You're safe.
And, while we're at it, seriously, am I at the wrong meeting or something? This isn't fettish phone sex group is it? Cuz this is so startin' to go down a dark path that, unless dessert's provided, I'm pretty sure I should've taken that left at Albuquerque.'
Dr.K: "Now, what I'd like you to do is put the raisin in your mouth but don't eat it or chew it just yet. If you would, just suck on it gently & tell me, how does that feel? Roll it around in your mouth. Explore it with your tongue. Does it have a taste? Is it soft or hard? Is it growing back to life in your mouth? etc etc...
Me thinks: '(ok SO biting my cheeks here to keep composure because I KNOW if I don't do this, I'm going to BUST OUT LAUGHING SO HARD THAT I MAY EITHER PASS GAS OR LITERALLY DIE LAUGHING) did he seriously just say, 'IS IT GROWING BACK TO LIFE IN YOUR MOUTH?! IS THIS GUY SERIOUS OR WHAT? And shit, I knew it, now he's looking at me again... he probably thinks I'm eating my f'n raisin instead of chewing on my cheeks for dear life! Oh suuuuuure, Fat girl's eating her raisin, right? NOT! UGH!'
Dr.K: (now fiercely staring at me with his crazy blue mental patient eyes) "Now I want you to gently chew it, not too fast, take your time, how does it taste? Is it sweet? Do you find that you enjoy it more because of the anticipation of actually getting to chew it?" etc...
Me thinks: 'I think that if you make one more subconscious sexual reference about a f'n raisin I may lose my mind & get kicked out of these sessions! Dude, IT'S A RAISIN!'
Dr.K: "I want everyone to focus on eating mindfully, not mindLESSly, ok? We should all be really taking the time to thoroughly enjoy our food as we just did the raisin."
Me thinks: 'Oh, is that what we just did? I thought I just had sex with mine..."
Dr.K: "Now, don't take this literally, if you go out to dinner & order a baked potato I wouldn't recommend picking it up & rubbing it against your lips, you'd get burned."
Me thinks: 'yes, because THAT'S the only reason frown upon doing such a thing,
THE BURN FACTOR- makes TOTAL sense!
In a million years it would never occur to me that it might be because to the average passer by you've just clearly committed a food felony by way of public spud molestation!
No, that's couldn't be it!'
Dr.K: "(more creepy staring, literally I feel like he's trying to remember the combination to his locker in the staff room & the only obvious place for those numbers is on the back of my cranium & he's going to find them come hell or high water by way of my eye sockets & scaring the living bejesus out of me with his frenzied freaky ass looks & his creepy monotone voice,
which up until now has done NOTHING but talk sex talk & RAISINS!)
Me thinks: 'how much longer until I can go home?
I'm pretty sure there's a half eaten bag of smartfood in the snack drawer..."
Dr.K: "Great everyone well that's it for this session, we'll see you all next Monday, same time same place. Have a great week, and remember, really try to focus on that food, ok?"
Me thinks: 'oh yeah, I'll focus all right, all I've done all night is focus on two things:
1. Raisins are not sexual objects.
Raisins are not sexual objects.
&
2. I should've brought my SMARTFOOD in the car!
More to come on next week's episode of:
Mondays with Dr.K...
signing off.
(but not before I take several Tylenol,
as I literally have a laughing headache from reliving that experience!)
