Ode’ To My Happy Pills...

(*menstruating chick post, men be forewarned...)


...that's right, this is a dedication to my two little pieces of HAPPY amidst the period of, well... my period. (and by period I mean exactly what you're thinking, my monthly few days of FUN! not) You see, for 30+ years, it was a non-issue. No pain, no PMS, no cramps, no headaches, no NOTHING! Now? Oh, again with being God's LAB RAT... I now experience lower back pain SO SEVERE that it's as if a big sweaty fat man took joy in slamming me with a sledge hammer at least 2 or 3 times then left me for dead as he laughed his way to the nearest Mc'D's. (FUCKER!) Once I hit 35, my body (AKA: God's newest HOST for all upcoming EXPERIMENTS!) started to betray our past. Ever been betrayed? It's not fun... but I can deal if it's someone, another person who's betrayed me, fine. Wanna be a dumb ass? Your call, but just know that I NEVER forget even though I may often forgive... you betray me, you're now on my LIST. (those that make the list, STAY on the list NEVER to be removed, period. [no pun intended... well, maybe a little pun. Hell, it's a full fucking moon and I'm in pain damn it! You are NOT to judge me! I WILL have my fun where I can get/make it, right? JUST DEAL!]) So, back to my HAPPY PILLS. (google: Midol Maximum Strength Menstrual Complete) UNTIL I TAKE TWO OF THESE PUPPIES FIRST THING BEFORE STEPPING INTO MY SHOWER, I could NOT STEP INTO MY SHOWER. It's a miracle that I can even get up out of the BED never mind make it to the kitchen to find these little white friends of mine & ingest them faster than a fat kid eats cake! Seriously, about five minutes into my shower and right about the time the conditioner is to be rinsed from my bean, they KICK IN! Oh sweet medicated heaven! Is that my back feeling normal again? Did the fat sweaty man go join the obese kid for dessert? OH HOLY CHRIST THANK YOU FOR YOUR GIFT OF OVER THE COUNTER HEAVEN (you kinda OWED IT TO ME after the lobster incident AND THEN THE black hair/white hair debacle! CONSIDER US EVEN!) Now as I sit here & type I know that DESPITE the full moon, my period will NOT WIN this time. (because I've fashioned a holster for 'said happy pills' out of an old paper towel roll & the duct tape and the shit's at the ready on my HIP! The HELL with MacGyver, a menstruating woman in her 30's can make ANYTHING, need a bomb? Say the word, I'm sure I could give that shit a whirl too!) You'd be surprised how much necessity is TRULY the mother of all invention! So now I'm off to work, BACK HAPPY and protein shake in hand, I'm off... shit, all that's missing is a CAPE! hehehe I'm sure I will have more to share later but for now, I'M OFF! (wish me luck)