A Letter To My Daughter...

Dear Ruby,

As I sit here & type this you are happily playing around the house with your beloved friend Bear. It's amazing to me how much you're growing right before my eyes. Last night, for instance, was a big night in our house as you spent your first night in a big girl bed! (Momma's old day bed from my high school days, talk about some memories...) I was proud that you were ready, (secretly I wanted you to still be my baby in the crib...), I was nervous as hell that you'd 'fall out', (you never did...), and I heard you wake up happily this morning proclaiming, "I up Momma! Ruby a big girl! I in a big girl bed!". Baby, when you say such amazing things to me over the monitor, it makes my eyes well up with tears, bittersweet tears, filled with both joy & sorrow. Joy that my girl truly is growing up, and sorrow that my days with a 'baby' are fast dissolving. It's true what other parents say that most 'parents to-be' disregard as I did... the old "it goes by so fast, they'll be grown before you know it...etc". I didn't believe it. I should have listened with my heart to that one, because right now, as the little girl I call Ruby is playing independently all around the house, anywhere but where I am because she no longer needs me as much as she once did, I feel my heartstrings, (be they red or any other color for that matter...) being pulled with a fierceness that I can't make stop. It's part of the pangs of parenthood I suppose... watching your baby become a little girl. You are a little wonder in my eyes. How you not only can speak English but Italian as well, blows me away! You are the best little sponge when it comes to learning new information, and the other night at dinner when you, all of your own doing, said in perfect pronunciation to everyone at the table, "Momma, Nonno bevi vino!"- (Momma, Nonno's drinking wine!) we all stopped & looked at each other in amazement. You are no longer that little wriggly girl who just babbled, drooled, couldn't crawl or walk, or take a step. No, you are not that baby any longer. Now, you are this big beautiful smart girl who never ceases to blow me away with what you've learned. You blasted through crawling like a pro only to graduate to cruising, then walking and now you can out run even me! You have full on conversations in two languages with your friend Bear and make a mean invisible tea for your splendid tea parties, which, by the way, is still my favorite invite to get! You no longer wear diapers, but have graduated to 'pull ups' and can sit on the potty, even though you don't quite yet feel ready to do anything on it, you are ready to sit & wait. And if you can sit & wait, then I can too. Take your time baby, don't grow up too fast on Momma, ok? I still need to hear you sometimes say, "Momma, help pwease?" and if you don't mind, could you finish it off with "Wuv'oo Momma!"

Thanks baby girl... I love you to the moon & back and the sun & back and the stars & back,
and to China & back!

Always & Forever,

-Momma.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

It Was Bound To Happen...

...I knew it would, I just didn't know when.

For as long as I can remember, I've been surrounding myself with children, pretty much since the age of 13. During all those days, weeks, months, years, etc... I've become pretty good at self censoring myself & perfected 'toddler code speak'.
Things that one would NOT want to say in front of their child for fear of having it repeated, I was darn good at making sure not a cuss word escaped my mouth, ever.
Sure we all have those times when we slip, it happens... after all, we're only human, right?

I just never thought it would happen to ME!
I mean, this is ME we're talking about, the self proclaimed Nanny 911, but after tonight, make that Nanny 910 & 1/2.

It went a little something like this:

Uncle Steve was over as he is every Tuesday, and I was sharing a 'cute' but funny story of a conversation that took place earlier this morning between myself & Ruby.

You see, Ruby LOVES when 'Uncle Steve Coming...?!'.
So, silly me, said to her this morning, BRIGHT & EARLY I MIGHT ADD,
" Hey Ruby, do you know what today is?"
Her eyes light up but you can actually SEE her thinking this one through for the proper answer... then she smiles & finally replies:
"UNCLE STEVE COMING?!?!"
Proud in her ability to remember such things, I smiled & said;
"Yes baby, Uncle Steve's coming over tonight!"

Upon hearing this, Steve smiled.
I then proceeded to say to him,
"But I said this to her like, FIRST THING THIS MORNING, and then I realized that ALL DAY I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO HEAR HER ASK 'UNCLE STEVE COMING? UNCLE STEVE COMING?' I was like "OH CRAP!" cuz I knew I'd be hearing that question ALL DAY!

Not realizing that yes miss Ruby was not only still awake during this conversation but apparently listening INTENTLY to each & every syllable escape my lips, I hear (in a cookie monster'esque type growl)
'CRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!'

OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE?@!#$%#$%
"Ruby, don't say that baby, say "Oh Mannnn!', ok?'
'CRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!' (giggling)
"Oh Mannnnnnnnnnnn!'
"NO OH MAN MOMMA!... 'CRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!'" more giggling coupled with falling to the floor to roll around & repeat said word several more times.

OMG MY KID JUST SAID CRAP LIKE AN ANGRY FURRY BLUE COOKIE LOVIN' MONSTER, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?@!?

"Hey Ruby, listen to this, OHHHHHHH MAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!" (giggling in the sad hopes that perhaps she'll see that Momma's word is funny too & maybe she'll wanna try it out...)

*laughing* No 'MAN' Momma, 'CRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!' *laughing*
'CRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!' (louder this time & obviously more giggling.)

Picked up the phone, called Karen, "OMG Karen, you're never gonna believe what I just freakin' taught my kid!..."
"What?"
"Listen to this..."

"Hey Ruby, 'Ohhhhhhh Maannnnnnnnnnnnnn!'
No 'MAN' Momma, 'CRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPP!' *laughing*

"OMG did your kid just say 'crap'?"

*hanging head in shame'
"Yes."

LAUGHING!

Sure, it's funny, of course it's funny, it's funny like a fart in a car but OMG MY KID NOT ONLY KNOWS THE WORD CRAP BUT GETS A KICK OUT OF SAYING IT LIKE TRUE BLUE MUPPET!

Oy Vey, I do believe that's Jewish for
OHHHHH CRAPPPPPPPPP!
*sigh*

Chapter Nine...

"Miss Tondreault, we need you to come with us down to the station," the officer said.
"But why? I didn't DO anything, Jeff was my boyfriend and I loved him more than you'll ever know!" Alice cried.
"I understand that, really I do, but we just need to ask you a couple of questions. You DO want us to catch whoever's responsible for this, don't you?" he asked.
Alice began crying, "yes, of course I do," she said through her tears. "It's just hard, why can't you guys ask me whatever you need to ask here?" she motions her arm inside towards the living room.
"Ma'am, with all due respect, we really need you to come with us & we'd rather it not be through force, ok?" holding his hand out to her.
"Ok, but I hope this isn't going to take all night, I just got home & you guys were here waiting for me, I don't understand?"
Alice is beyond terrified now. She hadn't seen the cruiser parked around the corner from her apartment when Jess dropped her off.
"I'm tired & I'd like to get a good night's sleep if that's ok..." she pleaded.

"Miss Tondreault, we'll have you in & out as fast as we can but we really need to talk about this down at the station ok? So just sit tight until we get there." he shuts the back door to the cruiser & Alice sits, terrified of what's going to happen next.

Did they know? Had she left something there that pointed to her? SHIT!

The drive from her apartment to the police station was a mere five minutes away, but it was the longest five minutes of Alice's life.

"Ma'am, come with me please," the officer offers Alice his hand again & she follows him into the station.
"This is Chief Detective Bianchi, he'll be taking things from here."
"Miss Tondreault, how are you doing this evening? Mind if we head in here to talk?" the detective opens the door to his office.
"Sure," Alice says in almost a whisper.

"Miss Tondreault, Alice, may I call you Alice?"
"Ok..." she says.
"Ok then, Alice, we just want to ask you a few things about the night in question, is that ok?" he asked.
"Yes, that's ok." she said shaking her foot, another nervous habit.

"Now, your friend told us that on the night of January 6Th, you had gotten mugged while walking home from the store, is that correct?" he says.
"My friend? Who, Jess? When did you guys talk to her?" Alice is nervously tapping her foot on the floor now, her heart beating quicker by the second.
"Alice, is that correct?" he asks her.
"Yes, that's true, I was on my way home from the store & a guy jumped out & attacked me." Unable to relax, she sat on her hands to stop them from shaking.
"He came from out of nowhere and jumped me, broke my nose & everything!" she says.
"And where exactly did this attack take place?" he asks.
"What do you mean where? I just told you, on the way home from the store! I don't remember the exact spot, I was too scared to be looking at street signs you know!" her voice getting louder.
"Ma'am, we're just curious if you have anyone that can verify your story?" he said.

"My story? You think this is a story? This is the TRUTH! He broke my NOSE for crying out loud! How much more truth do you people need?!"

"Alice, we're not suggesting you're lying, but we are saying that if someone could verify what you're telling us, if you have a valid alibi, then it would make solving this case that much easier for us, understand?" he asked.

"Ok but alibi, that's like a word those cops use on TV when they don't really believe what the person is saying to them, right? I mean you people think that it's me, you think I killed my own boyfriend, is that it?" her feet were rapidly tapping on the floor, her hands now free from under her behind, shook nervously at her sides. "I'm right aren't I? You think it was ME?!"

"Alice, please calm down, we're merely asking you a couple of routine questions and it would really help us with this investigation if you'd be so kind as to cooperate willingly and ANSWER the questions that are asked of you, ok?" losing his patience with her, he wrote something down on a piece of notebook paper.

"What are you writing there? What are you saying about me?" she tries getting a look at the paper just prior to seeing the officer put his arms over the words.

"Maam, if you can't cooperate, we're going to be here a long time and I know you said you'd like this to be quick so you can get home, yes?" he asks.


"Yes, I just want to go home, can I leave please? I mean you guys can't hold me here can you? I didn't DO anything!" she stands up & starts to pace the room.

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to please remain in your seat for the duration of this discussion," he says to her, "would you please sit back down?"

"How am I supposed to sit when you people are treating me like the bad guy? I just want to go home, I need to rest, I didn't even make it into my house before you guys jumped out at me to drag me here..." Alice's face is starting to bead with sweat.

"Ma'am, I won't ask you again, please return to your seat so we can finish this interview." he motions to her chair.

Alice ignores him & walks over towards the window which was right next to the door to the room.
"Ma'am, if you don't sit down right now I'm going to have no choice but to arrest you for failure to cooperate with an officer..." he said as he stood up.

Alice brings her hands up over her eyes & begins crying, "I just want to go home, please, let me go home..." she sobs.

"Alice, I'm trying to help you get there, but you're not doing yourself any favors by ignoring what I'm asking you to do here... can you please just sit down & answer my questions?" again, he motions to her chair.

Alice slowly returns to her seat & quietly sits down.

"Now, tell me again about when you were mugged..." he says.

"Some guy, I don't know who he was, jumped out from nowhere and tried to take my purse, but I fought him off, and that's how I got my broken bloody nose, and I ran home. That what you wanna hear? How an innocent girl, alone at night got mugged? You guys get off on this shit or what?" she starts sobbing harder now. "I have to relive that horrible night every time you need the facts? Look at the damn bump in my nose, you think that got there by picking flowers at the park? DO YOU?!" She stood up again, angry but still crying, "I'm outta here, I can't take this anymore, I didn't do a thing, you've got the wrong person, you should really stop wasting precious time & leave me the hell alone & go after the real murderer..."

She tries to walk past the officer for the door, but is stopped by his swift hand & the clink of a handcuff snug around her wrist. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but you leave me with no choice, you're under arrest for failure to cooperate with an officer during an investigation."

"LET ME GO!" Alice struggles to get out of the one handcuff as he flips her around securing the other cuff & successfully cuffing both hands behind her back.

"Come with me please..." he says & she is taken to another room where she is asked to relinquish her personal belongings, sign a few papers, has her fingerprints taken & walked to the back of the station where there is one large holding cell, currently empty.

"You'll be spending the night here, while you're here, please think about why it is you're here and not home in your bed, ok?" he takes her cuffs off her as he locks the cell door behind her. She is alone and scared.
"HEY! I GET A PHONE CALL! DON'T I GET A PHONE CALL!?" she yells at him as he's walking away down the hall.

Nothing, she hears his footsteps trailing off until suddenly, silence. Not a sound other than her own breathing.

"I GET A PHONEEEEE CALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!" she's crying so hard now her eyes feel as if they're about to burst out of her skull.

Fifteen minutes go by & she picks her head up to hear footsteps heading in her direction, the sound getting louder with every step.
"HELLO? OFFICER?"

Detective Bianchi stood in front of her cell door, keys in hand, "You get ONE call, and then it's right back here into this cell, understand?"

"Ok, FINE!" she marches off behind him in the direction of the phone. The place is quiet, it's a small town police station with small town cops.

"One call, Miss Tondreault, just one." he motions to the phone.

She walks towards the phone & picks up the receiver. She didn't have to think about who to call, she knew it would be Jess, obviously it would be her, who else do you call when you find yourself in jail but your best friend.

No answer...

"Ma'am, times up. Call's over, let's go."

"WAIT! SHE DIDN'T ANSWER! THAT'S NOT A CALL, THAT'S A DIAL, I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE!" she cried.

"Ma'am, call's up, let's go please." he offers her his hand & she slowly hangs up the phone and starts to head in his direction but the thought of spending the night in that dark cold cell freaked her out so much, she flipped & bolted in the opposite direction & headed straight out the door past one officer who was busy filing some papers, probably the ones she'd just signed.

"HEY, GET BACK HERE! MISS TONDREAULT!" the officer yelled at her. "OFFICER STEVENS, GET HER!" he yelled.

Alice ran as fast as she's ever run in her whole life. She ran down the street across the main drag, into the cemetery next to the church & down behind to the back of the park.
She reached into her pocket where her cell was hiding, she'd conveniently forgotten to surrender that little item.
Frantic, she dials Jess's cell, voicemail DAMN IT!
In a panicked whisper, Alice leaves the following message, "Jess, it's me Al, OMG I'm in so much trouble, please come & get me, I'm freaking out, I just bolted from the damn cops, they arrested me Jess, they had handcuffs on me and everything, where the hell ARE you? OMG Jess, I'm behind the cemetery in the park tucked in behind that old tool shed, you know the one they use in the summer to store the lawn care crap, OMG JESS HURRY! I'M SO FUCKING SCARED!"

She hung up, holy shit what was she supposed to do now? They'd be looking for her, she knew that for sure. Crap, why didn't she just sit & answer his stupid questions in the first place? Why did she have to lose her cool & run like that? Now she knew she looked guilty for SURE!

Keeping herself as out of sight as she could, she sat quietly on the cold ground, shivering because she'd not worn her winter coat that night, terrified that they'd find her. Terrified that Jess wouldn't, that she'd be forced to be there all night & then what? Once morning came, she couldn't hide forever.

"Alice!" she heard her friend whisper to her from the big oak tree near the pond. "Al, where are you?"

"OMG JESS!" Alice whispers back in as loud a whisper as she could muster.
She ran & threw herself around her friend & said "OMG YOU'RE HERE, LET'S GO! WHERE'S THE CAR?! LET'S GO!"
"Alice, calm down, what happened?" Jess asked.
"HOLY SHIT JESS, THERE'S NO TIME FOR THAT, LET'S GO, WHERE THE HELL IS THE CAR?" Alice grabbed Jess's hand with a firm grip & pulled at her desperately hoping to leave as soon as possible.

"Ok, ok, it's over across the other side of the pond, I didn't want to drive too close to town cuz maybe they're looking for you, Alice, what in the hell HAPPENED?"
"No time now! Let's just GO! Please?!"

They ran as quietly as they could & found Jess's car right where she said she'd let it.
They both hopped in & Jess started the engine, "Where are we going Alice?" she asked.
"I don't care! JUST DRIVE! GET US OUT OF HERE!" she pleaded.

"Alice, you're scaring me..."
"DRIVE!!!!!!!!!" Alice screamed at her friend who jumped & hit the gas with such force that the car peeled out on the cold pavement.

"Alice, OMG where are we going? What do you want me to do? What happened?!"
"Jess, promise me one thing, ok? Just one..."
"Anything Al, what is it?" Jess asked.

"Promise me that no matter what happens, we'll always be friends, k? Promise?!"
"Alice, that's just silly, you know we're best friends..." she started to say.
"I MEAN IT JESS, PROMISE ME! NO MATTER WHAT!" Alice said.

"Ok, ok Al, I promise... no matter what. Ok?" Jess reassured her friend.

"Ok... now just drive, I don't care where, but just anywhere but here."

"I know just the place..." Jess said, as she turned onto a familiar back road that headed north.

Reaching Out...*

... To All My Faithful Readers & Friends.

Below is a copy of a letter I received today in the mail.
It is from one of my very dear friends, Christina on behalf of her Sister & family
but most importantly, her nephew Ashton.
I wanted to share it with all of you as I know the generosity you're all capable of
& have been more often than not, with me.
I am beyond thankful to each & every one of you
who have gone above & beyond
to help my little family in times of need.
Now, it is time to think of paying it forward.
My dear friend Christina sent me this letter
in the hopes of reaching as many people as possible
to help her during this walk for the march of dimes
in honor of her adorable nephew, Ashton.
I don't even have a job right now
but I plan on helping as much as I can
and knew that if I put this out here,
that it not only wouldn't hurt, but would be well received.
Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read this
& to those of you who feel compelled to help,
I really have no words other than,
thank you SO MUCH!!
(& I'm pretty sure that Ashton thanks you too.)

*Pictures of Ashton at birth
& updated ones of a very healthy vibrant little boy
& his family will soon follow,
as thus far my attempts to upload them
have been unsuccessful
due to Blogger's being a bit moody!*

Hello Family and Friends,
As you might be aware, our family has been touched by the March of Dimes mission to prevent birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. That’s why we have formed a Family Team “Ashton’s Crew” to raise money and participate in Walk America. Please join us in our fundraising efforts today by sponsoring our walk.
Contributing to our team is fast, easy and secure. You can either donate directly from my personal web page with a credit/debit card or use the enclosed envelope and the blue donation sheet to send in your donation. Your donation is greatly appreciated. You may use the enclosed self stamped envelope with the form to send in your donation rather than doing it online. Every penny counts.
Our family knows firsthand the challenges associated with prematurity. It is important to find out why premature birth happens and what can be done to prevent it. By raising money, ongoing research to answer these critical questions is funded. When you support “Ashton’s Crew”, you show you care and you give hope for defeating premature birth and other threats to babies.
Please join us and millions of compassionate people across the country who support Walk America each year. We need your help. Visit our web page and sponsor our walk!


Click Here to Donate & Read More About Ashton's Crew!

Thank you,
Steven, Jennifer and Ashton Sousa

With your support, there’s hope


“Ashton's Story”

Following the premature birth of his son Ashton Joseph, Steven spent frightening days watching both his wife and their tiny baby fight for their lives. Jennifer had developed complications 26 weeks into her pregnancy. In danger of kidney, heart failure and coma, she had an emergency c-section. Ashton was born weighing just 1 pound, 7 ounces. Both mom and baby survived, but Ashton spent the first 123 days of his life in neonatal intensive care.
He was given surfactant therapy right away to
help his immature lungs inflate and went on to fight and win one medical battle after another - anemia, abnormal blood coagulation, medical NEC, and jaundice. Prior to coming home Ashton faced surgery to correct his bilateral hernias. Despite all of his hurdles, Ashton is an energetic 2-year-old who loves music, dancing, coloring, reading and spending time with his family and friends.

As a former 26 weeker, Ashton will walk with his parents,
Jennifer and Steve, and many friends and family to share
their story, raising awareness of the seriousness of
premature birth. Every year, more than half a million
babies are born prematurely in the U.S. - a national health
crisis that must be stopped. Jennifer explains, "Due to the
increasing rate of premature birth among American
women, we feel an urgency to work with the March of
Dimes to raise awareness and to support research that
would further impact the lives of babies. We are very
passionate about helping all families."

Every year, half a million babies in the U.S. are born prematurely. Premature birth is the leading cause of newborn death and many life long disabilities. The funds we raise in Walk America support research that saves babies' lives.

Our mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.
Please everyone who sees this know what a great cause this is. All who donate and help my heart goes out to you. Thank you for helping save our baby and all the other babies out there.

A Moment Of Pride...

...it's funny how if I pull out my old books from my trip to China, the memories come flooding back as if they just happened yesterday. Upon visiting the Great Wall & Tiananmen Square, we had the opportunity to purchase books of those places with a beautiful group photo in the front cover for our specific travel group. I believe the cost was only $10 American dollars, well worth the perfectly packaged travel size memories, right?
Absolutely.
But what I realized once I came home was that those books, however treasured they were to me, kind of fell by the way side in with other various 'China things' to be 'saved' for a rainy day.
Well, I'm here to share with you all that, today- it's a beautiful sunny day in the mid 40's - 50's which is pretty nice New England weather in my opinion. Not a cloud in the sky... so why did I chose today to pull out those books?
Well, it all started a little over a week ago when miss Ruby Cate & I were at the local library in the children's room playing & reading story after story. We befriended a lovely woman named Dai and her daughter Ada. Turns out, they're from Shanghai, China and are now living right here in my home town. Dai is 32 and Ada will be 3 the end of April.
As you can imagine, Ruby and Ada played so well together and Ada's mom was just amazed at how well the girls got along. She asked me "How old is your husband?"
I chuckled.
"Um, I don't have a husband actually, I'm a single parent." I said.
"Oh, well your daughter is beautiful, she has your face." she said.
I smiled.
"Yes, she does, doesn't she?" proud as punch.
"So, her Daddy must be Asian man, yes?" she asked.
Again, I smiled, bigger than before.
"Yes, her birth parents are both Chinese. I adopted Ruby as a single mother in November of 2005. We do not know who her birth parents are, but she does know who her mother is, watch;
Hey Ruby, where's Momma?" I called over to her.
Ruby, with an even bigger smile than my own, came bounding over to me with arms open & gave me the biggest hug & said "Momma!!!!"
Best hug I ever got.
Dai said, "Oh my, she looks just like you, I just thought that she was yours..."
I politely smiled and said, "She is mine, she's my daughter. But yes, it is pretty amazing how someone made this match a world away because I agree with you, she does look like she could be my biological child."

"Yes, she does! You both so beautiful!" Dai said.
Again I smiled, and a friendship was born.
Two friendships actually, mine with Dai, and Ruby's with Ada.

Fast forward to today, Dai and Ada came over for a play date. The girls were thrilled to see one another again & Dai & myself enjoyed some tea & blueberry apple yum cake that I had made from scratch. (recipe later, I promise!)

In talking with Dai I was telling her all about my adventures in China over the two weeks I spent there & she chuckled saying "you have seen more of my country than I have!"
It was then that I remembered those books.
I took them out & presented them both to Dai & said, "These were our souvenir books of our visits to the Great Wall & Tiananmen Square. Our pictures are in the front cover... "
Dai took the books & one by one, she opened them.
"Oh, you have such short hair then, but still such a pretty smile! You look very happy!"
She continued to browse the books & as she did, my mind drifted back to those days, those moments when those pictures were taken. When every person in them was happy to finally be in China no doubt, but despite all the excitement of the Great Wall & Tiananmen Square, I hazard to guess that we all had something slightly more important on our minds.
Our children.
You see, we visited these placed before we met our girls.
Each one of those faces, smile shining bright, also to me held a little more than just happiness...

we all held hope.
Hope that we make it through the first three days safely.
Hope that we take as many pictures as possible to remember our time in our Daughter's home land for many years to come.
Hope that the flight from Beijing to Nanchang would be safe & uneventful...
...and hope that sooner, rather than later, our precious daughters would finally be in our arms.

I looked at that girl with the short black hair, the big fat Italian face, the huge cheezy 'holy shit I can't believe I'm actually in China!" smile, and tears filled my eyes.

"What is wrong, Amy? Are you ok?" Dai asked.
"Yes, I'm fine. I'm just remembering how amazing it was to be there, to go through this process, to see the things I've seen & have the memories I have & to know that the little girl playing in the other room is my living breathing dream come true... all because I decided one cold winters night back in 03 that it was time I become a Mother.

Amazing how one little decision changed my life for the better, forever.
I may not have short hair anymore, I may have gained a few lbs since falling into step with the daily routine of becoming a Mother, but looking at that group photo, at the smile on my face and the hope shining from my eyes, I was proud of that girl.
Proud that as a single woman in her 30's, she didn't let the odds beat her.
She ignored her MS & Diabetes, she ignored the naysayers who said she couldn't or shouldn't do it, she paid no attention to how much the journey would ultimately cost & put out of her mind her incredibly huge fear of flying because she just knew in her heart that,
where there's a will, there's a way.
She just followed her heart, and it led her straight to the most beautiful little girl she'd ever laid eyes on.
It led her to her daughter.
And for that, I am forever grateful to that short haired, loud mouthed Italian girl who didn't stop until she saw her dream of being a mother become a reality through the gift of one beautiful little girl named Fu Pei Mu.

Auntie Love...

Ruby Cate & Isabella Grace in:

'SATURDAY WITH MY COUSIN'

Stuck...

...because exersaucers aren't for ADULTS anymore.
(Dumb ass... and yes, that's my LITTLE BROTHER!)

Silly Time...

...bowl for one!

Pig + Tails =

SERIOUSLY CUTE!

Another Pic Fix...

Yes, sometimes I really do watch TV like this...

Ah, Bear... he's just a love whore!

Hey! Easter Nonno! Um, where are my Easter eggs? Huh?

I love hanging upside down from your lap Easter Nonno...

...it just makes me GIGGLE!
(and obviously some of the blood goes rushing to my little noggin,
but so far, so good. Just let's not do this all day, deal? And what about those eggs?)

Chapter Eight...

"DUDE, DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY!" Tony yells to Nick as he's trying to catch up to his friend who was fiercely hauling ass across the street towards the studio.

"AND DON'T COME BACK!" Nick screams to the stranger with the hat, who is now high tailing it down Ocean in the direction of the highway.
"ASSHOLE!" Nick shakes his head in disgust & looks up to see Tony just now making it to where he is. "Took ya long enough, cripes Tony, you really ought to think about coming with me to the gym once in a while man."

Tony, pretending he hadn't heard him, "That guy just didn't know when to quit! I'm glad we chased him outta here!"

Nick, not feeling in the mood to split hairs over who actually did the chasing, changed the subject, "So, what's up with funeral plans for Jeff? You hear anything yet? She's gotta do it soon right? I mean, they can't keep him in a morgue forever."

Tony thinks for a minute, "No, I don't think they can, can they?" he looks confused.

"Never mind," Nick pats his cell phone, "she'll call when she knows something."

Nick checks the lock on the door of the studio, good & secure. "Alright man, I'm outta here, I'll catch you later, k?" he waves to Tony & heads for his car. Tony, smiling, says "Ok dude, see ya tomorrow." as they head home in different directions, Nick towards town & Tony off away from town to his larger than life house filled to capacity with Italians just waiting to feed you a home cooked meal.
Such different lives yet such cemented friendships.

Nick arrives home, well it was home to him anyway, a charming little studio apartment on the east side of town, right on the water. Cost him a fortune, but in the summer was a tiny slice of oceanfront heaven that he wouldn't trade for the world... well, maybe to get Jeff back, but he knew that wasn't an option.
He put the key in the door & headed inside, the place was frozen in the wintertime & the money he shelled out for heat barely left him much in the way for groceries & other necessities.
Ah, the price you pay for prime real estate in Massachusetts.

He tossed his keys down on the side table by the door & went to grab his space heater. "It's like a God damned IGLOO in here!" he said to himself aloud.
He sets the heater down on the hardwood floor, directly in front of the couch, plugs it in & turns it on. "C'mon you bastard," he says to it, as if it's going to listen & heat up his little place sooner rather than later. "I'm fucking frozen!"

He puts a pot of coffee on & goes to his bedroom area & grabs an extra pair of wool socks & a big polar fleece throw & heads for the couch.
Plopping himself down, he grabs the remote & turns on the TV; "Authorities are saying that they still don't know who is responsible for the vandalism, but investigators are looking into it." the news caster reported. "And in other more local news, the murder of 28 year old Jeff Hathaway Jr, is still under investigation. Authorities are currently following several possible leads & ask if anyone knows any information, to please contact the Collins Cove police department. In other news, one local man is being hailed a hero tonight after saving a family of stray cats from a burning shed in his neighbors yard. Ron Sandy with the story, Ron?"
Nick clicked off the TV. Who in the hell would want to murder Jeff? It had been on his mind ever since hearing it even happened to begin with.
Jeff was a good egg, just a bit high energy once in a while, no biggie.
Nothing anyone would wanna kill him over, certainly.

The smell of coffee was wafting through his little one room paradise like a fart in a car, only much, much better.
He got up & made himself a handsome cup with both cream & sugar, never understood why anyone would drink black coffee when such flavor was available at the shake of a sugar packet or the popping open of a little creamer.

His pocket started to vibrate, he reached for his cell & checked the caller, 'Jess H.' calling... "Hello, Jess? Everything ok?" he was happy she had called.
"Nick, no every thing's not ok, you got a minute?" she sounded scared.
"Jess, for you I got ten, what's up?" he said.
"It's Alice, she's just," she hesitated...
"She's what, Jess, what is it?" he pleaded.
"She's acting a little nuts, like paranoid almost. I don't understand it but honestly, she just isn't being her, I know that for a fact. I've known her for years, I know her better than anyone and I just can't pinpoint why she's behaving this way. I mean I know she lost a boyfriend too but c'mon, we all lost someone we loved dearly, this is hard on all of us!" she started to cry.

"Aw, Jess honey, don't cry, it's ok, Every thing's gonna be ok, I promise." he said.

"I just don't understand it, why is she so afraid of talking to the cops? I mean it Nick, it's like she's acting crazy or something. I mean it's not like she's got anything to hide, none of us do, we ALL loved Jeff! And now, she just wanted to go straight home, she didn't invite me in and she just said she needed to sleep & said goodnight, just like that, goodnight. No hug, no nothing. I'm really worried about her. I'm afraid she might do something drastic. I really want to be there with her but I'm not, I'm here in my apartment alone, that isn't being a very helpful friend, right? I mean, I should call her & insist on coming back over to stay with her, don't you think?" she heard the sound of her voice rambling.

"Jess, first of all, relax for me, will ya? I mean, it, we can't solve anything if you start to lose your marbles too, right? Ok so let's think. Maybe she really just does need some time alone, I mean we've all been through a pretty big tragedy here, right? It goes without saying that we might want some down time to process all this stuff. It's some pretty heavy shit Jess, you gotta admit that much." he said, hoping he had calmed her down, if only just a little.

"Yeah, I suppose but I'm her best friend Nick, why, of ALL people, shut ME out?" Jess was obviously upset.

"Jess, look... you want me to come over & stay with you? I can totally come over there right now, it's freezin' ova here anyways..." he said hopeful she'd say yes.

"No, I'd just bum you out, I just needed to vent, who knows. Maybe I just need a good long cry & a half decent night's sleep. You're sweet to offer though, thank you for that." she said.

Disappointed, Nick says to her, "Well, if you change your mind, you know how to reach me, k? Sleep well Jess & try not to let this bother you too much, Alice loves you to pieces, I'm sure she just needs a good night's sleep, like we all do, k?"

"Yeah, you're right. Thanks Nick, goodnight." and she hung up the phone.

Nick snaps his cell shut & slips it back into his pocket. He slinks back into the cushions of his couch, the space heater just now starting to give off some warmth, he curls up under his blanket and allows his thoughts to wander.

On the other side of town, at that exact same moment, Jess too allows her mind to wander, but unlike Nick, her wandering leads her home.

Chapter Seven...

"Can we please turn this off?" Alice pleads, "I'm just really not in the mood for the radio right now." she said.

"Sure Al, no problem." Jess says as she turns the knob.

"Where we going anyways?" Alice asks.

"Where else? Taste Buds! Why, where did you think we were going? Al, we always hang out there." Jess said.

"I know, it's just that we're probably gonna run into people and I don't know if I can handle that right now..." she sighed.

"Al, honey I know you lost your boyfriend but I lost my brother too, remember?" Jess was slightly agitated, "If I can go in there to eat something, then you can too, k?"

Alice knew she was right, and she knew she was acting irrational. Sure she was in this deep but nobody knew that & her actions were going to be what gave her away long before any evidence, that much she knew. "Ok, you're right, I'm sorry."

"Alice, we're both exhausted, spent not only emotionally but physically too. Neither of us have had anything real to eat in what's seemed like forever, so let's just agree to relax, eat something bad for us that we both know we'll enjoy every last bite of, and if someone sees us, than we smile & say hi. No different than any other time right? I mean, isn't that what Jeff would've wanted?" Jess says.

Alice thinks that what Jeff would have wanted was to be alive today to come to lunch with them. To enjoy one of Gina's double deck er burgers with a mountain of fries next to it & smother everything in ketchup. But instead, he's lying in a morgue. Yeah, she was pretty sure that's not where he'd have chosen to be had he been given a choice.
"Yeah, I suppose." Alice told her.

The car pulls up & through the window Jess can see that both Nick and Tony are sitting at the counter, she hopes that Alice didn't notice cuz she'd be sure to protest their staying.
"I can't wait for some of those fries!" Jess says, trying to psyche Alice up.

"Yeah, they'll be good, I want mine extra crispy with a crap ton of salt & so much ketchup that I could swim in it!" Alice replied, laughing.

Getting out of the car & peeking into the window, Alice notices Nick and Tony sitting at the counter, "Ugh, Jess! Nick and Tony are here!" she grumbles.

"Too late now hon, I'm parked & we're HAVING those FRIES! Let's go..." Jess insists.

*sigh* "Ok, but only because I can actually TASTE those fries now!" Alice says.

They walk in & the bell on the door jingles & both Nick & Tony swing around to see who it is.

"HEYYYYY ALICE! JESS! HOW ARE YOU?" Nick leaps out of his stool & walks over to hug both the girls, Alice first, Jess next.

Alice says, "I'm ok, we're ok... we're just tired & hungry."

"Yeah," says Jess, "we haven't eaten anything in forever."

"Hey Gina! The girls are here, you got more of those fries good and hot?" Nick smiles at Jess, "I know those are your favorite." he's proud of this knowledge.

Jess smiles, "Yeah, they are Nick, thanks for remembering. So, how are things, ah, well, how's the music, I mean, aw hell, how are you and Tony doing since all of this? I'm sorry I haven't been around much, I'm still just trying to process it all. It's all just a bit too much, ya know?" Jess feels like a brick just landed on her chest again.

"Yeah, it sucks. Nick and I can't play for shit without your brother. I know it sounds stupid but if anyone was gonna croak it should've been one of us cuz anyone can replace a drummer or an acoustic guitarist but honestly, bass, that's a serious craft, nobody played bass better than Jeff." Nick said.

"HEY, YOU SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!" Tony hollered from his seat, "I ain't dying anytime soon and you could NOT replace these puppies!" holding up his hands and wiggling his fingers.

"Dude, the guy from Def Leppard still plays better than you and he's only got ONE arm! Trust me, we could replace you if we had to..." Nick chuckles.

"Yeah right, like you even know who that guy is, ok smart ass, he's so good, what's his name & why did he lose his arm anyway?" Tony leans in to Gina & says "Watch this, he don't know any of that stuff..."

Gina leans in a little, "Uh, but you don't either Tony, do you?"

"Shhhh no, but he don't know that!" he tries to quiet her.
"Well?" Tony impatiently waits for Nick's answer.

Nick, turns towards Tony, looks him directly in his eyes, and says; "His name is Rick Allen, he lost his arm in a traffic accident and the year was 1984. Anything else?"

Tony's eyebrows immediately frown, "Oh yeah, you think you're so smart, WHAT ARM WAS IT?" Tony yells.

"His left." Nick replied. "Now if your pop quiz is over, I believe we have two hungry friends here who would like to eat.

"Thanks," Jess said, "we're starving."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever... let em eat." Tony barks, embarrassed.

"Care to join us at the counter?" Nick eagerly asks.

"Thanks, but I think we want to just go sit quietly somewhere in our own table, if you don't mind." Jess felt bad but honestly she just didn't want to have to socialize much more than she'd done already.
She was friendly, she smiled, she made small talk, but now it was time for her & Alice to just eat, in peace. It wasn't too much to ask.

"Hey Gina," Jess calls over, "Two Cokes, some of those amazing fries & two double deckers, k?" Jess ordered without ever asking Alice what she wanted, she knew.

"Hey, what if I didn't want a burger, what if I wanted a grilled cheese or something? Alice snapped.

"Well, do you want a grilled cheese?" Jess asked her.

"No, I want a burger." Alice said.

"Ok then, SHOOSH!"

They slid into the front corner booth, the one that overlooked the main drag & had a perfect view of every building across the street from the main street lights down to the old firehouse.
Alice fingers the sugar packets as she stares off into space, clearly not here emotionally, only physically.
"So..." Jess says.

"What?" Alice asks her.

"Well," Jess responds, "It's just that we haven't talked much about all that's going on. You know Al, if you wanna talk about it, if you need to talk about it, I just want you to know that I'm always here for you..." Jess said.

"Thanks Jess, but really, there's not much to talk about. Talking about Jeff won't bring him back... so why talk?"

"I know, but I'm just saying..." she said.

"I know," Alice said through teary eyes, "I know. Same here, ok?"
Jess knew that that was probably harder for Alice to say than anything, and she loved her for it.

Gina comes over with their food, smiles, and places it on the table in front of them. "Anything else ladies?" she asks.

"Nah," Alice says, "we're ok for now, thanks Gina..." and smiles up at her friend.

"Okie dokie" she says as she skips off toward the kitchen.

Jess notices Tony's eyes following Gina's every move. "Poor guy, he'll never get with the likes of her anytime soon... huh Al?"

Alice, lost in the jumbled mess that was her mind these days, looks up startled, "Huh? What was that?" she asks.

"Never mind..." Jess replies.

The two enjoy their first real meal since their lives were turned upside down.
It tasted good & they started to feel slightly relaxed and a bit more calm.
Alice looks over across the street at the boys studio and notices a weird guy in a hat hanging around the side entrance.

"Jess," she motions with her head, "check this out..."

Jess looks up from taking a big bite of burger & sees the guy out front of the studio.
"So?" she says with a full mouth, "what's wrong with him? Looks harmless enough." she takes a long gulp of her coke.

"What's wrong with him? Ah, how about what's RIGHT with him? Look at the guy! His hat is ridiculous, his outfit is like something out of a good will bin & he's hanging around outside the studio, which is OBVIOUSLY closed... THAT'S what's wrong with him." Alice says.

"Ok, so maybe we should tell Nick & Tony about him, I mean, it's not like it's our place..." she takes a hand full of fries.

"No, are you nuts? What if he's a COP!" Alice heard her voice raise.

"Would you RELAX Alice, honestly you're starting to freak me out with how paranoid you're acting... gosh!" Jess wipes some ketchup off her fingers.

"Ok, ok, but what if he IS a cop? I'm just saying that all I want to do is enjoy the rest of this meal without having to deal with reality, is that too much to ask?" Alice poked at her Coke with the straw, swirling the fizz out of it.

"No," Jess answered, "that's not too much to ask Alice, but don't you think that's what I want too? You don't get it do you, I still have yet to deal with the messiness that is planning a funeral/burial for my OWN BROTHER OK?" Jess's eyes welled up with tears now.

"Ok, you're right, I'm sorry, it's hard on both of us but clearly, the brunt of the responsibility falls on your shoulders, and I just keep forgetting that. I love you, don't cry. I didn't mean to make you upset, I'm just upset too..." Alice reached over & put her hand on top of Jess's.

Jess smiled through her tears and squeezed her friends hand, "I know old friend, I know... C'mon, let's finish this lunch & then I really have to get home to see about making the arrangements."

"Sounds like a plan." Alice said as she wiped up a few bits of stray salt from her plate with her last two fries.


"What do you think they're talking about over there?" Tony asks Nick.
"I dunno dude, the weather? What do YOU think... DUH they're probably talking about Jeff!" Nick said impatiently.
"Oh, yeah... Jeff." Tony got quiet. "You know something, I'm really gonna miss him."
"Yeah, me too dude, me too." Nick agreed.
"Well, c'mon, let's get the hell outta here & find out where that weirdo with the hat went, he best not be lurking around outside or he's gonna be finding himself smack in the middle of some trouble, if you know what I'm sayin'." Nick said with authority. "No weird ass hat guy is gonna be hanging round my place." he said.
"OUR place," Tony piped up, "you always forget that, it's OURS, remember? I pay half that rent you know..."
"Yes, how could I forget when you love to constantly remind me of that fact..." Nick rose up out of his seat at the counter & turned in the direction of the girls. "Let's go say goodbye to Alice & Jess before we go, k?"
"Yeah, sure..." Tony said as he was trying desperately to get one last look at Gina, who was currently out back in the kitchen probably cleaning the dishes of the last table she cleared.

"Hey ladies, we're outta here, anything we can do or get for you before we jett?" Nick's question meant for both of them but directed at Jess.
"Thanks Nick, but I think we're ok." she said.
"Ok, well if you need us for anything, you know how to reach me..." he taps his hand on his jeans pocket, where his cell phone is always kept.
"Yes Nick," Alice says, "we know."

The boys leave & head out the door, only to notice that that crazy hat dude was now hanging around outside their studio... they bolt in his direction at lightning speed.

"Jess, check this out!" Alice says to her, while looking out the window across the street, "they're going after that guy! I told you he was no good!" she says triumphantly.
"Alice, those two would jump a frog that hopped in front of them the wrong way. Them going after that guy in the hat only proves one thing," she says smiling to herself, "in the past week, neither of them has gotten any smarter." she says chuckling. "They're just chasing him away from the studio, that's all"

"Aw, come on, they're good guys!" Alice says in their defense.

"I didn't say they weren't, but Al, good doesn't equate smart, comprende?"

Alice just grins at her, "Now you know that's not fair, I failed Spanish in high school, no trickery disguised as a foreign language woman!"

Both girls laugh & leave their money on the table with a handsome tip for their friend Gina, and they head out the door for home... leaving the fantasy of their afternoon lunch behind them & the knowledge of the sad reality dead ahead.

A "Ruby & Bear" Photo Love Story...

Just When I Thought I Was Stealthy...

...my daughter called my bluff!
Ruby went out with her Nonno for their Saturday walk together,
and me feeling 'crafty' snuck quietly into my bedroom window,
cracked open the blinds JUST ENOUGH so I could slip the camera through,
zoomed in, focused the shot, feeling victorious, when:

" I SEE YOU MOMMA! "

So much for 'STEALTH'.
LOL

Damn, that kid's GOOD!

"Bye Bye Blue Nappy..."

Yesterday, by the grace of God, my daughter, slept in her crib for her nap.
Prior to that, she has been terrified of it, screamed about it, stayed away from it, thus hardly playing in her beautiful room at all. Only going in here & there to get a book & IMMEDIATELY run out & away from her crib.

While she slept yesterday, I decided to just take the bull by the horns & I disassembled her 'Blue Nappy' (hand me down, pack & play from her Auntie Sue & Uncle Dave) and put it in the back hall so that it was no longer an option.

I don't remember exactly why she slept in the crib yesterday, I think I enticed her to go in there cuz I A. left the music on (which she loves, it's all instrumental lullaby's in a classical format) and B. gave her every single one of her 'favorite' blankets, which equals to about a zillion.

She woke up from her nap happy & in good spirits.
Check one.
She gave me a 'snuggy hug' and asked if we could play with her 'house'. (little people doll house, she LOVES IT!)
Check two.
She peeked into my bedroom from our spot on the floor of the play room & noticed that her friend, 'Blue Nappy' wasn't there anymore.
Uhoh.
"Momma? Blue Nappy?"

"Sweetie, Blue Nappy went bye bye, Ruby's a big girl, big girls sleep in big girl cribs, ok?"

"Ruby a BIG GIRL!" smiling big.

"Yes sweetie, you're a big girl & you don't need that blue nappy now, you sleep in your pretty big girl crib with all those cute ladybugs and your special blankets AND your MUSIC!"

"Bye bye blue nappy." hugging Bear.

"Yes sweetie, bye bye blue nappy..."

"Momma?"

"Yes Ruby?"

"Play house?"

And as easy as that, the blue nappy debate was handled AND last night, for the ENTIRE NIGHT, my daughter slept IN HER OWN CRIB IN HER OWN BEDROOM WITH HER OWN MUSIC & BLANKETS & BEAR & A SIPPY & SEVERAL BOOKS and Momma didn't have to get up ONCE!

Somebody up there LOVES ME!
hehehehe