HYSTERICAL & SO TRUE!!!

American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away from getting married....unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.

American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat.
Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.

American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them, and it's usually only on special occasions.
Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees. If there are no fruit trees, he'll plant some.

American kids: Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to have something done.
Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal. Know what I mean??

American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee. No more.
Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and a few after dinner drinks.

American kids: Will greet you with "Hello" or "Hi".
Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back.

American kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.

American kids: Have never seen you cry.
Italian kids: Cry with you.

American kids: Borrow your stuff for a few days and then return it.
Italian kids: Keep your stuff so long, they forget it's yours.

American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.


American kids: Know few things about you.
Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread.
Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian bread.

American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowd's ass who left you behind.

American kids: Are for a while.
Italian kids: Are for life.
American kids: Like Rod Stewart and Steve Tyrell.
Italian kids: Worship Tony Bennett and Frank Sinatra

American kids: Think that being Italian is cool.
Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool.

Before & After (1 month post op) pics...

One month before my surgery...



...nearly one month AFTER my surgery.

Literally almost 100 lbs lost, not quite but it sounds better than saying 90 something, I'd SO much RATHER say " YEP, NEARLY 100 LBS!" Just makes me feel good.

I know this isn't a big transformation when you consider how much more I have yet to go, but it's a hell of a start, yes? ;) hehehe

A Case Of The Sillies...

4th Week Post OP...

...and here's what I've learned about my new pluming:

I sip water constantly, but was doing that before the surgery as well only, BEFORE surgery, there were times I was so thirsty, I'd GULP. Not anymore. Not ever.


Things I CAN eat: (and by 'can' I mean a bite or two...)
Eggs
Tomato
Fresh Mozzarella Cheese
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Smart Food Popcorn!!!!!!! <----------makes me SO HAPPY I could CRY!
Yogurt
Sugar Free Fat Free Chocolate Pudding
Turkey Chili (homemade by me, if anyone is interested I'll post the recipe later!)
Shredded Deli chicken and/or turkey
Any/All fruit SO LONG AS THE SKIN IS REMOVED!
Carrots, peas, corn on the cob, any veggie (except broccoli) SO LONG AS THE VEGGIE IS COOKED OR STEAMED, NO RAW VEGGIES!)
Lean Cuisine Meals (only ones with turkey & chicken)
Pear Juice (drank every morning & night as a natural way to be sure I am always regular, I drink it when taking my supplements. Trust me, IT WORKS! Never ONCE needed a stool softener!) hehehe
PIZZA! Had ONE small piece, it has onions, peppers, and mushrooms on it & I ate the whole thing, CRUST & ALL and was FINE!

There are other things but so far, that's what I'm kinda happy with & living off of.

Now, more importantly, here are the things I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT TOLERATE, PERIOD:

TONIC! (Soda)
Gum
Alcohol
Butter
Sugar
Sweets (ie: cakes, cookies, candies, muffins, etc...)
Heavy Carbs (ONLY bread, whereas the pizza, was fine since I ate the other things off it FIRST before touching the crust...)

Honestly, I had a homemade blueberry muffin the other day... (Ruby made them with my Aunt) and my daughter INSISTED that "Momma you twy one! Pwease?!" Against my better judgement I ate one, the whole thing, and was in the fetal position on the couch for the better part of the afternoon & Ruby had to end up going downstairs to visit her grandparents because I literally felt like I was going to die.

THAT is MY dumping.


I don't vomit, I don't get diarrhea, I just get this AWFUL NAUSEOUS feeling & need to curl up in a ball & pray for it to go away, or to die, whichever comes first. But TRUST ME WHEN I SAY, I think I'd MUCH PREFER VOMITING OR HERSHEY SQUIRTS OVER THIS DEATH BALL that I become. It's NOT FUN so I NO LONGER CRAVE, EVER, those things that I KNOW will make me feel like that. It's JUST SO ODD! I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE CAKE!
Not anymore. Maybe a little lick of frosting come Ruby's birthday this September, but NO CAKE! Just not worth it.

So, there's that... any one have any questions? Lay em on me, I'm an open book...

*hugs*

-Amy

Although I ONLY Have ONE Child...

...my front hall suggests otherwise. LOL hehe




Ruby sharing a giggle with her Nonno...




And yet another pic of me, just taken minutes ago. Yes, I am aware it's the same top. When you lose as much weight as I have you only have two or three tops that FIT YOU still. I'm trying to make the most of them while I still can! ;)

Because I Know It's All You Want Anyways...

A Girl & Her South African Hat...

Chocolate Brown is the new BLACK!

...I seriously spent over 7 hours tonight in my colorist's chair at the salon saying 'goodbye' to BLACK hair (tired of the white hairs making the all too regular appearance with a BLACK back drop... pissed me off!) and hello to CHOCOLATE BROWN!
I know, not that much of a difference just yet, but over time, as my body morph's into something new, so will my hair color as I intend to eventually have several pretty shades of brown all mixed in so that the white hairs won't know WHAT the hell to do!

(one can only hope...)

Yeah, Not Really Something Anyone Warned Me About...

(my BEFORE photo, taken about a month before my surgery...)


(& not necessarily my 'after' photo just yet as it's only been two weeks since surgery, HOWEVER, this photo shows how much weight I have lost as I now have a face WITHOUT whatever that shit was that was attacking my NECK! And it also shows my UGLY ASS NEW STUPID GLASSES that I HATE! Long, LONG story to go with those, but let's just say that I've been too disturbed to even share it thus far... perhaps sometime soon. In the meantime, just pretend that they are still my gorgeous thin little black frames you've all come to know & love, as I did... UGH!)

Ok, onto the REAL meat & taters of this post;

...I mean it's not like they were going to sit me down & say: "Now Amy, keep in mind that when you start to really lose weight after the surgery, you may lose a substantial amount of it in your breasts first...oh, and by the by, one breast may lose far more weight than it's twin so, you could be 'lopsided' for a bit until they even out..."

I REALLY WISH SOMEONE WOULD'VE PERHAPS MENTIONED THAT SHIT TO ME, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? I've gone down at LEAST 2 cup sizes & several inches around thus far but, if I'm being COMPLETELY HONEST here, my LEFT GIRL is still larger than her RIGHT COUNTERPART! Now, NEITHER OF THEM feel like MY BOOBS, period. BUT, at least the left one is SOMEWHAT SIMILAR TO WHAT SHE USED TO LOOK LIKE NOT TOO LONG AGO. Little miss Right? WHO'S BOOB IS THIS? NOT MINE CERTAINLY! OMG!

And now, not only have I shrunk so much that even my SMALL, TIGHT, NEVER COULD WEAR THEM BEFORE jeans are FALLING STRAIGHT OFF ME so that I am really only wearing the knit, capri, drawstring pants I bought at Kohl's, BUT EVEN THOSE ARE A SCORCH BIG! ugh... and those were just 1X's.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm NOT complaining, honest I'm not...

...but all this losing weight & having someone else's right boob, and pants falling off sometimes in public is just a bit much to process, ya know? I feel like I'm walking around in someone else's body! Not to mention that, recently upon taking miss Ruby to her favorite place in the whole world (Salem Willows), we did what we always do when we go there together... we split a small lo-mein (chicken this time instead of our usual beef as I can only have chicken & turkey & fish for the first 4 months...) and instead of eating it & tossing away it's wrapper. We split maybe two or three bites a piece, had a TON left over, brought excess noodles home, put in fridge, had the next day for lunch, still a ton left over, put THOSE in fridge, enjoyed them again the 3rd day, only a few bites for me & miss Roo managed to finish whatever noodles still made it in the carton.

NEVER did I think a small lo-mein would last us THREE FRIGGEN DAYS! Do you people know how much money I'm saving on groceries? IT'S STAGGERING!

Not to mention, the pay off when I spend some time with someone who, I love dearly and haven't seen in FOREVER & his jaw hits the floor because he can't believe it's me & how in the world did I lose half of myself & OMG you look beautiful etc, etc, etc...

Not saying anymore just yet. I love him too much to risk ruining anything but let's just say that he's been in a special corner of my heart now for many, many years.
(The fact that his mother LOVES me & his father thinks I'm a hoot, IS JUST AN ADDED BONUS!)

WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

And now, for some Ruby pictures, because I know you all didn't come here just to listen to me bitch about my uneven boobs!

Yeah, Not Really Something Anyone Warned Me About...

Alive & kicking...

...sorry it's taken me this long to post an update, but I've been quite regimented in following doctors orders to a T (kinda) and trying my best to stay home, stay mellow & avoid lifting anything over 10 lbs. (and by over 10 lbs, you KNOW I mean RUBY!)
Tell me THAT isn't the hardest thing ever to do on the planet? Especially when she looks up at me & says, 'Momma wanna snuggle?' OMG KILLIN ME!
She asks DAILY (and multiple times daily) to see 'Momma's tummy', and says "Momma's tummy is sore, Ruby be very gentle!" and she always is.

I was going to take a pic of my stomach for you all to enjoy but then thought, really, who but my daughter enjoys that? LOL So decided against it.
As I type this my little girl is in the kitchen with her Nanny. T (Uncle Steve's Mom) and the two are making cookies together, A-DAMN-DORABLE!

I, on the other hand, am not only sitting here praying for the last bits of the CO2 to exit my abdomen, but wishing that I had bought several flavors of the protein shake that has come to be the bane of my existence.

Other than that, all's good. I have two more weeks to rest & feel better before I have to return to work & the real world as it may be, but I'm so ready for anything other than the walls of my apartment. LOL It's fun to stay home when you CHOOSE to, but when it's doctor's orders? ALL I WANNA DO IS GO DRIVE MY CAR LIKE A SILLY WOMAN JUST TO FEEL THE WIND IN MY FACE DAMNIT! Anyhoo

Hope everyone enjoyed a wonderful 4th & I promise to continue to update as my progress continues. Oh, btw, 10 lbs down as of the scale this morning... ON TOP of the original 70.

I should change the name of this blog to: "THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MOMMA!"

I'm home...

...I'm swollen, I'm sore, I can barely finish my protein shake as just about half way through it I feel stuffed, but it's all good. Just took a nice long hot shower & plan to follow through with that date I made with my pain meds & my couch.
Ruby was very happy to see Momma, slightly freaked out by all the 'spots' on Momma's tummy, (there were 7 of them), and is still playing downstairs with her Nannie while Momma gets a bit of rest. Thank you ALL for keeping me in your thoughts & prayers.
Clearly, you were heard...

*hugs*

-Amy (aka: the soon to be, incredible shrinking woman...)

8 Months...

...several pants sizes, 70 lbs & lots of hard work & sweat & water aerobics later,
I AM FINALLY HAVING MY SURGERY FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING!

WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I worked my ASS off to earn this & I am SO EXCITED to finally take the next step to becoming a healthier me.
(I'd say 'happier' too, but honestly, I've always been happy & it never matted to me what size I was...)

I leave my house at 5am sharp & head for the hospital with my father. (he's dropping me off...) I have a 5:45am check in time & then it's off for all the pre surgical hullabaloo bullshit that has to be done & then it's "ok Amy, count backwards from ten..." & by 8 I'm guessing, I'll be sleepin like a baby! Then, the magic begins!

Yes, I know it's permanent.
Yes, I know it's major surgery.
Yes, I know it's completely rearranging my internal plumbing.
YES, I STILL WANT THE SURGERY!

What everyone needs to know is that I am very AWARE that this surgery is NOT A QUICK FIX! On the contrary, it's just another tool to help me with the rest of my weight loss & new lifestyle to get to where I can no longer worry about health issues & concentrate more on my beautiful daughter, who, by the way, will be spending the next two days being spoiled BEYOND ROTTEN by her Nannie & Nonno. (my parents)

Ruby is so cute, today she learned a new song, one that was on my friends 'myspace' page, and without realizing what the words were, I let her hear it & thought, "isn't that cute, she likes Nick's song...". Then, she asked if I'd video her dancing & playing the drums *my legs* to it. Sure baby, let's go...

Allow me to share with you all this snippet of video & that lovely song. Don't google the lyrics... You'll find that, despite what I thought I heard, it's actually not 'dance trucker dance...' *LAUGHING* Nice huh?






Yes, I know I should perhaps discourage her from listening to that song again, but honestly when she started singing about the truckers, I thought it was just adorable & didn't have a friggen CLUE! (What can I say, not really into that type of music, DAVE MATTHEWS ALL THE WAY BABY!)

See ya'll on the flip side!

BEST CONCERT EVER!!!

Here's just a snippet of the evening I had the other night...

STILL REELING from the ABSOLUTE BEST TIME EVER!

What a way to celebrate prior to surgery this coming Monday!

Oh, and hopefully *fingers crossed* I'll have internet access from the hospital so I can update the blog & let you all in on my progress. Also, if any of you have myspace, look me up by email: mom4ruby@yahoo.com and feel free to add me, as I maintain a much smaller blog there too. Wish me luck!

-Amy

Oh Yeah, That's RIGHT BABY!!!

...GOING TO SEE THEM this coming Tuesday night!

OMG SO EXCITED!!!!
*grin*

I have the BEST FRIENDS EVER!

*hugs*

Thank you Kristen!

*smile*

Ode’ To My Happy Pills...

(*menstruating chick post, men be forewarned...)


...that's right, this is a dedication to my two little pieces of HAPPY amidst the period of, well... my period. (and by period I mean exactly what you're thinking, my monthly few days of FUN! not) You see, for 30+ years, it was a non-issue. No pain, no PMS, no cramps, no headaches, no NOTHING! Now? Oh, again with being God's LAB RAT... I now experience lower back pain SO SEVERE that it's as if a big sweaty fat man took joy in slamming me with a sledge hammer at least 2 or 3 times then left me for dead as he laughed his way to the nearest Mc'D's. (FUCKER!) Once I hit 35, my body (AKA: God's newest HOST for all upcoming EXPERIMENTS!) started to betray our past. Ever been betrayed? It's not fun... but I can deal if it's someone, another person who's betrayed me, fine. Wanna be a dumb ass? Your call, but just know that I NEVER forget even though I may often forgive... you betray me, you're now on my LIST. (those that make the list, STAY on the list NEVER to be removed, period. [no pun intended... well, maybe a little pun. Hell, it's a full fucking moon and I'm in pain damn it! You are NOT to judge me! I WILL have my fun where I can get/make it, right? JUST DEAL!]) So, back to my HAPPY PILLS. (google: Midol Maximum Strength Menstrual Complete) UNTIL I TAKE TWO OF THESE PUPPIES FIRST THING BEFORE STEPPING INTO MY SHOWER, I could NOT STEP INTO MY SHOWER. It's a miracle that I can even get up out of the BED never mind make it to the kitchen to find these little white friends of mine & ingest them faster than a fat kid eats cake! Seriously, about five minutes into my shower and right about the time the conditioner is to be rinsed from my bean, they KICK IN! Oh sweet medicated heaven! Is that my back feeling normal again? Did the fat sweaty man go join the obese kid for dessert? OH HOLY CHRIST THANK YOU FOR YOUR GIFT OF OVER THE COUNTER HEAVEN (you kinda OWED IT TO ME after the lobster incident AND THEN THE black hair/white hair debacle! CONSIDER US EVEN!) Now as I sit here & type I know that DESPITE the full moon, my period will NOT WIN this time. (because I've fashioned a holster for 'said happy pills' out of an old paper towel roll & the duct tape and the shit's at the ready on my HIP! The HELL with MacGyver, a menstruating woman in her 30's can make ANYTHING, need a bomb? Say the word, I'm sure I could give that shit a whirl too!) You'd be surprised how much necessity is TRULY the mother of all invention! So now I'm off to work, BACK HAPPY and protein shake in hand, I'm off... shit, all that's missing is a CAPE! hehehe I'm sure I will have more to share later but for now, I'M OFF! (wish me luck)

I Think I'm Going Crazy...

...or at least, to anyone listening (and thankfully, there's NO ONE!) I'm not only going crazy, but BAT SHIT crazy is more to the point!
See, all my life I've had a habit of sounding more like a TRUCKER when faced with the inevitable side effects of 'aging'.

How's that you say? Allow me to explain...

As a young girl, when I first discovered there was HAIR growing in places I didn't want it, I said, in a hushed voice, but nonetheless out LOUD (enough so I heard myself anyway...) DAMN IT! (yes, I was probably 8 or 10 or so...)

Then when I first got my period, same deal... walking home from school, friend behind me states, as loud as can be, "Hey Amy, you sat in something cuz you got red all over your skirt!" What do I reply? "AWWW SHIT!"

Fast forward to high school (let's not stay there long, even just the mention of it makes parts of me shiver in a BAD way!) I had spent my life listening to people say how 'lucky I was to have such a pretty 'beauty mark' (aka:MOLE) on my cheek, blah blah blah. (old Italian relatives' opinions DON'T COUNT, they're family thus required to say shit like that...) I was in class one day, who knows what class, who cared, they all sucked the same (except for creative writing, public speaking & art... shocker huh?) and I hear one of the 'kewl' kids behind me refer to me as "MW."
Hmmm, funny, my initials are A.S., wonder what she's talkin about?

Next day, same deal... "Hey, MW, what's UP?"
*puzzled look* as 'kewl kids' just walk away laughing.

Still not impressed. Fact is, I outweigh most of them & piss me off one more time girlies & shit's goin' DOWN! (and by shit, I mean YOU and by DOWN I mean, MY ASS IS GONNA SIT ON YA!)

Finally Friday comes, last period, 'study hall' (and by study hall, we all know I mean NAP time...) and again, stupid douche comes up to me with that fake ass "I'm mean cuz I don't have any real attributes to distinguish me from the pack as a normal human being or even remotely like able, so I'll just be a bitch cuz these people I call my 'friends' seem to like it that I'm the meanest one & they get to follow me, they're clearly as stupid if not more so, than me...) & says to me, "Hey MW, what's on for the weekend? Any KILLER plans?" *more laughter*

I finally asked her, "I'm sorry Bouche, (yes, I said Bouche, she wasn't clever enough to even know that I was using the 'CODE' on her ass...) but what exactly is MW, cuz you know those aren't my initials, right? *more laughter from the Bouche...*
Oh, we know, we just thought we'd give you a really killer nickname!
*amused at this point & even though I know I shouldn't, I did* "Oh really? And that would be?"

"MOLE WOMAN!" *fits of laughter out of Bouche & her minions...*

"Ah, I see... well Bouche, that's all fun & dandy, but truth be told, I'd have pegged you for coming up with something a tad bit more clever than that... but hey, if your Bouchey Dag little brain came up with MW, then you rock on with your bad self sistah..."

*minute or two elapse & Bouche turns to me with a puzzled look on her face...*
"Hey, MW, what the hell is Bouche? You think you're funny?" *her minions look beyond confused at this point as if they were asked to write a paper on: "What is the biological basis of consciousness?" Yeah right, like that would ever happen, NOT!*

I just smiled & said, "No Bouche, I KNOW I'm funny..." and walked off.

Later that night, alone in my room looking into my mirror & spying the elusive M from the MW... I cringe my face into some semblance of a knot, (wouldn't recommend it as it gave me a headache...) and I said "SON OF A BITCH!" again, under my breath, but with enough passion that were I to give it MORE breath than I did, neighbors would've heard my mouth & would immediately have called my Mother...

Welcome to modern day Amy... bordering on 36 and long since gone are the days of MW (not because I don't obsess about it anymore, but more because years back, when the M started sprouting little fun filled HAIRS, I, IN MY BRILLIANCE, decided it would be ok to shave them off. *EHHHH* Thanks for playing, shaved that shit RIGHT OFF in the shower. Bled for days, never grew back... ) moving right along. Now, my issue is that I'm finding white hairs where I'd like them to be black, & black hairs where, honestly, THERE SHOULD BE NONE! (between that & the fact that I'm now allergic to Lobster, I KNOW that God has a sense of humor, cuz I'm his friggen LAB RAT!)

I sit in front of my mirror & notice, by the glow of my little desk light, that one or more hairs may possibly be SNOW WHITE, yet again.
Without skipping a beat, I reach for my tweezers with a somewhat evil & DETERMINED look on my face ( the type that, as a kid, your mother always told you that if you were smacked in the back while making said face, you'd be that way forever...) FUCK IT, bring it on bitches, I GOT'S WHITE HAIRS TO RID MY NOGGIN OF! *YANK* "Fucker! How'd ya like that?!" *YANK* *OUCH* "Fucking fucker... GET!*YANK* THE!*YANK* FUCK!*YANK**OUCH!*OUT!*YANK!*"

This goes on for probably five minutes before I realize, that not only am I doing it again but I think I just gave myself a fucking bald spot!

Truly, it's deceiving... By day, I'm this sweet loving adoptive mother & career nanny who you'd never suspect has the mouth of a crazy crack smokin' truck driver! What the hell is UP with that SHIT? And NEVER out loud, on no, perish the thought. That would just be SO un-lady like... No, completely proper to spew trash out one's cake hole should you whisper it under your breath, but DARE to give it some volume? TRASHY TRASH TALKER! HOW DARE YOU?!

Now, don't ask how it makes me feel better, it just does. It's as if those God damned white hairs KNOW what I'm saying & the harder I grit my teeth & yank with more FURY, they KNOW THE BITCH MEANS BUSINESS! Even if I'm merely whispering it for only THEM to hear...

So, I reiterate... yes, I think I'm going crazy.
Any of you ladies wanna join me?
*wink*

Sometimes Genius Takes The Short Bus...

...like this morning when, while in the shower, I notice a HUGE black spider up in the furthest corner, slightly above my head. "OH I DON'T THINK SO", said out loud just in case Mr.spider understands English! I traipse nekkid into the kitchen (yes my blinds are open that early, trust me, AIN'T NOBODY lookin' this way to see the fat chick hobble out to her Viva's on the counter & honestly, if they are, ENJOY THE SHOW... Bill's in the mail!) So, Viva in hand, I hop back into the shower (nearly falling twice mind you) and get back in there only to realize that my 5'2.5" frame IS NOT going to reach me to new heights to rid my morning shower routine of it's unwanted guest.
FUCK!
What to do what to do? Hmmmmmmmm
A temporary lapse of reason summons the brilliance to lug one of my kitchen chairs in there, however brief it was, I then had visions of my fat, wet, broken body flopping & flapping on the shower floor patiently waiting in PAIN for my daughter to wake up & come find me there. Then I thought, "poor kid's been through enough in her little life, let's not add insult to injury!" KITCHEN CHAIR NIXED.

NEXT!

Standing there, hand on the nozzle of my water massage (NO COMMENTS FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY) and I think "Hmmm, perhaps?... Maybe..." *SWOOOOOOOOOOSH* a HUGE spray of water hits mister spider & knocks him silly... in slow motion, he takes a left at Albuquerque & heads down the drain with the rest of the stream.
Paper towel indeed, what the HELL is wrong with me? And TO THINK I NEARLY KILLED MYSELF WITH A KITCHEN CHAIR! ugh.

You'll pardon me as I use this paper towel to dry my hair in preparation for the HELMET I'll be wearing as I wait for the short bus to arrive...

So Little Time...

...SO MUCH SHIT to VENT ABOUT!

Ok, so here's the skinny of the happenings of me as of late.

1. SO IN LOVE WITH JEN LANCASTER I THINK THAT IF SHE & I WERE BOTH LESBIANS,
I'D SHOW UP ON HER DOORSTEP, TIFFANY PRINCESS CUT SOLITAIRE IN HAND BEGGING HER TO SPEND ETERNITY WITH ME.
No LIE! (the woman is just THAT FUNNY!) But I digress, since neither her nor myself are lesbians, that's a pipedream waiting to be my next nightmare. LOL

2. Miss Ruby & I missed Church today. Not because we meant to, but honestly because we were so wrapped up this morning in the hullabaloo of making Nonno's 'father's day' treat, (roasted red pepper soup with mascarpone cheese & garlic & herb crutons) that by the time the soup was simmering away on the stove, I happened to glance up & notice that it was nearly 1pm and was like "HOLY SHIT, IS THAT REALLY WHAT TIME IT IS?!"
Needless to say, we immediately stopped what we were doing, sat down together at the table, each did the sign of the cross & said a few prayers to God, (after all, it is Father's day, is it not? The Man IS the FATHER, if I'm not mistaken) and we asked to be forgiven for forgetting to attend services earlier but that our love for Nonno & my Kitchen OCD caused us to completely lose track of all things 'normal' & slip into the unconcious world of OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE COOKING with a side of NEUROSIS for good measure. So hey, we missed mass & feel that we've been forgiven (at least HOPE we have been) but the SOUP CAME OUT SO DAMN GOOD THAT HONESTLY, even if we WEREN'T forgiven, we'd take this soup to hell with us ANYDAY! GOOD LORD IS THAT SOME TASTY EATS!

...moving right along...

3. Newest BMB book arrived today (well, yesterday actually) in the mail & Brian Stuy is going to LOSE HIS MARBLES when he holds this puppy in his hands... in two words?
IT ROCKS!

I sat & read & re-read it over and over which is honestly retarded since I'm the one who put it all together thus, I've already READ IT prior to receiveing it's physical copy in the mail, I KNOW all the reports & I've practically memorized all the stories, but it's just so damn INTERESTING that I found myself hogging it when Kristen was just trying to figure out the best way to mail it to him so he'd have it asap. (duh, OVERNIGHT DUMBASS!) I love her but honestly I do believe she should've been born a blonde polish chick. (yes, I know I'm gonna get yelled at for this, but JEN YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU!)

5. Really, WHO needs a 4 anyway?

6. My tan is SPECTACULAR and I have my italian herritage to thank for these genes. ITALIAN DNA = PERFECTLY TANNED SKIN IN UNDER 3 JAUNTS TO THE POOL!
(good times!)

7. Most recent book (which is going to end up being a 2 book order, since her blog is so fantastically wonderfully large & detailed) was finally sent off to our publishers & hopefully will have it back in time to get off to her before her & the family go leavin' on a jet plane... etc. *fingers crossed*

8. I am hereby declaring that all razors in this house be confiscated by MY FRIENDS (ah hem, blonde polish one, I do believe this means YOU!) so that loud mouthed ITALIAN WOMAN who is about as gentle as a BULL IN A CHINA SHOP, NOT FURTHER SUBJECT HERSELF TO UNDUE PAIN & TORTURE all in the name of the damn BRAZILLIANS!
(It's SO JUST NOT WORTH IT! I mean really, what's the appeal of a Brailian when we have the beautiful slightly fuzzy PEACH to admire? I say, EAT MORE FRUIT PEOPLE!) Oops, SO not how I intended that to come out, but again, there it is...

9. My obnoxious neighbors (who I may or may NOT have called the cops on in the past) went sauntering past our house again today, with their OBLIVIOUS DOG who has ZERO RULES in his house as is clearly evident by the way he just skips up our side path, drops a deuce on our lawn, & continues down the lane as if NOTHING WRONG HAS HAPPENED?!
His owner? JUST AS FUCKING CLUELESS! I swear to everything that is holy, I'm SO going to start a SHIT COLLECTION of his dumbass dog's OFFERINGS and ever so gently/WHIPPINGLY chuck it, paper bag (not sure if it's to be flaming yet or not) RIGHT UP ON HIS STUPID FRONT PORCH with a polite little POST IT attached, that reads: "Dear sir, apparently it has not come to your attention the city rule that clearly states that all dogs MUST BE ON A LEASH when out for a walk with their owners. (there should be an addendum to this that states that all owners MUST HAVE A BRAIN before purchasing/adopting said animal as if neither is smart enough to clean up their messes, neither should be allowed to roam the streets!) As I don't subscribe to the 'ignorant pet owners book of rules & regulations' I am unsure of what to do with what is clearly your pets 'gifts' accumulating on my lawn. Since I cannot determine the best placement for such a gift, I feel it is only fitting to return it to you as I've found it, however neatly packaged in this lovely RECYCLABLE BAG for your proper disposal. I do hope that in the future you will take such action to see that this does not happen again as I honestly don't want to waste my perfectly good recycleable bags on your dog's SHIT. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Pissed off around the corner!


10. Now that the burning has stopped when I pee, I am quite happy with my bang up job at the brazilian, although hindsight tells me that perhaps, next time I should employ an ACTUAL BRAZILIAN (man/woman, doesn't matter...) to PROPERLY take care of business, as I really came about a milimeter shy of permanetly damaging the family jewls. (and by jewel, I mean JEWEL... NOOOOOOO!)

11. One week before my final apt with my surgeon... (note to self, bring cookies to him as a bribe!) What? You think just cuz he's my 'fat' surgeon that he's fat too? Not on your life, the man is young & handsome & could eat anything he wants & not even dream of gaining an ounce. Honestly, I think he's got some short of magical power where whenever HE eats what he wants, the women who come to him for help find EVERY LAST STINKIN OUNCE THAT HE'S DODGED, thus why we continually come back to him for help. What a way to stay in business, right? So, cookies never hurt as a bribe, fat chick or otherwise... everyone's gotta eat right? And since I'm pretty good at paying attention *when it COUNTS* I remember him saying once that he LOVES HOME MADE COOKIES, ANY TYPE, SO LONG AS THEY'RE HOME MADE JUST FOR HIM!
One word: DONE!

The boy is about to poke & prod around my insides & re-route my plumming, HE CAN HAVE SWEETS FIRST TO BRING ABOUT SOME 'HAPPY' SO HE'LL REMEMBER THE CUTE FAT CHICK WHO FED HIS ASS! (yes, he'll remember, my cookies are unforgetable!)

12. My daughter is sound asleep & so I'm off to go watch the CELTICS KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS!

13. JUST BECAUSE IT'S MY FAVORITE NUMBER!

LATER TATERS!
*grin*

So Little Time...

...SO MUCH SHIT to VENT ABOUT!

Ok, so here's the skinny of the happenings of me as of late.

1. SO IN LOVE WITH JEN LANCASTER I THINK THAT IF SHE & I WERE BOTH LESBIANS,
I'D SHOW UP ON HER DOORSTEP, TIFFANY PRINCESS CUT SOLITAIRE IN HAND BEGGING HER TO SPEND ETERNITY WITH ME.
No LIE! (the woman is just THAT FUNNY!) But I digress, since neither her nor myself are lesbians, that's a pipe dream waiting to be my next dirty