Ode’ To My Happy Pills...

(*menstruating chick post, men be forewarned...)


...that's right, this is a dedication to my two little pieces of HAPPY amidst the period of, well... my period. (and by period I mean exactly what you're thinking, my monthly few days of FUN! not) You see, for 30+ years, it was a non-issue. No pain, no PMS, no cramps, no headaches, no NOTHING! Now? Oh, again with being God's LAB RAT... I now experience lower back pain SO SEVERE that it's as if a big sweaty fat man took joy in slamming me with a sledge hammer at least 2 or 3 times then left me for dead as he laughed his way to the nearest Mc'D's. (FUCKER!) Once I hit 35, my body (AKA: God's newest HOST for all upcoming EXPERIMENTS!) started to betray our past. Ever been betrayed? It's not fun... but I can deal if it's someone, another person who's betrayed me, fine. Wanna be a dumb ass? Your call, but just know that I NEVER forget even though I may often forgive... you betray me, you're now on my LIST. (those that make the list, STAY on the list NEVER to be removed, period. [no pun intended... well, maybe a little pun. Hell, it's a full fucking moon and I'm in pain damn it! You are NOT to judge me! I WILL have my fun where I can get/make it, right? JUST DEAL!]) So, back to my HAPPY PILLS. (google: Midol Maximum Strength Menstrual Complete) UNTIL I TAKE TWO OF THESE PUPPIES FIRST THING BEFORE STEPPING INTO MY SHOWER, I could NOT STEP INTO MY SHOWER. It's a miracle that I can even get up out of the BED never mind make it to the kitchen to find these little white friends of mine & ingest them faster than a fat kid eats cake! Seriously, about five minutes into my shower and right about the time the conditioner is to be rinsed from my bean, they KICK IN! Oh sweet medicated heaven! Is that my back feeling normal again? Did the fat sweaty man go join the obese kid for dessert? OH HOLY CHRIST THANK YOU FOR YOUR GIFT OF OVER THE COUNTER HEAVEN (you kinda OWED IT TO ME after the lobster incident AND THEN THE black hair/white hair debacle! CONSIDER US EVEN!) Now as I sit here & type I know that DESPITE the full moon, my period will NOT WIN this time. (because I've fashioned a holster for 'said happy pills' out of an old paper towel roll & the duct tape and the shit's at the ready on my HIP! The HELL with MacGyver, a menstruating woman in her 30's can make ANYTHING, need a bomb? Say the word, I'm sure I could give that shit a whirl too!) You'd be surprised how much necessity is TRULY the mother of all invention! So now I'm off to work, BACK HAPPY and protein shake in hand, I'm off... shit, all that's missing is a CAPE! hehehe I'm sure I will have more to share later but for now, I'M OFF! (wish me luck)

I Think I'm Going Crazy...

...or at least, to anyone listening (and thankfully, there's NO ONE!) I'm not only going crazy, but BAT SHIT crazy is more to the point!
See, all my life I've had a habit of sounding more like a TRUCKER when faced with the inevitable side effects of 'aging'.

How's that you say? Allow me to explain...

As a young girl, when I first discovered there was HAIR growing in places I didn't want it, I said, in a hushed voice, but nonetheless out LOUD (enough so I heard myself anyway...) DAMN IT! (yes, I was probably 8 or 10 or so...)

Then when I first got my period, same deal... walking home from school, friend behind me states, as loud as can be, "Hey Amy, you sat in something cuz you got red all over your skirt!" What do I reply? "AWWW SHIT!"

Fast forward to high school (let's not stay there long, even just the mention of it makes parts of me shiver in a BAD way!) I had spent my life listening to people say how 'lucky I was to have such a pretty 'beauty mark' (aka:MOLE) on my cheek, blah blah blah. (old Italian relatives' opinions DON'T COUNT, they're family thus required to say shit like that...) I was in class one day, who knows what class, who cared, they all sucked the same (except for creative writing, public speaking & art... shocker huh?) and I hear one of the 'kewl' kids behind me refer to me as "MW."
Hmmm, funny, my initials are A.S., wonder what she's talkin about?

Next day, same deal... "Hey, MW, what's UP?"
*puzzled look* as 'kewl kids' just walk away laughing.

Still not impressed. Fact is, I outweigh most of them & piss me off one more time girlies & shit's goin' DOWN! (and by shit, I mean YOU and by DOWN I mean, MY ASS IS GONNA SIT ON YA!)

Finally Friday comes, last period, 'study hall' (and by study hall, we all know I mean NAP time...) and again, stupid douche comes up to me with that fake ass "I'm mean cuz I don't have any real attributes to distinguish me from the pack as a normal human being or even remotely like able, so I'll just be a bitch cuz these people I call my 'friends' seem to like it that I'm the meanest one & they get to follow me, they're clearly as stupid if not more so, than me...) & says to me, "Hey MW, what's on for the weekend? Any KILLER plans?" *more laughter*

I finally asked her, "I'm sorry Bouche, (yes, I said Bouche, she wasn't clever enough to even know that I was using the 'CODE' on her ass...) but what exactly is MW, cuz you know those aren't my initials, right? *more laughter from the Bouche...*
Oh, we know, we just thought we'd give you a really killer nickname!
*amused at this point & even though I know I shouldn't, I did* "Oh really? And that would be?"

"MOLE WOMAN!" *fits of laughter out of Bouche & her minions...*

"Ah, I see... well Bouche, that's all fun & dandy, but truth be told, I'd have pegged you for coming up with something a tad bit more clever than that... but hey, if your Bouchey Dag little brain came up with MW, then you rock on with your bad self sistah..."

*minute or two elapse & Bouche turns to me with a puzzled look on her face...*
"Hey, MW, what the hell is Bouche? You think you're funny?" *her minions look beyond confused at this point as if they were asked to write a paper on: "What is the biological basis of consciousness?" Yeah right, like that would ever happen, NOT!*

I just smiled & said, "No Bouche, I KNOW I'm funny..." and walked off.

Later that night, alone in my room looking into my mirror & spying the elusive M from the MW... I cringe my face into some semblance of a knot, (wouldn't recommend it as it gave me a headache...) and I said "SON OF A BITCH!" again, under my breath, but with enough passion that were I to give it MORE breath than I did, neighbors would've heard my mouth & would immediately have called my Mother...

Welcome to modern day Amy... bordering on 36 and long since gone are the days of MW (not because I don't obsess about it anymore, but more because years back, when the M started sprouting little fun filled HAIRS, I, IN MY BRILLIANCE, decided it would be ok to shave them off. *EHHHH* Thanks for playing, shaved that shit RIGHT OFF in the shower. Bled for days, never grew back... ) moving right along. Now, my issue is that I'm finding white hairs where I'd like them to be black, & black hairs where, honestly, THERE SHOULD BE NONE! (between that & the fact that I'm now allergic to Lobster, I KNOW that God has a sense of humor, cuz I'm his friggen LAB RAT!)

I sit in front of my mirror & notice, by the glow of my little desk light, that one or more hairs may possibly be SNOW WHITE, yet again.
Without skipping a beat, I reach for my tweezers with a somewhat evil & DETERMINED look on my face ( the type that, as a kid, your mother always told you that if you were smacked in the back while making said face, you'd be that way forever...) FUCK IT, bring it on bitches, I GOT'S WHITE HAIRS TO RID MY NOGGIN OF! *YANK* "Fucker! How'd ya like that?!" *YANK* *OUCH* "Fucking fucker... GET!*YANK* THE!*YANK* FUCK!*YANK**OUCH!*OUT!*YANK!*"

This goes on for probably five minutes before I realize, that not only am I doing it again but I think I just gave myself a fucking bald spot!

Truly, it's deceiving... By day, I'm this sweet loving adoptive mother & career nanny who you'd never suspect has the mouth of a crazy crack smokin' truck driver! What the hell is UP with that SHIT? And NEVER out loud, on no, perish the thought. That would just be SO un-lady like... No, completely proper to spew trash out one's cake hole should you whisper it under your breath, but DARE to give it some volume? TRASHY TRASH TALKER! HOW DARE YOU?!

Now, don't ask how it makes me feel better, it just does. It's as if those God damned white hairs KNOW what I'm saying & the harder I grit my teeth & yank with more FURY, they KNOW THE BITCH MEANS BUSINESS! Even if I'm merely whispering it for only THEM to hear...

So, I reiterate... yes, I think I'm going crazy.
Any of you ladies wanna join me?
*wink*

Sometimes Genius Takes The Short Bus...

...like this morning when, while in the shower, I notice a HUGE black spider up in the furthest corner, slightly above my head. "OH I DON'T THINK SO", said out loud just in case Mr.spider understands English! I traipse nekkid into the kitchen (yes my blinds are open that early, trust me, AIN'T NOBODY lookin' this way to see the fat chick hobble out to her Viva's on the counter & honestly, if they are, ENJOY THE SHOW... Bill's in the mail!) So, Viva in hand, I hop back into the shower (nearly falling twice mind you) and get back in there only to realize that my 5'2.5" frame IS NOT going to reach me to new heights to rid my morning shower routine of it's unwanted guest.
FUCK!
What to do what to do? Hmmmmmmmm
A temporary lapse of reason summons the brilliance to lug one of my kitchen chairs in there, however brief it was, I then had visions of my fat, wet, broken body flopping & flapping on the shower floor patiently waiting in PAIN for my daughter to wake up & come find me there. Then I thought, "poor kid's been through enough in her little life, let's not add insult to injury!" KITCHEN CHAIR NIXED.

NEXT!

Standing there, hand on the nozzle of my water massage (NO COMMENTS FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY) and I think "Hmmm, perhaps?... Maybe..." *SWOOOOOOOOOOSH* a HUGE spray of water hits mister spider & knocks him silly... in slow motion, he takes a left at Albuquerque & heads down the drain with the rest of the stream.
Paper towel indeed, what the HELL is wrong with me? And TO THINK I NEARLY KILLED MYSELF WITH A KITCHEN CHAIR! ugh.

You'll pardon me as I use this paper towel to dry my hair in preparation for the HELMET I'll be wearing as I wait for the short bus to arrive...

So Little Time...

...SO MUCH SHIT to VENT ABOUT!

Ok, so here's the skinny of the happenings of me as of late.

1. SO IN LOVE WITH JEN LANCASTER I THINK THAT IF SHE & I WERE BOTH LESBIANS,
I'D SHOW UP ON HER DOORSTEP, TIFFANY PRINCESS CUT SOLITAIRE IN HAND BEGGING HER TO SPEND ETERNITY WITH ME.
No LIE! (the woman is just THAT FUNNY!) But I digress, since neither her nor myself are lesbians, that's a pipedream waiting to be my next nightmare. LOL

2. Miss Ruby & I missed Church today. Not because we meant to, but honestly because we were so wrapped up this morning in the hullabaloo of making Nonno's 'father's day' treat, (roasted red pepper soup with mascarpone cheese & garlic & herb crutons) that by the time the soup was simmering away on the stove, I happened to glance up & notice that it was nearly 1pm and was like "HOLY SHIT, IS THAT REALLY WHAT TIME IT IS?!"
Needless to say, we immediately stopped what we were doing, sat down together at the table, each did the sign of the cross & said a few prayers to God, (after all, it is Father's day, is it not? The Man IS the FATHER, if I'm not mistaken) and we asked to be forgiven for forgetting to attend services earlier but that our love for Nonno & my Kitchen OCD caused us to completely lose track of all things 'normal' & slip into the unconcious world of OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE COOKING with a side of NEUROSIS for good measure. So hey, we missed mass & feel that we've been forgiven (at least HOPE we have been) but the SOUP CAME OUT SO DAMN GOOD THAT HONESTLY, even if we WEREN'T forgiven, we'd take this soup to hell with us ANYDAY! GOOD LORD IS THAT SOME TASTY EATS!

...moving right along...

3. Newest BMB book arrived today (well, yesterday actually) in the mail & Brian Stuy is going to LOSE HIS MARBLES when he holds this puppy in his hands... in two words?
IT ROCKS!

I sat & read & re-read it over and over which is honestly retarded since I'm the one who put it all together thus, I've already READ IT prior to receiveing it's physical copy in the mail, I KNOW all the reports & I've practically memorized all the stories, but it's just so damn INTERESTING that I found myself hogging it when Kristen was just trying to figure out the best way to mail it to him so he'd have it asap. (duh, OVERNIGHT DUMBASS!) I love her but honestly I do believe she should've been born a blonde polish chick. (yes, I know I'm gonna get yelled at for this, but JEN YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU!)

5. Really, WHO needs a 4 anyway?

6. My tan is SPECTACULAR and I have my italian herritage to thank for these genes. ITALIAN DNA = PERFECTLY TANNED SKIN IN UNDER 3 JAUNTS TO THE POOL!
(good times!)

7. Most recent book (which is going to end up being a 2 book order, since her blog is so fantastically wonderfully large & detailed) was finally sent off to our publishers & hopefully will have it back in time to get off to her before her & the family go leavin' on a jet plane... etc. *fingers crossed*

8. I am hereby declaring that all razors in this house be confiscated by MY FRIENDS (ah hem, blonde polish one, I do believe this means YOU!) so that loud mouthed ITALIAN WOMAN who is about as gentle as a BULL IN A CHINA SHOP, NOT FURTHER SUBJECT HERSELF TO UNDUE PAIN & TORTURE all in the name of the damn BRAZILLIANS!
(It's SO JUST NOT WORTH IT! I mean really, what's the appeal of a Brailian when we have the beautiful slightly fuzzy PEACH to admire? I say, EAT MORE FRUIT PEOPLE!) Oops, SO not how I intended that to come out, but again, there it is...

9. My obnoxious neighbors (who I may or may NOT have called the cops on in the past) went sauntering past our house again today, with their OBLIVIOUS DOG who has ZERO RULES in his house as is clearly evident by the way he just skips up our side path, drops a deuce on our lawn, & continues down the lane as if NOTHING WRONG HAS HAPPENED?!
His owner? JUST AS FUCKING CLUELESS! I swear to everything that is holy, I'm SO going to start a SHIT COLLECTION of his dumbass dog's OFFERINGS and ever so gently/WHIPPINGLY chuck it, paper bag (not sure if it's to be flaming yet or not) RIGHT UP ON HIS STUPID FRONT PORCH with a polite little POST IT attached, that reads: "Dear sir, apparently it has not come to your attention the city rule that clearly states that all dogs MUST BE ON A LEASH when out for a walk with their owners. (there should be an addendum to this that states that all owners MUST HAVE A BRAIN before purchasing/adopting said animal as if neither is smart enough to clean up their messes, neither should be allowed to roam the streets!) As I don't subscribe to the 'ignorant pet owners book of rules & regulations' I am unsure of what to do with what is clearly your pets 'gifts' accumulating on my lawn. Since I cannot determine the best placement for such a gift, I feel it is only fitting to return it to you as I've found it, however neatly packaged in this lovely RECYCLABLE BAG for your proper disposal. I do hope that in the future you will take such action to see that this does not happen again as I honestly don't want to waste my perfectly good recycleable bags on your dog's SHIT. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Pissed off around the corner!


10. Now that the burning has stopped when I pee, I am quite happy with my bang up job at the brazilian, although hindsight tells me that perhaps, next time I should employ an ACTUAL BRAZILIAN (man/woman, doesn't matter...) to PROPERLY take care of business, as I really came about a milimeter shy of permanetly damaging the family jewls. (and by jewel, I mean JEWEL... NOOOOOOO!)

11. One week before my final apt with my surgeon... (note to self, bring cookies to him as a bribe!) What? You think just cuz he's my 'fat' surgeon that he's fat too? Not on your life, the man is young & handsome & could eat anything he wants & not even dream of gaining an ounce. Honestly, I think he's got some short of magical power where whenever HE eats what he wants, the women who come to him for help find EVERY LAST STINKIN OUNCE THAT HE'S DODGED, thus why we continually come back to him for help. What a way to stay in business, right? So, cookies never hurt as a bribe, fat chick or otherwise... everyone's gotta eat right? And since I'm pretty good at paying attention *when it COUNTS* I remember him saying once that he LOVES HOME MADE COOKIES, ANY TYPE, SO LONG AS THEY'RE HOME MADE JUST FOR HIM!
One word: DONE!

The boy is about to poke & prod around my insides & re-route my plumming, HE CAN HAVE SWEETS FIRST TO BRING ABOUT SOME 'HAPPY' SO HE'LL REMEMBER THE CUTE FAT CHICK WHO FED HIS ASS! (yes, he'll remember, my cookies are unforgetable!)

12. My daughter is sound asleep & so I'm off to go watch the CELTICS KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS!

13. JUST BECAUSE IT'S MY FAVORITE NUMBER!

LATER TATERS!
*grin*

So Little Time...

...SO MUCH SHIT to VENT ABOUT!

Ok, so here's the skinny of the happenings of me as of late.

1. SO IN LOVE WITH JEN LANCASTER I THINK THAT IF SHE & I WERE BOTH LESBIANS,
I'D SHOW UP ON HER DOORSTEP, TIFFANY PRINCESS CUT SOLITAIRE IN HAND BEGGING HER TO SPEND ETERNITY WITH ME.
No LIE! (the woman is just THAT FUNNY!) But I digress, since neither her nor myself are lesbians, that's a pipe dream waiting to be my next dirty

Note To Self... (*TMI, read with caution!)

...when shaving in the nether regions, always remember,
the PAIN of shelling out the dough to do a PROPER BRAZILIAN
is FAR LESS than the pain of DOING A HACK UP HOME JOB &
CUTTING ONE'S SELF IN THE PROCESS!

HOLY FUCKING OUCH!!!!!!

Friday The 13th...

...HANDS DOWN, BEST DAY EVER! (for me anyways!)

So, a lot has been happening, I'm halfway through my 3rd & final Jen Lancaster book, OMG SO FUNNY I seriously can't wait till she blesses us with yet another page turner of PURE GENIUS with a HUGE SERVING OF FUNNY all packaged nice & neat to be worshiped & enjoyed in the form of the ever wonderful, TRADE PAPERBACK BOOK! Seriously, she's ME with blonde hair & FAR better fashion sense, but her inability to master the internal censor, RIGHT UP MY ALLEY! Love love LOVE HER! I highly recommend that if you have NOT YET READ her books, RUN RUN RUN RIGHT NOW & GET THEM, ALL OF THEM! I have not laughed THIS HARD since the recent viewing of my friends new perm! (Seriously, 1986 called, they want their hair back!)

Anyhoo, and yes, Cris, I LOVE YOU, despite your obvious lack of an up to date calender.

Moving on...

SO TODAY IS FANTASTIC NOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH! (Wonderful things have ALWAYS happened for me on these rare but glorious days, and TODAY IS NO EXCEPTION!)

Today's fabulous happening is that NOT ONLY have I officially lost 62 lbs, BUT I saw my neurologist this morning (man in charge of the sleep lab where I recently had my sleep study done...) and he says, and I quote: "Amy, your doing amazing. You are a completely different person from the last time I saw you (over a year ago) and your sleep study was very NORMAL, you're fine! (translation: NO C-PAP!) Congratulations!"

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Next is my surgery on the 30th and then my Neurologist wants to see me back for MS related things in October, but he also commented (after doing a quick battery of tests that were relating to the MS) that I am as if I don't even have it. WHICH IS HOW I ALWAYS FEEL WHICH IS NICE TO HAVE VALIDATED BY HIM!
hehehe


Also, bookmyblog.com is doing VERY WELL! We recently just received word that our latest project (for one Mr. Brian Stuy) is on it's way to us now & upon our inspection & approval, we'll send it his way & I'm pretty sure that he will be so in love with how it's turned out that he has plans to purchase many of them to have available for purchase to his readers via researchchina.org! Not too shabby... *grin*

Also, I've taken on another part time job working with the company that Kristen (my BMB business partner) works for & from home, doing a little data entry stuff for them.
It's nothing huge but the pay is excellent & since I'm very efficient and can type like the dickens, it's a GOOD THING!

PLUS I also recently entered into an agreement with my neighbor & friend April to care for her little boy, Chase. (He's a PEANUT PIE and I could nibble on his CHEEKS!)
I'll be watching her little man here & there & that alone will end up paying for Ruby's pre school next year. *grin*

So, all things considered... Life. Is. Good.


I've got some work to do today to finish up the 1st of a possible 2 or 3 book deal with our current customer, who I SIMPLY ADORE! She's a damn doll, and after that is finished & I can send her a page count & an estimate, I'm off to hop in the pool with miss Ruby & work some more on my SPECTACULAR TAN!
(gotta love Italian DNA, or perhaps it's the fat in my arms, either way, THE SUN LOVES ME! Never burn, always golden brown tan WITH LASTING POWER THAT SADLY TRUMPS NEARLY EVERY GUY I'VE EVER DATED...)

TMI? Perhaps, but there it is...


I feel like a slacker with the 3 Word Sunday as I've not done one in like two weeks now I think, AND I so dropped the ball on all those pictures from our day out at Salem Willows and the harbor boat cruise, BUT FEAR NOT, as I am going to DO THEM RIGHT NOW before I get busy with something else, which is almost always the case!

Hope everyone is well & promise to post more once the Surgery is done & I'm home healing... let's be honest, I'll have nothing but TIME then... and I plan to USE IT TO BLOG!

For right now, enjoy these pictures of the wonderful day I shared with my daughter & her Uncle Steve:

And The Winner Is...

...VIRAL PNEUMONIA!

How do I know? Oh, a sweet Radiology Tech named Joe told me... after both a frontal & lateral Xray of miss Ruby roo. (& Bear too,but that's another story for another day, trust me...)

Word on the street is, it's not life threatening, it's treatable, it was caught IN TIME, (and by IN TIME I mean, EARLY ENOUGH so as not to really have something to shit my pants over!) and her fever is gone, completely & she's eating & drinking like a CHAMP and having regular visits to her POTTY as well! (Phew, that was a mouth full!)

She's on Ammox, (aka: cotton candy "Pink"/ Ruby's always called Medicine, "Pink" as it's almost always that color...) she is doing well & the only thing she's doing that she normally doesn't, is taking a nap thus far, once a day in the middle of the day, which is uncharacteristic of her. I'm not complaining of course, I know she needs her rest, but the mid day nap has made her bed time routine off by an hour or so, no biggie. We adjust, we always do.

Hope all of you are having a GREAT weekend so far & I haven't forgotten that I promised pictures, tomorrow after Church, scouts honor!

*hugs*

" I Feel PRETTY... Oh So...

...SHITTY!

(Sleep study last night...)
Nuff said?
UGH!

No, really though, it was NOT FUN trying to sleep with all those wires & tape and GLUE and GARBAGE all over my body, EVEN IN MY HAIR! And when I say all over, I MEAN ALL OVER!
(haven't been groped that much since high school!)

Anyhoo, so the only bright side was that I had time to myself to read.

I flew through the first 4 chapters & then I heard 'ok Amy, lights out...'

UGH, IT WAS JUST GETTING TO THE GOOD SCHTUFF!!!!

Seriously, it was an impulse buy cuz of the COVER, and I SHOULD have known better, but it's SO already headed down the path of 'SOFT CORN!'... (and by Corn, we're all aware that I mean P*rn!)... not that I wasn't enjoying it, on the contrary, HELLOOOOOOOO GOOD BOOK!, but it's just that, you can't really mix over an hour's worth of touching by a complete stranger, getting wired LITERALLY to lots of electrical shiat & then reading soft Corn, ya know? But hey, my ins footed the bill so I'm gonna chalk it up to a not so shabby date where I didn't have to put out at ALL and got to bring my soft corn home with me! hehehe

Only down side, (other than the wires) was that last night was the FIRST NIGHT in OVER THREE YEARS that I was apart from Ruby.

THAT.
WAS.
HARD!

I missed her so much & it seems she missed me too because the report I got from my mom was that she took forever to fall asleep & then was up at 5am.

5AM?@%#$%^#$%^
She NEVER gets up that early for me, EVER!

MY POOR MOTHER!

Anyhoo... Ruby's actually pretty sick (temp yesterday of 103.1 and this morning of 103.5) needless to say we're on our way to the doctors for an 11am apt.
So far since being home I've managed to give her a tepid bath, give her a dose of her tylenol, got her to drink a whole sippy of water, her multivitamin, also got her to eat most of 2 fried eggs & some of a piece of toast and a few sips of her milk.

Seeing as how she barely ate a thing yesterday, I'd say this is a good sign despite her raging fever... more to come on both Ruby's status & (when I get them) the results of my fabulous sleep study...NOT!)

Grabbin' My WHAT?!...

...can barely move, am SORE ALL OVER, took a water aerobics class tonight at the Y, and although I had taken it many times years ago, YEARS AGO is what's important in this sentence! My body did NOT recall EVER having taken such a class OR MOVING THAT MUCH in water, EVER! (We have a pool, don't get me wrong, I'm a FISH, I LOVE being in the water, POOLS, NOT THE OCEAN, shit bites you in the ocean & sand finds places to hide that I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD!) moving on... So I'm at this class & it's filled with older women, most of them my mom's age or older, and yes, we're all fatties, big deal, I expected that. What I did NOT expect, however, was to see MOST ALL OF THEM not taking the class seriously. Just splashing about, bouncing here & there & mostly socializing.
Me? NO WAY! I just saw my surgeon again today & he said I have three weeks to lose the last 10 lbs & then four weeks from right now, I'll be in the hospital for my procedure.
I was not about to waste an entire hour in the pool by fooling around & acting like half my high school class! It's disrespectful to the teacher & quite frankly, I didn't need go for the chit chat, I went for the LOSE FAT!

So, I pushed myself SO HARD and now muscles that I didn't know were hibernating, are HURTING LIKE MAD! But, it feels GOOOOOOOOD!

At one point during the class, she has us jump up & asks us to reach between our legs & grab our inner thighs. I, without thinking who my audience was, piped up with: "Hell, if I don't, nobody else is gonna..."

*silence*

NOBODY APPRECIATES SEX JOKES IN A POOL FULL OF WOMEN WHO CLEARLY AREN'T GETTIN ANY! lol

I'm happy I went and I plan on going every night until my body gives up or I've lost the ten pounds. Surgery is FORTHCOMING!

Now, here's a Ruby tidbit to share...

Recently, while enjoying a day with my cousin Steve & Ruby over at Salem Willows, we all enjoyed an ice cream. Steve got, black raspberry, I got something sinful with chocolate (all the more reason to keep hauling my fat ass to the pool to grab various body parts, just remembering to try to curb the jokes... YA RIGHT!)and Miss Ruby, got Mint chocolate chip.

Half way into the cones, I casually ask my cousin, "How's your ice cream?" to which he replied: "Good!"

Then, Ruby followed suit & asked: "Uncle Steve, how's your ice cream?" to which he AGAIN replied, "Good!" and followed with his OWN question: "And Ruby, how's yours?"

To which she just looked at him slightly puzzled as if he were a moron & simply answered: "IT'S MINT!"

hehehehehehe

She's so cute, she loves her ice cream but I'm gonna bet the farm, that she loves her uncle more. =)

I do have TONS of photos from our day at the Willows, we even took a harbor boat cruise, but I haven't had a minute to upload any of them but I PROMISE by the weekend, I'll get them up for your viewing pleasure.

HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAVING A GREAT START TO YOUR WEEK!


More soon, right now my ass needs a nap...

"Blacker..."

Yep, that's right, a new word folks... a "BLACKER" or, a Blog Slacker, if you will, is my NEW WORD THIS WEEK! I have been so busy with work (both Y and Bookmyblog.com) that I haven't had a minute to myself. Between those two jobs & Ruby & everything else that life throws at you, who has time to even poop properly? (and by properly I mean with no interruptions and a good book!)

Anyhoo, TMI, I know... but just thought I'd toss out a few tidbits of news:

-by MY home scale, I'm down 56 lbs...
-by the HOSPITAL scale, I'm down 46 lbs... don't ask.

(It's kinda like how my mirrors in the house LOVE ME, but pictures tend to tell a whole different story. I get up & get ready for the day, glance at my reflection in the mirror & think, "damn girl, you're lookin' FIIIIIIIINE!" while every photograph ever taken of me by SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME, screams a completely different sentiment: "psst, your mirrors LIE! fatty..." So I guess the things in my world are all pretty happy & fun & complimentary whereas everything else in the REAL WORLD ie: hospital scales & photos taken by others who aren't familiar with the look from above, sideways head tilt that always successfully creates the illusion of 'thin face' begs to differ.)

-My surgery date for gastric bypass is still scheduled for June 30th, and I recently received word from my insurance that it's going to be covered 100%, yeah me! (or more really YEAH for those pre-existing health conditions like sleep apnea & morbid obesity, and MS and type II diabetes... good times)

-I have a sleep study scheduled for this coming Tuesday night, only thing I'm looking forward to about this is their TEMPURPEDIC BEDS! *drool* I may refuse to leave come to think of it... could quite possibly be the first time any one's ever called in the jaws of life to remove a sleeper who refuses to budge!

-Ruby's bangs are nearly nonexistent now, she's thrilled & obviously still insisting on growing them out, se la vie'.

-My girl has mastered the game of CUT THROAT CANDYLAND, and will happily BEAT any fool who takes her up on her offer of a "friendly game." ...it's neither friendly NOR a game to this girl, man, when Italian's do anything, they mean BUSINESS! (she can be more frightening than some of the serious Italian's I know who may or may not be involved in shady activity of some sort...)

-Bookmyblog.com is now on it's 5Th customer and rising. Every blog I book makes me completely happy to know that we can A. provide such a service & B. that we even figured out how to do it in the first place! Happy forever families everywhere, just feel good work is all I'm sayin'.

-Tuesday's with Uncle Steve, this week only, changed to Thursday's with Uncle Steve, and as I type this I hear his car door shutting & so I must fly to the kitchen to get his chicken veggie wrap ready... ah the joys of spoiling one's cousin!

HOPE EVERYONE HAD A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY WEEKEND & I PROMISE TO POST MORE & EVEN SOME PICTURES ONCE I FINISH UP WITH MY CURRENT BMB.COM CUSTOMER! I'm focused so must finish that first!

*hugs*

-Amy (& one sound asleep miss Ruby roo who ASKED to go to bed tonight at 6:45pm.)

3 Words...

...just don't seem enough this time:



God's Newest Angel...



Praying For Chapman's...



Missing Maria Sue...



Praying For Strength...



Hugging Ruby Tighter...




Humans Make Mistakes...




...the list goes on and on, my heart too is broken. I've been sad all Week.
I have tried several times to put myself in their shoes & I can't even get past a second of what that might be like as I break down in tears & run to find Ruby, wherever she may be in the house & scoop her up in my arms & hold her so tight. Poor kid doesn't know why I'm acting this way but things like this certainly make us all think about our blessings & how amazing a gift it is to parent our children.

May God bless and keep the Chapman family at this terrible time of sadness and loss in their lives and may He comfort & guide Maria Sue's brother & help him to understand that we're all human and it truly was an accident. May God help him and the whole Chapman family to live their lives in a way that honors their girl's memory and may He hold their sweet Maria Sue just a little closer as well.

Amen.


-Amy & Ruby Cate

My Pockets Are Empty But My Soul Is Full...

(setting the scene: Had my friends daughter over the other night for dinner & a play date with miss Ruby. Only stipulation was that Elizabeth was to practice her multiplication tables from the 1's to the 6's during dinner...)

Fast forward to dinner:

Me: "Five times six is?"
Elizabeth: "thirty?"
Me: "EXCELLENT! Ok, five times seven is?"
Elizabeth: "thirty five?"
Me: GOOD JOB!

Ruby pipes in: "AND FIVE IS TEN!"

Roar of laughter out of me & Elizabeth is snickering saying "She's so cute!"

Ruby is LAUGHING out loud & then stops abruptly & says:
"This is holy crap sad!"

OMG it was all I could do to NOT WET MY PANTS!

hehehe How blessed I am to call this little math whiz my daughter!

(Oh, and on another 'feeling blessed' note, I received today in the mail, my letter of PRE-APPROVAL from my insurance co. for my upcoming SURGERY on June 30TH!) AND finished TWO MORE blog books & working on a THIRD as we speak... not to mention that I'm now down nearly 35 lbs & that's after being on the scale this morning WITH my period so imagine the weight that will magically disappear in about a week when that's over? WOOOO HOOOOO life is pretty fandamntastic these days!)

My Pockets Are Empty But My Soul Is Full...

(setting the scene: Had my friends daughter over the other night for dinner & a play date with miss Ruby. Only stipulation was that Elizabeth was to practice her multiplication tables from the 1's to the 6's during dinner...)

Fast forward to dinner:

Me: "Five times six is?"
Elizabeth: "thirty?"
Me: "EXCELLENT! Ok, five times seven is?"
Elizabeth:

My Pockets Are Empty But My Soul Is Full...

(setting the scene: Had my friends daughter over the other night for dinner & a play date with miss Ruby. Only stipulation was that Elizabeth was to practice her multiplication tables from the 1's to the 6's during dinner. Fastforward to dinner:

Finally...

...a SURGERY DATE!

Well, the second one technically... as the first one, originally scheduled for May 28th, was pushed back because my surgeon said, and I quote: "You're an apple, I need you to lose another 20lbs & then we'll schedule it for June..."

UGH, when he said that I felt like I'd had the wind knocked out of me!
Just wasn't expecting to hear that since I A. followed EVERY RULE BY THE LETTER and did everything that was requested of me & lost their 20lbs they said would be necessary before surgery.

I'm another 10lbs down now, which makes it 30 to date... 10 more & I'm good. Although I suspect that I'll lose more than another 10 as I still have 40 days until surgery.

The last 10 I lost in 3 weeks, so maybe I can surprise him & lose 15 or more?

I truly am living a whole new life... eating differently (no liquids with meals & not only no liquids with meals but stopping DRINKING a half hour before eating anything & NOT RESUMING DRINKING until AN HOUR AFTER EATING THE SOLID FOODS.) And by solid foods I mean high protein foods, ie; cheese, lean chicken, tuna, yogurt...etc)

I know, sounds fun doesn't it?
Well, honestly... it isn't that bad really.
It sure beats knowing I'll live the rest of my life, overweight, overtired, and in pain. I just am looking forward to NOT having to worry about whether or not I'm too heavy for a certain seat at someone's back yard 'cook out', or if I'll fit into the seats at the ball park (haven't ever seen a Red Sox game live because of that concern...) or if my ass makes my jeans look fat, that one's a killer!

I'm reading a book currently, "Such A Pretty Fat" by: Jen Lancaster, and the best part in the book thus far, had me CRACKING UP OUT LOUD at my doctor's the other day:

"What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, 'Hey, I'm going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate application of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Shit; I kind of prefer being called a 'fat bitch.' At least it doesn't pull any punches. 'Pretty face' is only used to counteract addressing someone's weight. Nobody ever says, 'you have such a pretty face; it's a shame you're a whore.'

OMG I NEARLY DIED LAUGHING & WAS LAUGHING OUT LOUD SO MUCH SO THAT HALF THE WAITING ROOM SLOWLY SHIFTED THEIR SEATS & MADE SURE THEY WERE JUST THAT MUCH FARTHER AWAY FROM THE 'CRAZY WOMAN' LAUGHING TO HERSELF...!


hehehe, totally worth it, let them think I'm nuts, hell, I am on occasion, but one thing I know for sure, DURING THIS PROCESS, this whole WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY JOURNEY & LIFESTYLE CHANGE, if you DON'T have a sense of humor about most things, you'll never get through it, period.

Thankfully, God not only granted me with a tank ass AND a pretty face, but a SENSE OF HUMOR to boot! Good times...

So, more to come as I'm tired for now & need my Zzzzz's, but trust me, there's so much more to share, but for now, I'll share this: I'm Thankful for the light at the end of my tunnel.

Finally...

...a SURGERY DATE!

Well, the second one technically... as the first one, originally scheduled for May 28th,

3 Word Sunday...

...Tear Free Mass.

Miss Ruby went to Mass again with me today, we've been going every Sunday now since just prior to her Baptism & aside from the FIRST time at Church & the actual day of her Baptism, EACH MASS since has been nonstop clinging to me for dear life accompanied by much crying.

Not today.
Today, call it divine intervention, call it whatever you want, but my girl, not only did PHENOMENAL, but was HAPPY for the WHOLE MASS! She even shared the sign of peace with others AND smiled at Father! A far cry from last week's shenanigans.

Now we're home & I have a screeching headache courtesy of the insence used this morning. Love it but ALWAYS has this effect on me sadly. So, a couple of advil & some whole grain crackers & water later, it's slowly, hopefully on it's way out.

I hope whether you attend a service or not, that you all have a fantastic Sunday & count your blessings each & every second of every day.

And, please keep China in your prayers as they continue to deal with such an enormous tragedy & momentous loss. They've announced 3 days of mourning for the deceased... I have a feeling most of us will be morning for years to come, as I still remember 9-11 as if it happened yesterday.

Always in my prayers & never forgotten.

God bless.

3 Word Sunday...

...Tear Free Mass.

Miss Ruby went to Mass again with me today, we've been going every Sunday now since just prior to her Baptism & aside from the FIRST time at Church & the actual day of her Baptism, EACH MASS since has been her clinging to me for dear life & crying.

3 Word Sunday...

...Tear Free Mass.

Miss Ruby went to Mass again with me today, we've been going every Sunday now since just prior to her Baptism & aside from the FIRST time at Church, EACH MASS