A true mixed bag of fun...
... eh, well maybe not really 'fun' but a mixed bag for sure.
What exactly am I talking about, you ask?
MS.
Somedays I wake up with my hands completely all pins & needles, others it's both arms with no feeling at all.
Sometimes I stumble when I try to walk, talk, move etc.
Others I wake up feeling like I could run a marathon in
'make believe fat people can jog too' world.
(and no we don't all wear spandex there...)
It's silly cuz it's shitty & uneventful & frusterating & invisible to the average 'people watcher', but it's here, like it or hate it... it's mine.
Subcutaneous weekly shots & all.
This bad boy's all mine.
Short term memory loss,
constant feeling being overheated,
drinking water so much that I must pee a zillion times a day...
the list goes on.
On days when I actually use my handicapped placard for parking, and people watch me get out of the car without assistance and walk 'somewhat normally' into wherever it is I was headed, I feel their stare upon me. Feel them silently judging me based soley on appearances.
Probably thinking to themselves:
"Ugh, look at her! She isn't handicapped! She's probably just too lazy from being fat so she parks there. I hate those people!"
And then I carefully mount my placard atop the rearview mirror & all their silent judgemental thoughts they so quickly formed of me begin to slowly drip off their guilt ridden faces with a snails pace as they desperately try to avoid my gaze.
Shame on them.
Shame on everone who judges another in haste, just because.
Is their life so perfect that they can stand there & judge mine?
No, it's not.
Did they think for a second that maybe, just maybe, I've made monumental achievments in my 34 years so far? That perhaps maybe this 'fat girl' used to be much heavier but actually got off my ass enough to drop 80lbs?
Probably not.
Because that would require them to use those brain cells
they wasted on the cheap pot their friends sold them.
God forbid.
Nope, people are unfortunately creatures of habit & some things undoubtedly never change.
What does change, however, is my beautiful little girl.
I was watching Ruby play today, as she does every day, by running around the house, giggling, kissing (making out with) Bear, stacking blocks, doing puzzles, bringing me book after book to read, the typical daily moments of a not so typical toddler.
She smiled about a million times, she held my hand on & off just because & without being prompted from me.
She talks a blue streak when she thinks I'm not within ear shot, she loves to have 'white trash onesie time' while wearing only her ladybug rain boots & a smile.
(I love white trash onsie time, someday I'll capture it in a photo...)
She eats salad and meatloaf & loves mashed potatos and pickles...
... and she's my daughter.
All that beautiful, wonderful, amazing person is in this perfectly adorable package otherwise known as Ruby Cate.
I see her play & wonder to myself, "how long before she starts to notice when Momma stumbles on her steps or her words or her movement?
Will it matter to her that other children in the world have two parents instead of just one, like her?
Will it matter to her that her Momma has MS and other childrens Momma's are 'normal' ?
(an ugly little word I hate but we'll use it for now since it's late and I don't have the energy to make clever substitutions at the moment...)
If I teach Ruby nothing else, I hope to God I teach her self love, & acceptance & respect for herself & for others. Regardless of how they appear on the outside.
Everyone has a story to tell.
She'll have hers & I hope one day she'll learn
to sit still long enough to listen to someone else tell theirs.
I want her to know that you never judge a person till you've walked a mile in their shoes, and that to laugh is the best medicine there is.
I'm just afraid for the moment that once I make such a comment, she'll come back with:
"Momma, if laughter is the best medicine, then why isn't your MS going away?
We laugh all the time!"
If it were only that simple baby girl...
Momma would make it so.
This post is to remind everyone to think before you judge, or better yet, don't judge at all.
Life is too short for stupid shit like that... just smile alot,
stop & smell the flowers, do a random act of kindness just because, and treat others the way you want to be treated.
So, tonight, MS is my story... what's yours?
And no chance at saying you don't have one, because I just said, we ALL have a story to tell...
So, be brave because I want to hear some of yours!
So, find your courage, take a deep breath & click that comment button & share a piece of yourself...
(I'll go get the popcorn...)
What exactly am I talking about, you ask?
MS.
Somedays I wake up with my hands completely all pins & needles, others it's both arms with no feeling at all.
Sometimes I stumble when I try to walk, talk, move etc.
Others I wake up feeling like I could run a marathon in
'make believe fat people can jog too' world.
(and no we don't all wear spandex there...)
It's silly cuz it's shitty & uneventful & frusterating & invisible to the average 'people watcher', but it's here, like it or hate it... it's mine.
Subcutaneous weekly shots & all.
This bad boy's all mine.
Short term memory loss,
constant feeling being overheated,
drinking water so much that I must pee a zillion times a day...
the list goes on.
On days when I actually use my handicapped placard for parking, and people watch me get out of the car without assistance and walk 'somewhat normally' into wherever it is I was headed, I feel their stare upon me. Feel them silently judging me based soley on appearances.
Probably thinking to themselves:
"Ugh, look at her! She isn't handicapped! She's probably just too lazy from being fat so she parks there. I hate those people!"
And then I carefully mount my placard atop the rearview mirror & all their silent judgemental thoughts they so quickly formed of me begin to slowly drip off their guilt ridden faces with a snails pace as they desperately try to avoid my gaze.
Shame on them.
Shame on everone who judges another in haste, just because.
Is their life so perfect that they can stand there & judge mine?
No, it's not.
Did they think for a second that maybe, just maybe, I've made monumental achievments in my 34 years so far? That perhaps maybe this 'fat girl' used to be much heavier but actually got off my ass enough to drop 80lbs?
Probably not.
Because that would require them to use those brain cells
they wasted on the cheap pot their friends sold them.
God forbid.
Nope, people are unfortunately creatures of habit & some things undoubtedly never change.
What does change, however, is my beautiful little girl.
I was watching Ruby play today, as she does every day, by running around the house, giggling, kissing (making out with) Bear, stacking blocks, doing puzzles, bringing me book after book to read, the typical daily moments of a not so typical toddler.
She smiled about a million times, she held my hand on & off just because & without being prompted from me.
She talks a blue streak when she thinks I'm not within ear shot, she loves to have 'white trash onesie time' while wearing only her ladybug rain boots & a smile.
(I love white trash onsie time, someday I'll capture it in a photo...)
She eats salad and meatloaf & loves mashed potatos and pickles...
... and she's my daughter.
All that beautiful, wonderful, amazing person is in this perfectly adorable package otherwise known as Ruby Cate.
I see her play & wonder to myself, "how long before she starts to notice when Momma stumbles on her steps or her words or her movement?
Will it matter to her that other children in the world have two parents instead of just one, like her?
Will it matter to her that her Momma has MS and other childrens Momma's are 'normal' ?
(an ugly little word I hate but we'll use it for now since it's late and I don't have the energy to make clever substitutions at the moment...)
If I teach Ruby nothing else, I hope to God I teach her self love, & acceptance & respect for herself & for others. Regardless of how they appear on the outside.
Everyone has a story to tell.
She'll have hers & I hope one day she'll learn
to sit still long enough to listen to someone else tell theirs.
I want her to know that you never judge a person till you've walked a mile in their shoes, and that to laugh is the best medicine there is.
I'm just afraid for the moment that once I make such a comment, she'll come back with:
"Momma, if laughter is the best medicine, then why isn't your MS going away?
We laugh all the time!"
If it were only that simple baby girl...
Momma would make it so.
This post is to remind everyone to think before you judge, or better yet, don't judge at all.
Life is too short for stupid shit like that... just smile alot,
stop & smell the flowers, do a random act of kindness just because, and treat others the way you want to be treated.
So, tonight, MS is my story... what's yours?
And no chance at saying you don't have one, because I just said, we ALL have a story to tell...
So, be brave because I want to hear some of yours!
So, find your courage, take a deep breath & click that comment button & share a piece of yourself...
(I'll go get the popcorn...)
8 comments:
Well, you know my story and it's rather boring so I'll skip out on that but what I will say is that I've been one of those judgemental people. And reading your post made me realize what an ass I've been to judge without knowing the FULL story.
Just wanted to say thank you for offering some insight to a judgemental dolt like me.
See, even old dogs can learn new tricks...
~Karen
Hee hee, you said 'dolt'... dig it. But fyi, you're not a dolt, you happen to be one of my best friends. So shooosh. *hug*
I'm on the fly now so not a story to share at the moment. This is an awesome post, however, and if Ruby Cate absorbs the energy of your strength along the way she's gonna kick arse in this world!
Hmm...I'm interested to see a shot of the 'white trash' moment too ;0)
It sounds so trite, but your post really resonated with me...I'm a single mom with a young daughter from China and I've had MS for more than 10 years (fortunately very much under control, but you never know what the future will bring.)
BTW, fantastic job on losing the 80 pounds...what's your secret?!
Hey, great post, Amy. Thanks for reminding me of what's most important.
Hi - 's'me. ;)
My story? I'm an overweight, bisexual teenager who crushes hopelessly on older girls (who don't know she exists) and younger guys (who find her slightly creepy) lives too much in her head and talks with an American twang to her otherwise fairly genteel Scottish-boarders accent because she watches too much American TV - CSI, Law and Oder, House, Battlestar Galactica etc.
I'm a tad screwed up emotionally 'cause my dad died (heart attack) when I was thirteen, four and a half years ago, two months after my mum left him for another guy who she'd been having an affair with for six months. I knew, but didn't want to believe it, so didn't say anything (in true, lives-in-her-head-too-much style). I now live with my sister, my cats, my mother and the guy who she left my dad for, in a house which we moved into three months after dad died 'cause we needed to 'move on' - unfortunately, my sister and I weren't consulted a to whether we *wanted* to move on.
So yes, long, twisted, icky issues and a LOOOOOT of anger there. Fortunately, I'll be out of this house in around a year - bound first for Thailand (gap year) then University, ANYWHERE but here.
I think I'll be happier with ome distance.
It sounds as though MS can be an invisible illness at times and when it comes to harsh judgement, those are the toughest. My family is loaded with brain disorders ~ Asperger's and mood disorders. I got lucky and live with the mood disorder. Sometimes I'm even harsh on myself because I can't see it!
Also, I work with people with brain injuries and the ones without obvious impairments are often frustrated by the "invisibility factor." They say that it would be easier to be a wheelchair user or obviously blind because then they'd get some compassion instead of harsh judgement.
I think your prescription for laughter is still best. It may not be a cure, but it is still good medicine overall. I love laughing at my own illess and encourage it in my clients as much as possible (if they can manage it). And there are so many other things to laugh at. Gosh, the world is funny!
You already know my story. I got sick, I almost died, but I didn't and now I'm a better person because of it.
Our struggles make us stronger, wiser, smarter, grateful, better.
This was a great post. Very thought provoking and real. You are definitely a wise woman.
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