Potty Barbie Now Comes With CHOCOLATE! **UPDATED @ BOTTOM**

Woke up to miss Ruby smiling at me & saying,
"Morning Momma, have a good night sleep?"
So cute.
Her pull up was full, fine.
Took it off,
she sat on the potty,
FILLED IT,
LOTS of PRAISE,
on with morning routine.

Get Ruby dressed in big girl clothes,
meaning UNDERWEAR not pull ups,
pants & a tank top & a shirt.
(got rid of onsie's too, only at night now for those)
So, she's dressed,
I'm getting ready for work
&
Nonno is going to come up & have breakfast with her as she's informed me she'd rather stay home with him & paint & do play doh.

Fine.
I explain to Nonno that we do NOT do pull ups anymore.
ONLY BIG GIRL UNDERPANTS!
I left him plenty of outfits,
COMPLETE OUTFITS MIND YOU,
should there be an accident.

Kiss Ruby,
Kiss Nonno,
out the door to work.

Three hours into my shift,
cell phone rings.

Nonno: "Amyla, she's screaming blood murder for you, what do you want me to do?"
Now mind you,
this is the same guy who,
whenever I'm about to leave
&
feel the need to just go over instructions one last time JUST to be on the safe side,
says to me:
"Amyla, I am your father, you don't think I know how to watch Ruby? "

So I say to him,
"Dad, I'm at work, I don't know what you want me to tell you from here. Why is she screaming?"

Nonno: "What the hell do I know, she's just screaming for Momma, Momma, and she doesn't want to do anything, just crying for you."

"Dad, did you try 'redirecting' her? Maybe suggest some play doh or painting or even watch some Kai Lan?"

"Amyla, what time are you going to be leaving to come home?
Can you leave a little early?"

"Dad, no I can't leave a little early.
You'll be fine,
just redirect her with something else but remember,
don't let her on the furniture.
Only her chair or her wooden desk chair in case there's an accident, ok?"

Nonno: "Alright, come home soon. Bye." *click*

Honest to GAWD!

So, as luck would have it, work was dead today,
which is ODD for a Friday, but I figure there are no coincidences in life,
so perhaps I was meant to head home early to my girl.
I don't argue, I smile & leave earlier than I had planned & call my dad from the car.

Nonno: "Amyla, I'm out in the garage, your mother's in the house with Ruby & Kristen is over too. Call inside ok? I'm busy out here doing some work..."

Ok...
*calling Kristen's cell*

Kristen: "Hey Aim, what's up? How did you know I was here?"
Me: "I know everything, how's Ruby doing?"
Kristen: "She's doing a little better. She's on the couch watching a show..."
*in the background, my mother is talking*
Me: "What's my mom saying?"
Kristen: "She said to tell you not to be mad at her but she put a diaper on Ruby because she insisted on laying on the couch & your mom didn't want to be worried about pee on her couch so she put a diaper on her & that is that."

*sudden urge to bang my head against the steering wheel*

Me: *FUMING* "I'll be home in a minute." *click*

Drove probably a buck 20 in a 20mph zone, NO LIE.
Home in under a minute. (drive normally takes about four to five minutes)

March upstairs to find my apartment empty.
Call downstairs to my mothers house.
Mom: "Hello?"
Me: "Bring her upstairs... now."
Mom: *click*

Nice huh?
Always good times chatting with you too Ma.

*little footsteps up the back hall stairs*
Ruby, wearing a diaper meant for the boy that I watch Sunday mornings.
LITERALLY HIS DIAPER, HE'S BARELY 2, IT'S WAY TOO SMALL & STILL NOT THE POINT.
Diaper could've been the size of my fat ass, STILL SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN PUT ON HER, PERIOD.

In one fell swoop I manage to hug & kiss my daughter while at the same time RIPPING off said diaper & throwing it in the trash.

"Ruby, you wear big girl underwear now, remember?"
Ruby: "Mmm hmmm."
(she's taken to humming yes & no these days, words are too much work apparently.)
Me: "Ruby, let's go sit on the potty & see if you can go for Momma & get another sticker, ok?"
Ruby: "Uh huh..."
Me: "Yes, Ruby. Let's just try. If you go, that's great, if you don't, you still get a sticker for trying, ok?"
Ruby: "Ok Momma."

Sat on the potty, attempted to argue her way out of seeing this through at least THREE times, but ultimately went poop.
Ruby: "Momma, wook, its an adult size poop!"
Me: "Yes Ruby, it is, good girl!"
Ruby: "It's a painful one..."
Me: "Awww baby, do you need a hug?"
Ruby: "Yes."

*much hugging*

Me: "Ruby, I'm so proud of you, you did a great job!"
Ruby: "We go a toy store now Momma? Ruby wanna new Barbie... pwease?"
Me: "You know what Ruby, that sounds like a great idea!"
Ruby: "That's a good choice!"

So,
we pack several outfits
&
undies
&
plastic baggies into our diaper bag
&
grab my wallet
&
off we go.

GOOD LORD I THINK I JUST PACKED HALF HER BUREAU IN THIS DAMN BAG!
I begin to wonder to myself if I've kept the woman's contact information who actually made
&
sold me the bag in the first place as,
this one is slowly falling apart with each monstrous trip we take.
What if I want to replace it?
I digress...

So, off to TRU we go in search of the perfect Barbie.
AND, all the while, our girl is in BIG GIRL UNDIES!
(with obviously a very THICK towel under her tooshie just in case...
can't be replacing $200 car seats every other day now can we?)

So we go, we shop, we meet our newest addition to the Barbie collection ala' Ruby, we leave.
ALL WITH A DRY BUM!

On the way out, those evil TRU people put all the G'Damn CHOCOLATE at the F'N checkout!
(man did they see ME coming a mile away!)
So, you know after the stress of the morning, Momma needed herself some CHOCOLATE!
A king size kit kat, one enormous REECE'S FILLED CHOCOLATE BUNNY, and a bag full of Dove eggs later, we're headed home.
Happy toddler & new barbie in tow.

Make it home, COMPLETELY DRY STILL!
*smiling up to the heavens*
whisper: "thank you God!"

Inside we go,
I spend at least a half hour taking off all the freakin elastics
&
plastic torture devices off of miss Barbie so she can play freely like the rest of Ruby's friends.
Ruby smiles, looks at her doll, looks at me & says:
"I wuv you Momma, fank you for my new Bahbie."
*smiling*
"You're welcome baby girl, Momma loves you so much and is so proud of you. You're a big girl now, you used the potty today like a big girl!"
Ruby: "Uhhh hmmm, Ruby a big girl."
Me: "Yes you are sweetie. Now, if you have to go potty again, you can pull your own pants & underpants down & use your special potty right here, ok? Promise?"
Ruby: "Uhhh hmmm."
Me: "Ok baby, have fun with your Barbie."

So, Ruby proceeds to play with her newest addition to the ever growing plastic woman collection complete with hoochie mama clothing that I wouldn't let her so much as think about ever wearing never mind leave the house with. Only permissible on plastic dolls no taller than 6 inches. NEVER my Ruby... again, digressing. (or wishful thinking)

I head into the kitchen to get her lunch started & I hear her talking away to Bear,
who apparently has been recruited into also playing Barbies...
and then I hear it.

Ruby: "Momma! Momma Ruby come change you!"
Me: "Ruby, what's wrong baby?"
Ruby: "MOMMA! RUBY COME CHANGE YOU!"
*oh great, here we go...*

Me: "Ruby, what's wrong?"
Ruby: (sitting on the floor in a big fat wet puddle of pee) Momma, I haffa change you, you wet."
Me: "Ruby, why didn't you sit on your potty?"
Ruby: "Momma, I sawwy. I was pwaying wif my new Bahbie."
Me: "*sigh* ok Ruby, let's change you & get you dry but you need to go ON the potty from now on, ok? No more pee pee on the floor."
Ruby: "Uhhh hmmm."

Clean outfit #1.

Back to lunch making for me
&
more playing Barbie for miss Rubes.
(much to Bear's obvious dismay)

Not EVEN five minutes go by...

Ruby: "MOMMAAAAAAA! YOU WET!"
Me: *large exhale*
Ruby: "MOOOOOOMMMMMMAAAAAAA!"
Me: "Yes Ruby? Did you have another accident?"
Ruby: "Yes."
Me: "Why didn't you use the potty Ruby?"
Ruby: "I sawwy Momma. Momma haffa change you."
Me: "You know what Ruby, I will change you but I want you to know something ok?"
Ruby: "Ok?"
Me: "From now on, if you have an accident, Momma is not going to clean it up ok?
If Ruby makes the mess, RUBY is going to clean it up. Fair?"
Ruby: "Fair."

Round TWO.
Clean clothes,
more Barbie,
annoyed Bear,
cold lunch patiently waiting to be completed.

Barely into cutting up her pickle...

"MOMMMMMAAAAAAAA!"
*seriously annoyed at this point, searching for that F'N REECE'S BUNNY I BOUGHT, KNEW THERE WAS A REASON FOR BUYING A SURPLUS OF CHOCOLATE! GRRRRRRRR!*

Me: "Ruby, get up."
Ruby: "Whaa Momma?"
Me: "GET UP."
Ruby: "Momma gonna haffa change you."
Me: "Nope. Ruby is going to do it all by herself. Not Momma."
Ruby: "NO RUBY DO IT!"
Me: "Oh YES Ruby do it. Right now."
Ruby: "NOOOOO!"
Me: "Ruby, you have two choices ok?
You either clean up your mess OR you can sit in yuckky wet pants."
Ruby: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOMMA HAFFA CHANGE YOU!"
Me: "Clean up your mess or sit in it, your choice."
Ruby: "NO CHOICE!"
Me: "Yes, choice."
Ruby: "NO RUBY HAFFA CHOICE!"
Me: "Actually Ruby, you do have a choice. I'll leave you to think about what you'd like to do. Momma's going to go finish making your lunch now, ok?"
Ruby: *SCREAMING*
Me: "I love you Ruby, I'll call you when lunch is ready."
(searching the fridge for chocolate... where's that damn bunny!@$#$%)

2 - 3 minutes lapse...
Ruby: "Momma?"
Me: "Yes Ruby?"
Ruby: "Ruby wanna haffa cwean up."
Me: "That's a great choice Ruby.
Would you like me to get you some paper towels & some spray to help you?"
Ruby: "Yes pwease Momma."
Me: "Good Ruby, I would love to get those things for you."
Ruby: "Thats a wuvwy way a asking"
Me: "Yes baby girl, that IS a lovely way of asking. Thank you for being so polite."
Ruby: "You welcome Momma."

Hand her the paper towels, she cleans up her OWN mess!
(thank you to Michelle for the advice on making HER clean it up!
Girl, you're a freakin GENIUS!)

Two dozen paper towels & some windex later, mess is cleaned & Ruby is now dry once more.

Lunch still isn't finished & Bear has successfully wandered off of his own accord as to avoid more Barbie playing or else he'll throw himself bodily from our living room window I'm sure of it!

Ruby proceeds to play Barbies WITHOUT Bear, I attempt one last time to finish making lunch.

Maybe a minute goes by...

Ruby: "MOOOOMMAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

*scanning the kitchen for the largest knife in the butcher block
&
wondering how long it takes sever a jugular.*
Me: "Yes Ruby?"
Ruby: "You wet."
*sweet mother of all that's good & holy*
Me: "RUBY, AGAIN@!$#?$%#%^"

Ok, here's where I pull out the BIG GUNS!
At TRU I purchased some solid Dove milk chocolate easter eggs.
THEY ARE NOW GOING TO BE THE BAIT BY WHICH I BRIBE MY KID INTO PISSING ANYWHERE BUT ON MY F'N CARPET!
Me: "Ruby, see these? They're chocolate eggs. Don't they look yummy?"
Ruby: "Ruby wanna haffone"
Me: "Ruby, you CAN have one,
you just need to go potty
&
then Momma will give you one, ok?"
Ruby: "Ok Momma."

Sits on potty,
surprises the shit out of me by actually STILL having some pee in her to EXPELL,
and goes potty.
Then says,
"Ruby wanna haffa have a chocowate egg now? Ruby wanna haffa hava gween one pwease!"

*are you kidding me?*

CAN ANYONE ELSE SEE A CONTROL ISSUE HERE?
This kid has figured out the one area of her life that SHE CAN CONTROL and that little stinker's gonna do it, HER WAY!

I honestly don't give a rats ass HOW MANY CHOCOLATE EGGS I END UP FEEDING THIS KID,
IF IT'S ALL IN THE NAME OF DRY PISS FREE CARPETS EVERYWHERE,
THEN ALL HAIL DOVE FOR THEIR EGG'LICIOUS CHOCOLATY GENIUS!

Since the 'egg' introduction, only ONE accident & it happened while we were finally sitting down to lunch (which by this time was clearly morphing into 'dinner') and I'm pretty sure at that point, she was SO HUNGRY she'd have shit herself before abandoning that plate of chicken nuggets- (ketchup for dipping), sharp cheese, cut up pickles & a big ole milk sippy.
I didn't yell at that accident.
Honestly, food & me go way back & a good meal, when you're starving, is something I UNDERSTAND, and there have been nights I nearly had accidents myself because I couldn't tear myself away from that piece of chocolate layer cake & huge honkin' glass of MOO.

After that, RUBY STILL cleaned up the mess,
saying as she did so,
"Rubys mess, Ruby cwean a up."

Then it was time for snuggle time, stories, jammies (PULL UP) and BED!

Seriously, I'm telling you...
if not for that luscious chocolate peanutty friend of mine
(who is now missing a head & half his torso)
tucked neatly into the back of my 'cheese drawer',
I'd be sitting here in a pile of my own drool, twitching.

It's nearly 2:30am & I'm JUST NOW calm enough to curl up in bed next to my beautiful sleeping child who WILL, IF IT KILLS ME, learn how to pee pee on the potty.
It just might behoove some of you to purchase stock in Dove chocolate,
cuz lord knows Rome wasn't built in a day.

Over & out.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

**UPDATE**
Ruby just woke up with a DRY PULL UP and I immediately suggested both of us going potty but that Momma would not get anything but RUBY WOULD GET A... (and she yells out to finish my thought) "A CHOCOLATE EGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She jumped off the bed, ran to the tv room (where we keep her potty for now cuz it seems to work best there) and was shedding pj's while en route.
Sat on the potty, Momma went to go do her business & I return to see a smiling Ruby looking up at me saying proudly, "YOU DID IT! RUBY GET A CHOCOWATE EGG NOW MOMMA!"
I peek into her potty & sure enough, filled to the brim with pee pee.
*big smile*
Me: "You bet your potty you do baby!"
I happily handed Ruby her container of eggs so she could pick the one she wants.
(they're all wrapped in foil, she always picks the GREEN ones, not sure what I'll do when all of those are gone actually...)
She peeled it, cleaned up the mess she made, and ate her egg saying in between bites:
"Momma, Ruby is a big girl... an Ruby wuves chocowate!"
See? This kid IS SO MY DAUGHTER!
hehehehehe
CHOCOLATE BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER DAMNIT!
It's a GOOD START to a GOOD DAY!
Oh, AND you'll note the time? Oh that's right, it's nearly 9am,
my girl let me SLEEP A LITTLE LONGER THIS MORNING!
Now if I could only score a chocolate egg, all would be right with my world.
;)

WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO