Chapter One...

Alice clutched a corner of the pillow tightly in her hands. They were shaking.
"What have I done?!" she thought.
The room was cold, she felt like ice, frozen in time.
She walked over to the thermostat & turned the heat up to 68, hoping it would kick in soon.

Why had she gone over? Why did he have that type of hold on her? She answered every pathetic call of his, every demand met, every unreasonable notion, not her own... yet still followed to a T, as if she were merely a puppet & he held the strings.

"Well, puppet no more..." she thought.
OH MY GOD, was he dead? Should she go check?
All she wanted to do was call Jess. After all she was her best friend and that's what best friends are for, right? To be your shoulder to cry on, your confidant, your rock.
If only it were that simple.

She barely filled one square cushion of her sofa, her body positioned in such a way that it was obvious she wasn't committed to actually sitting there, but merely mulling over the night's events. Alice made it a habit, when she got nervous, of thinking out loud to herself...

"He can't be dead, can he? Well it was self defense, he came AT me, what else was I SUPPOSED to do? Let him hit me, again?"
"No," she decided... "no more hitting, ever." She had had enough abuse.
She didn't know why she kept it a secret all these years, why she didn't confide in someone, why she didn't seek help.
But then, deep down, she knew.
Telling someone, meant telling the only person she'd want to tell,
the only person she trusted in the world,
Jess.
And telling her this, just wasn't an option... at least not yet.

"Why did Jeff have to be such a charming asshole? Why didn't I find the courage to leave him before this night?" she said to herself out loud.
She knew she was wasting time worrying about things that can't be undone and also probably sounding more & more like a crazy person talking to herself like this.
"CHRIST, I SHOULD GO OVER & CHECK ON HIM!"
But just as she barely got that sentence out, the phone rang.

Alice picked up the receiver with an unsteady hand, "Hello?"
"Alice, hey hon, you never called me back earlier. Everything all right?"
Jess's voice was like magic on the phone.
"Uh..." she knew her voice was shaking, STOP THAT DAMN IT! *she thought* You'll give yourself away! "...I'm ok, just a little tired, was about to go to bed. Can we talk tomorrow?"

"Well, ok I guess, but honestly Alice, you just don't sound like yourself."

"I know," she said "I'm sorry Jess I'm just having one of those nights. I PROMISE we'll talk first thing in the morning ok?"
Jess's long slow exhale on the line meant that it wasn't 'ok' but that she'd accept that for now.
"Ok Alice, just give me a call when you wake up, all right?"
"Goodnight Jess, I'll talk to you in the morning."
Alice hung up without ever hearing if Jess even said bye or goodnight or anything. She was too worried that the sound of her voice, the quickness of her responses, were both dead giveaways.

She walked into the bathroom & ran herself a hot bath.
Moving into her bedroom as the water slowly filled up the tub, she took off her clothes.
Her shirt, she noticed, had a few small spots of blood on the collar.
"Shit!" was that his, or hers?
She took the shirt to the bathroom, which was now filling up with steam & ran the collar under some cold water & let it soak in the sink.
While standing there in front of the mirror, she examined her nose, now broken, from Jeff's powerful swing.
"Fuck," she thought "fuck, fuck, FUCK!"
It's not like it was the first time he had broken her nose, in fact tonight's break makes 3.
"Huh," she half chuckled to herself, "third time's the charm, my ASS!"

She grabbed a few tissues & dabbed them with the cold water from the sink & gently cleaned off the area of crusted dry blood from around her nostrils.

"It's probably my blood, it HAS to be mine. Hell, I didn't hit him THAT hard, did I?"
Her mind was racing, she felt cold & dizzy & faint all at once.

The noise from the rushing water consumed her hearing so that she didn't notice when her phone rang again. The machine picked up...
~Hey, it's Alice... you know what to do.~
*beep*
"Alice, it's me, listen I'm worried about you. I know you better than you think I do and you need me right now, I can feel it. I'm on my way & I'll be there in less than five..."
*Beeeeep*

Unaware of her friends call, Alice shuts off the faucet
& lowers herself slowly into the hot water.

Her nose hurts, she can't even touch it without every nerve in her body feeling as though it's been shocked.
She decides to let it be & not to try & fiddle with it.
What's done is done, it's broken... she'll deal with that later.
Right now all she wants is to soak in this bath & pretend tonight didn't happen.
But, the funny thing about baths, is that what started out as an attempt at some solace ends up being alone time with your thoughts & more importantly, your fears.

"What if someone finds him? What if he IS dead? What if he's NOT dead?
Oh my God, what if I only knocked him unconscious & he's going to come to eventually?
He'll show up here for SURE!"
Now her heart was racing faster than before, despite the soothing feeling of being surrounded by all this hot water.
"Shit..." her head felt as if any second it was going to explode.
"If he IS dead, then what? Do I make an anonymous call to the cops?
Will his work realize if he doesn't show up?
Will Jess start asking questions?"

She dunked her head completely under the hot water, it stung her eyelids a little, but felt good.

Now laying in the quiet of her steam filled bathroom, Alice heard a knock at the door.

"OH MY GOD!" terrified, she got up & wrapped in a towel. "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? COULD IT BE? WAS JEFF NOT DEAD?"
She slowly tiptoed to the hallway to peek in the direction of the front door, only to find that long familiar ponytail she's come to know as Jess's gorgeous flawless hair.
Oh how she was jealous of that hair, ever since they were kids, Alice had stringy blond hair that didn't seem to do much in the way of cooperating... but Jess, oh how gorgeous Jess was, had always been. Her brilliant chestnut brown hair with the natural red highlights was thick and luxurious and never out of place. *bitch* she thought.
Oh she loved her, like the sister she never had, but a girl is allowed to be jealous if the grass is greener, even if it's the grass of a friend, ESPECIALLY when it's your BEST friend!

Alice held her towel tight & pulled on her fuzzy slippers.
She goes to the door, hesitant to open it but knowing she hasn't a choice, Jess saw her.
"Hi, Jess, what are you..." but before Alice could say another word;
"JESUS CHRIST ALICE, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?!"
Jess instinctively reached to touch Alice's nose but stopped herself before actually making contact. "OMG WHO did this to you?"

Alice had never told Jess that Jeff beat her regularly. She was too embarrassed and well, there were other reasons.
"I'm fine Jess, really, come in before I freeze from this night air."
Jess came in & shut the door behind her.
"Alice, seriously what happened? Were you jumped? Did someone attack you? Christ you've gotta stop walking to the store alone at night! This is the third time you've been hurt!"

Alice's guilt weighed heavily on her heart, oh how much she wanted to tell her friend, how very much she wanted to just spill everything & then get one of those familiar Jess hugs that always seem to make everything better.
"It's nothing Jess, really... just some bum who wanted a few bucks, I went to get him some & he tried to steal my purse, no biggie. I'm fine, honest."
"YOU ARE NOT FINE ALICE! LOOK AT YOUR GOD DAMNED NOSE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!"
Jess was right, Alice's nose was a disaster but she was trying not to think about it, not to mention her bath water was getting cold.
"Jess, I was kind of taking a bath..."
"Oh Alice, I'm sorry, go ahead, finish your bath, I'll make you a cup of tea for when you come out, ok?"
Alice smiled at her friend & made her way back into the bathroom.
Lowering herself back into the water, which was still hot just not as much as before, she could hear the sounds of Jess filling the kettle with water from the sink, placing it on the rear burner (the front one was broken, she should call the landlord about that) and then curling up on Alice's couch & clicking on the TV.

Alice finished her bath & got out & toweled herself off.
How many times can she lie to her best friend?
How many times would sweet good hearted Jess believe her stories of being mugged or attacked? And if she believed all these stories, where, in her mind, was Jeff at the time? Wasn't my boyfriend supposed to be my 'protector', my 'bodyguard'? "ha," she thought. Boyfriends were supposed to be alot of things, sadly Jeff was none.
Oh he was handsome, sure. He was handsome and charming & Alice fell for it, every bit of it.
The fact that they'd been sweethearts since childhood didn't help matters much.
She remembers all the sweet times they had as children.
Alice, Jeff & Jess all playing together in the neighborhood.

Alice can still remember the day that Jeff's family moved into that little yellow house across the street. How excited she was to have new neighbors, and what luck, someone her OWN AGE! If she had only known then what she knew now. *sigh*

Alice pulled on her robe & her slippers again & walked out to the couch to join her friend.
"Feel better?" Jess asked.
"Yeah, kinda." Alice replied.
"Water should be ready soon... you got any cookies?" asked Jess.
"Um, I don't know, I'd have to look..." Alice replied.
"Oh, don't worry, I'll find something," and Jess sprung to her feet, walked over to her friend, gently kissed her cheek & skipped into the kitchen to rummage through Alice's cupboards.

Alice's head hurt, she should slip a little rum into that tea, if only she had any.

She'd gotten rid of all the alcohol in her apartment, ever since Jeff promised her he'd quit.
He said he'd changed, that he loved her & would never drink again.
Never say never, isn't that what they say?
Well, if not rum, then some aspirin, say half a dozen...
*ugh*
Jess called to Alice from the kitchen, "I found some Nilla wafers!"
"Great," Alice said, "I'll be right in." Alice said.
"No, don't you move!" Shouted Jess, "I'll bring it out to you, you want cream and sugar?"
"Sure," Alice answered, thankful that her friend DID know her enough to know that she didn't feel like moving off the couch.

Jess returned with a little plate full of Nilla wafers & two hot cups of tea, orange pekoe, their favorite.
Alice took the cup & smiled up at Jess, who smiled back.
Jess returned to the couch, curled up next to her friend and took a sip of her tea.
"So," Jess began, "are you going to tell me what happened or am I going to have to guess?"
Alice took a long sip of her tea, it felt good sliding down her throat warming her from the inside.
"Jess, really, it's not a big deal, I just have bad luck that's all."
"Bad luck MY ASS Alice! That's the 3rd time now! What the hell is really going on?!"
Alice could see that her friend was losing her patience. Obviously out of love for her but losing it nonetheless.
"And where the hell is Jeff when all this happens!? Why is he never there to help you?!
He's supposed to be your boyfriend, remember?!!" Jess shouted.
Alice took another sip of her tea & reached to grab a cookie. "Jess, you know he's busy, he's got the band & his work. He always feels bad after, but it's not like he meant to not be there for me." Alice hated lying.
"Well I'm here to tell you, and I'm allowed to say this, he's a SHITTY boyfriend!" said Jess.

Alice took a bite of her cookie, it was stale. She put it back on the napkin & instead took another sip of her tea.
"Jess, look... I love him, you know I do. I have ever since we were kids, but he isn't my 'keeper', I have to learn to take care of myself, ya know?"
"Yes," said Jess, "I DO know, but that's NO EXCUSE! Him and that DAMN BAND OF HIS, they're not even any good!"
Alice couldn't help but smile inside, Jess was right, they weren't any good. The only reason Alice ever went to any of his shows or put up with endless nights of practicing, is because she loved him, not the music.
"Listen, I think I just need a good night's sleep & I'll be fine in the morning. I'm only rattled now cuz it just happened, so it's still fresh. I'll finish this tea, watch the rest of Leno & then curl up, I promise." said Alice.
"Well, I'm staying here with you, I don't want you being alone. What if whoever that creep was, followed you home? Over my dead body is anyone going to be getting in THIS house tonight!" Jess proudly exclaimed.
Alice just smiled, set her cup down on the coffee table & reached over to give her friend a long heartfelt hug... inside her heart thinking; 'thanks Jess, I love you too.'