Chapter Three...
In the back round, sounds from the newscast echo through her living room.
"Turn that off," Jess says in a whisper, "I can't process any more of that right now..."
Alice walks towards the couch, picks up the remote & clicks the TV off.
"Does your family know?" asked Alice.
"I don't know, I don't talk to my uncle much & my cousins live out of state, all three of them going to different Schools."
"And what about your aunt, what was her name... Jude was it?"
"June actually, and no, I haven't talked to her since she ran out on my uncle all those years back. Left him to be a single dad to three kids, not much of an aunt, never mind a mother. If you ask me, the woman was a tramp. Setting these really fantastic examples left & right, NOT!
Man, if my parents were still alive to see all this, they'd be so disappointed. As it is they're probably turning over in their graves!" Jess seemed exhausted at just the thought of her very dysfunctional family. How it is that she turned out ok, is truly a miracle.
"Jess, do you think there's a Heaven?"
Jess turned slightly towards Alice, half smiled through tears & said, "I like to think there is."
Alice smiled at her friend, "Do you think that they're all together now? Your parents & Jeff?"
"I believe they are." Jess said, with a heavy heart.
Jess took a deep breath & said, "It's funny how life can change on a dime. One minute you're discussing what you're going to wear to the party Saturday night & who at your work is dating who & are you going to get that promotion or get passed over again for someone else, etc...
and the next?
Boom.
Nothing.
Sad isn't it?"
Alice thought it was sad, but what was even worse was that the saddest part of all
was that she couldn't tell her best friend the truth.
She had always prided herself on being honest.
Never cheated in school, never stolen anything, always walked the straight & narrow.
Never got into trouble of any sort ever.
Never even cheated once on Jeff, never could. She loved him too much. Oh it wasn't for a lack of opportunities mind you, there was that time at Kevin Baker's party that Mark White hit on her. Oh, it felt nice to be noticed by someone other than Jeff. Exciting even... but deep down she knew she'd never do a thing to hurt Jeff. He was her soul mate, her childhood sweetheart.
But, she'd be lying if she said that a small part of her, deep down in the core of her gut, didn't at least allow herself the pleasure of imagining what it would be like.
Oh, Mark wasn't too upset, he ended up being the type of boy who you'd classify a 'player'. He loved the ladies & the ladies loved him.
It was nice to imagine though, if only for that small slice of time that one night way back when.
Truth is, Jeff was her one & only. She never dated anyone before him or after him.
Well, really there wasn't an 'after him'... until now.
"Maybe that was it, I loved him TOO much. It wasn't a healthy kind of love." Alice was thinking out loud to herself again, she hated when she did that & didn't even know she was doing it.
"What?" asked Jess, "You say something Al?"
Alice was quick to answer, "oh, nothing... sorry just talking to myself again, you know I always do that."
Scared she'd given herself away, Alice prayed for a distraction; "Hey Jess, how about I make you the tea this time, k? But no more Nilla wafers, they were totally gross."
Jess smiled, "Yeah they were stale weren't they? Ok, sure tea will be fine. Black please."
Alice never understood how Jess could drink black tea.
Black tea with sugar she understood, tea with sugar & cream, she adored, but just plain old black tea with nothing? Alice could never get on board for that one, even with a box full of GOOD Nilla wafers to be enjoyed, tea still needed sugar in her opinion.
She made her way into the kitchen to put the kettle on & Jess mentioned wanting to go freshen up a bit and headed into Alice's bathroom.
Alice rummaged through the kitchen to see what she could offer her friend to go along with her tea... "nothing here, hmmm graham crackers? I wonder how old these are, oh never mind, probably just as sketchy as those cookies. I really need to go shopping" she thought to herself.
"Hey Al, what's this?" Jess called from the bathroom.
Alice turned the corner to see Jess standing there with the wet blood stained shirt in her hands.
Jess, slightly startled as she'd completely forgotten that she'd left it to soak... "Oh, that's my stupid shirt from last night, I bled a little on it from the nose thing, I was hoping soaking it in cold water would do the trick, guess I was wrong."
Alice's heart was racing, but it's feasible right? I mean her nose DID get broken, that blood most definitely was hers, wasn't it?
"Well, I just needed to wash my face & hands a bit, I can put it back after, in some fresh cold water if it's ok, but for now can I just hang it over the shower curtain?"
"Sure," Alice said, "no problem."
The whistle on the tea came to a scream letting everyone know of it's status.
"Water's ready!" yelled Alice in the direction of the bathroom.
"What's this?" Jess emerged from Alice's bathroom holding a white rose petal in her fingers.
"Oh, that?" Alice couldn't think of a way to talk herself out of the roses so she did the best she could on such short demand, she conjured up some tears, realistic ones, and said; "that is what's left of the rose I got for Jeff. I was saving it to give to him today, but this morning when I heard the news on the TV, I collapsed, ripped the rose apart, flushed all the petals. Guess I didn't get them all..." she said.
"When did you get it?" Jess asked in such a genuine way, that Alice's insides were SCREAMING AT HER not to LIE to her friend AGAIN! Sadly, her plea fell on deaf insides.
"Oh, you know they sell them by the singles at the convenient store. It was the one thing I managed to make back to the apartment with after the nose incident..." Alice said.
Jess, content with her answer, half smiled & said; "Jeff would've loved it."
Alice poured the water into the cups & sat down with her friend & slowly prepared her drink while watching her friend sip the scalding hot tea one painfully unsweetened swallow at a time.
"I can't go into work today, I can't even function never mind work." Jess said.
"Yeah," Alice replied, "me too..."
"You know, that house up in Maine, the one my parents left us, I guess it's mine now and since I can't even think about dealing with all this stuff, the wake, the funeral, the burial etc, would you..." Jess trailed off feeling guilty that she was even attempting to suggest such a thing the morning of finding out her brother was murdered.
"What is it Jess? Would I what?" Alice asked her.
"Well, I mean I 'have' to stay to deal with all this, tie up all the loose ends... but once it's all over & done with, do you think you could take some vacation days from work & just go up there with me? It's the one place I always felt closest to my parents & now, it's only fitting that it should be the place I want to run to after all this."
Alice thought, sure... she's got some vacation time coming to her, after all, she never goes anywhere so who uses vacation time they don't need for a trip they never take?
"Sure Jess," Alice smiled, "I'd love to."
Jess, still very shaken & probably mostly in shock, smiled back & reached her hand across the table to hold Alice's.
"You're a good friend Alice, you're my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without you."
Alice smiled, and deep down she knew she wouldn't know what to do without Jess either.
They were best friends, this much is true...
but tonight, Alice felt more like a stranger.
"You know, you'd think I'd be crying more, right? I mean, he was my brother for crying out loud. What the heck is wrong with me Al? Why aren't I inconsolable right now? Most sisters would be... maybe I have something wrong with me."
"No, Jess, you don't have anything wrong with you..." Alice said.
"Don't you remember studying about this in High School? The five stages of grief?"
"Oh, yeah, what were they again?" Jess couldn't remember.
"denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance." Alice proudly responded. Weird, how in the hell did she still remember that all these years later?
Jess was calculating something in her mind, "Ok, so if this is denial, how long is it gonna last? And anger?Angry at who? They don't even know who did it! How am I supposed to get angry with someone I don't know?!"
Jess seemed to be becoming a little agitated at the thought of all this, so Alice chose to try & lighten the mood.
"Hey Jess, you want me to see if I actually have something in the house that isn't stale?"
Jess smiled, "Nah, that's ok... the tea is fine. I'm really not all that hungry." she said.
"You know," Alice said, "I remember something else from that death class we took. Something about true grieving only begins where the 5 Stages of "Grief" leave off."
"Huh?" asked Jess, "so there's more to this grieving than just five stages?"
"Yeah, you're supposed to remember it by saying the word TEAR." said Alice.
"Ok, Al, you've totally lost me. What about the word TEAR?"
"Well," Alice explained, "TEAR is an acronym, it stands for:
T = To accept the reality your loss
E = Experience the pain of your loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without your loved one
R = Reinvest in the new reality that is your life without this person."
"Jesus Al, how in the hell do you REMEMBER all that stuff?" Jess asked with surprise.
"Eh, I dunno, a wealth of useless information I guess..." said Alice.
"Not useless this time," said Jess, "not useless this time..."
"So, what are you going to do? I mean, has anyone called you yet? The police, the news reporters, I mean you are his closest living relative, you'd think that someone would've called you by now, right?" asked Alice.
"I shut my cell phone off, I can't deal with that right now, I just can't." Jess said.
"See," Alice pointed out, "denial, it's the first stage..."
"Ok, ok Al, I get it, I'm grieving... I just wish I could crawl under a rock & forget this day ever happened. Is there anything in your death stuff about rocks?" Jess's eyes were filling up again and Alice knew that she needed to rest. Both of them did actually.
"Jess sweetie," Alice placed her hand gently on Jess's shoulder, "you think maybe we both need to just curl up & shut our eyes for a while? Shut out the outside world, even if just for an hour or so?"
Jess allowed a few tears to overflow from her eyes, "Yeah, I'd like that..." she said.
Alice finished her tea & Jess did the same. They both headed for the bedroom & Jess kicked off her shoes. Alice pulled out a couple of extra pillows from the closet & tossed them on the other side of the bed for Jess.
"You mind cuddling with an old friend?" Alice asked her.
Crying now, Jess merely threw her arms around Alice & sobbed into her hair, "I'd love it." she said.
They both curled up under Alice's big fluffy down comforter, (God bless L.L.Bean)
& although she had just taken off her shoes & still had her socks on,
Jess's feet were like ice.
"Hey chilly," Alice said, "Keep your frosty paws on your side, will ya?!"
Jess smiled through her tears & Alice thought she heard even a faint chuckle.
"Was that laughter I heard?" Alice asked her.
"Al," Jess spoke in barely a whisper...
"Yes?" Alice asked.
"I love you, thank you for, well... just thank you."
Alice wrapped herself up around Jess like a human pretzel.
"Friend, it's my pleasure." she said.
Both girls were emotionally drained & fell to sleep almost immediately.
As they drifted off, a news crew was setting up outside Alice's apartment,
along with a couple of police cruisers...
"Turn that off," Jess says in a whisper, "I can't process any more of that right now..."
Alice walks towards the couch, picks up the remote & clicks the TV off.
"Does your family know?" asked Alice.
"I don't know, I don't talk to my uncle much & my cousins live out of state, all three of them going to different Schools."
"And what about your aunt, what was her name... Jude was it?"
"June actually, and no, I haven't talked to her since she ran out on my uncle all those years back. Left him to be a single dad to three kids, not much of an aunt, never mind a mother. If you ask me, the woman was a tramp. Setting these really fantastic examples left & right, NOT!
Man, if my parents were still alive to see all this, they'd be so disappointed. As it is they're probably turning over in their graves!" Jess seemed exhausted at just the thought of her very dysfunctional family. How it is that she turned out ok, is truly a miracle.
"Jess, do you think there's a Heaven?"
Jess turned slightly towards Alice, half smiled through tears & said, "I like to think there is."
Alice smiled at her friend, "Do you think that they're all together now? Your parents & Jeff?"
"I believe they are." Jess said, with a heavy heart.
Jess took a deep breath & said, "It's funny how life can change on a dime. One minute you're discussing what you're going to wear to the party Saturday night & who at your work is dating who & are you going to get that promotion or get passed over again for someone else, etc...
and the next?
Boom.
Nothing.
Sad isn't it?"
Alice thought it was sad, but what was even worse was that the saddest part of all
was that she couldn't tell her best friend the truth.
She had always prided herself on being honest.
Never cheated in school, never stolen anything, always walked the straight & narrow.
Never got into trouble of any sort ever.
Never even cheated once on Jeff, never could. She loved him too much. Oh it wasn't for a lack of opportunities mind you, there was that time at Kevin Baker's party that Mark White hit on her. Oh, it felt nice to be noticed by someone other than Jeff. Exciting even... but deep down she knew she'd never do a thing to hurt Jeff. He was her soul mate, her childhood sweetheart.
But, she'd be lying if she said that a small part of her, deep down in the core of her gut, didn't at least allow herself the pleasure of imagining what it would be like.
Oh, Mark wasn't too upset, he ended up being the type of boy who you'd classify a 'player'. He loved the ladies & the ladies loved him.
It was nice to imagine though, if only for that small slice of time that one night way back when.
Truth is, Jeff was her one & only. She never dated anyone before him or after him.
Well, really there wasn't an 'after him'... until now.
"Maybe that was it, I loved him TOO much. It wasn't a healthy kind of love." Alice was thinking out loud to herself again, she hated when she did that & didn't even know she was doing it.
"What?" asked Jess, "You say something Al?"
Alice was quick to answer, "oh, nothing... sorry just talking to myself again, you know I always do that."
Scared she'd given herself away, Alice prayed for a distraction; "Hey Jess, how about I make you the tea this time, k? But no more Nilla wafers, they were totally gross."
Jess smiled, "Yeah they were stale weren't they? Ok, sure tea will be fine. Black please."
Alice never understood how Jess could drink black tea.
Black tea with sugar she understood, tea with sugar & cream, she adored, but just plain old black tea with nothing? Alice could never get on board for that one, even with a box full of GOOD Nilla wafers to be enjoyed, tea still needed sugar in her opinion.
She made her way into the kitchen to put the kettle on & Jess mentioned wanting to go freshen up a bit and headed into Alice's bathroom.
Alice rummaged through the kitchen to see what she could offer her friend to go along with her tea... "nothing here, hmmm graham crackers? I wonder how old these are, oh never mind, probably just as sketchy as those cookies. I really need to go shopping" she thought to herself.
"Hey Al, what's this?" Jess called from the bathroom.
Alice turned the corner to see Jess standing there with the wet blood stained shirt in her hands.
Jess, slightly startled as she'd completely forgotten that she'd left it to soak... "Oh, that's my stupid shirt from last night, I bled a little on it from the nose thing, I was hoping soaking it in cold water would do the trick, guess I was wrong."
Alice's heart was racing, but it's feasible right? I mean her nose DID get broken, that blood most definitely was hers, wasn't it?
"Well, I just needed to wash my face & hands a bit, I can put it back after, in some fresh cold water if it's ok, but for now can I just hang it over the shower curtain?"
"Sure," Alice said, "no problem."
The whistle on the tea came to a scream letting everyone know of it's status.
"Water's ready!" yelled Alice in the direction of the bathroom.
"What's this?" Jess emerged from Alice's bathroom holding a white rose petal in her fingers.
"Oh, that?" Alice couldn't think of a way to talk herself out of the roses so she did the best she could on such short demand, she conjured up some tears, realistic ones, and said; "that is what's left of the rose I got for Jeff. I was saving it to give to him today, but this morning when I heard the news on the TV, I collapsed, ripped the rose apart, flushed all the petals. Guess I didn't get them all..." she said.
"When did you get it?" Jess asked in such a genuine way, that Alice's insides were SCREAMING AT HER not to LIE to her friend AGAIN! Sadly, her plea fell on deaf insides.
"Oh, you know they sell them by the singles at the convenient store. It was the one thing I managed to make back to the apartment with after the nose incident..." Alice said.
Jess, content with her answer, half smiled & said; "Jeff would've loved it."
Alice poured the water into the cups & sat down with her friend & slowly prepared her drink while watching her friend sip the scalding hot tea one painfully unsweetened swallow at a time.
"I can't go into work today, I can't even function never mind work." Jess said.
"Yeah," Alice replied, "me too..."
"You know, that house up in Maine, the one my parents left us, I guess it's mine now and since I can't even think about dealing with all this stuff, the wake, the funeral, the burial etc, would you..." Jess trailed off feeling guilty that she was even attempting to suggest such a thing the morning of finding out her brother was murdered.
"What is it Jess? Would I what?" Alice asked her.
"Well, I mean I 'have' to stay to deal with all this, tie up all the loose ends... but once it's all over & done with, do you think you could take some vacation days from work & just go up there with me? It's the one place I always felt closest to my parents & now, it's only fitting that it should be the place I want to run to after all this."
Alice thought, sure... she's got some vacation time coming to her, after all, she never goes anywhere so who uses vacation time they don't need for a trip they never take?
"Sure Jess," Alice smiled, "I'd love to."
Jess, still very shaken & probably mostly in shock, smiled back & reached her hand across the table to hold Alice's.
"You're a good friend Alice, you're my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without you."
Alice smiled, and deep down she knew she wouldn't know what to do without Jess either.
They were best friends, this much is true...
but tonight, Alice felt more like a stranger.
"You know, you'd think I'd be crying more, right? I mean, he was my brother for crying out loud. What the heck is wrong with me Al? Why aren't I inconsolable right now? Most sisters would be... maybe I have something wrong with me."
"No, Jess, you don't have anything wrong with you..." Alice said.
"Don't you remember studying about this in High School? The five stages of grief?"
"Oh, yeah, what were they again?" Jess couldn't remember.
"denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance." Alice proudly responded. Weird, how in the hell did she still remember that all these years later?
Jess was calculating something in her mind, "Ok, so if this is denial, how long is it gonna last? And anger?Angry at who? They don't even know who did it! How am I supposed to get angry with someone I don't know?!"
Jess seemed to be becoming a little agitated at the thought of all this, so Alice chose to try & lighten the mood.
"Hey Jess, you want me to see if I actually have something in the house that isn't stale?"
Jess smiled, "Nah, that's ok... the tea is fine. I'm really not all that hungry." she said.
"You know," Alice said, "I remember something else from that death class we took. Something about true grieving only begins where the 5 Stages of "Grief" leave off."
"Huh?" asked Jess, "so there's more to this grieving than just five stages?"
"Yeah, you're supposed to remember it by saying the word TEAR." said Alice.
"Ok, Al, you've totally lost me. What about the word TEAR?"
"Well," Alice explained, "TEAR is an acronym, it stands for:
T = To accept the reality your loss
E = Experience the pain of your loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without your loved one
R = Reinvest in the new reality that is your life without this person."
"Jesus Al, how in the hell do you REMEMBER all that stuff?" Jess asked with surprise.
"Eh, I dunno, a wealth of useless information I guess..." said Alice.
"Not useless this time," said Jess, "not useless this time..."
"So, what are you going to do? I mean, has anyone called you yet? The police, the news reporters, I mean you are his closest living relative, you'd think that someone would've called you by now, right?" asked Alice.
"I shut my cell phone off, I can't deal with that right now, I just can't." Jess said.
"See," Alice pointed out, "denial, it's the first stage..."
"Ok, ok Al, I get it, I'm grieving... I just wish I could crawl under a rock & forget this day ever happened. Is there anything in your death stuff about rocks?" Jess's eyes were filling up again and Alice knew that she needed to rest. Both of them did actually.
"Jess sweetie," Alice placed her hand gently on Jess's shoulder, "you think maybe we both need to just curl up & shut our eyes for a while? Shut out the outside world, even if just for an hour or so?"
Jess allowed a few tears to overflow from her eyes, "Yeah, I'd like that..." she said.
Alice finished her tea & Jess did the same. They both headed for the bedroom & Jess kicked off her shoes. Alice pulled out a couple of extra pillows from the closet & tossed them on the other side of the bed for Jess.
"You mind cuddling with an old friend?" Alice asked her.
Crying now, Jess merely threw her arms around Alice & sobbed into her hair, "I'd love it." she said.
They both curled up under Alice's big fluffy down comforter, (God bless L.L.Bean)
& although she had just taken off her shoes & still had her socks on,
Jess's feet were like ice.
"Hey chilly," Alice said, "Keep your frosty paws on your side, will ya?!"
Jess smiled through her tears & Alice thought she heard even a faint chuckle.
"Was that laughter I heard?" Alice asked her.
"Al," Jess spoke in barely a whisper...
"Yes?" Alice asked.
"I love you, thank you for, well... just thank you."
Alice wrapped herself up around Jess like a human pretzel.
"Friend, it's my pleasure." she said.
Both girls were emotionally drained & fell to sleep almost immediately.
As they drifted off, a news crew was setting up outside Alice's apartment,
along with a couple of police cruisers...
