Has it been that long?
Five months... seems like an eternity at times but it's weird, because exactly five months ago tonight, I had just returned home to Boston from China.
I was exhausted from the long journey home, from the hours that, at times, seemed to crawl endlessly one into the next with no end in sight.
But what a TRIP it turned out to be. The two weeks that changed my life forever...
... my days in China were ones I'll never forget.
I flew half way around this earth to meet my dream come true... and what a dream she was!
I was finally, a Mother. Not just any Mother... but a Mother to this most beautiful perfect baby girl that still, to this day, takes my breath away.
I didn't know what I had done to deserve such a beautiful child & it's funny, everyone says how lucky she is to have me, but the truth is, it's completely the other way around & I'll say that till the day I die.
Ruby saved me.
You're all familiar I'm sure with the saying "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride..." ? Well, in my head it went a little something like this: "Always a Nanny, never a Mother..."
Ruby washed that saying from my head & my heart for the rest of my life.
I am probably the proudest woman on the planet tonight.
Proud of my Daughter who, at 2 days old was abandoned & ultimately found to be placed into the local SWI in her province. She lived all those days, and weeks, and months... (14 to be exact) without a Mother... always wondering, I'm sure, if one would come.
Halfway across the world, during those same 14 months, I too was alone & wondering...
... will there ever be an end to this thing called 'adoption'. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel or am I just destined to sit idly by & watch as everyone else in the world (it seemed) was celebrating the arrival of their referrals, while mine was still no where to be found.
I believe that September of 04... I was at the tail end of compiling my dossier paperwork to have it ready for a Dec 1st DTC.
(ha, how naive I was...)
Dec 1st came and went... no DTC.
Finally on Jan 14th, 2005 I received the news that I was DTC and was that such an unreal feeling.
I was excited yet, felt like someone had just unofficially placed a HUGE BOLDER on my shoulders for me to carry around UNTIL ... until... ah, yes- until my baby girl's picture came to me in the form of a referral.
July came and referrals were coming in but not for my group.
Originally when I started the process they said it was roughly a six month wait from DTC to referral. Ok, six months... I can do that, right?
Ah, August... such a lovely month... so hot & muggy and buggy and sticky & the month I was to turn 33. Who wouldn't love August?
I wouldn't love August. Big deal, another birthday (all it meant was I was getting older & gravity was continuing to be ever so cruel in just the right places...) and still, no referral.
So you'll forgive me if I don't celebrate August in the way it should be celebrated... I think I slept through most of it if I wasn't burying myself in my job.
Then September comes... people thought for SURE that my referral would've come before August was over & they'd say " oh my gosh Amy, you must be so upset... I really thought we'd have a picture by now, when do you think it's coming? I just can't wait another minute..."
which always made me laugh because, as much as I love my family & friends, THEY weren't the ones who jumped into this whole process with both feet planted firmly on the ground...
...I was.
I would hear these things being said to me & think to myself, "ok Amy, don't flip on them, just be nice, don't be rude... they don't understand, they're just trying to be helpful & make me feel better..." when really all it made me want to do was to jam a pen in their windpipe so they couldn't ask such asinine questions of me EVER again!
Asking someone who is TRYING to PATIENTLY wait for their Referral of their child "when is the picture coming" is like asking someone with a loved one in the ICU "when do you think she'll pass? Will it be soon or can we expect her to hold on just a little longer?"
YOU WOULDN'T DARE TO ASK SUCH THINGS TO SOMEONE OVER SUCH A SENSITIVE MATTER, PERIOD.
So, why then is it ACCEPTABLE to ask anyone waiting to adopt ANYTHING, unless it's "can I buy you some chocolate?"
Now that question I'd have had an answer for, and it would've been pleasant.
So now, as I sit here & remember all these things that happened while I waited for that day to arrive when I first laid eyes on my precious baby girl... I can't help but think to myself, "man, it was ALL WORTH IT!"
I guess it's what biological mothers say regarding the 'labor' part of 'labor & delivery'... that it was all worth it once you see that sweet little face.
And you know what? They're right... because just when I had given up all hope & was LITERALLY curled up on my couch with my trusted furry friend Ebenezer, the impossible became possible. My phone rang & it was Eric from my agency wishing me a Happy Birthday.
(I love Eric, but he can be a bit of a spaz at times cuz his brain is always on like twenty five different things at once...) So I had to laugh as I said to him, "Eric, it's not my birthday... you know my birthday's in August..."
"Well," he said... " It's Ruby's Birthday."
"WHAT!!!!@#$#%^#$%^@#$%!?
"Yup, Today is Ruby's Birthday & she's 1 year old & she's beautiful..."
*thud* (the sound of my jaw hitting the floor as I jumped off the couch & heard the words that I'd waited SO LONG to hear...)
I was shaking & numb all at once.
I feel that, with everything going on with the CCAA and all the people who are just tired of the waiting & the wondering, well... I felt it would be nice to share with you all the reality that, yes- you really DO eventually get this call... and yes- it IS THAT AMAZING!
That day was September 7th, 2005... one year to the day of my daughter's birthday.
I was numb, I was shaking, I was crying tears of joy, I was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life...
I ran to the computer & violently shook my foot while waiting for what seemed like FOREVER to heard that familiar *ding* that tells me I have mail...
Shaking, I click on it and what I saw, changed my life forever.
You know, I knew what Ruby looked like long before I ever saw her actual picture.
God's honest truth... I saw her in a dream & I remember telling my Mother during this process that "OMG Ma, she's beautiful & chubby & has a TON of HAIR and she's got a gorgeous face and I just LOVE HER SO MUCH!"
My mom would say " Amy, what if when you get your referral it's a cute little baby with no hair?"
I simply replied to her,
"I'm not worried, cuz it won't happen, trust me, Ruby has a TON of hair..."
"But Amy, you could get referred a sweet little bald baby, and you'll love that baby just as much, you have to prepare yourself for that..."
(me, smiling...)
"Ma, really- it won't happen. Believe me, Ruby has hair..."
So, the day I opened that email from Eric, and saw this beautiful child, I knew that there was way more at work here than just people at my agency, people in china, people who do the fingerprints or the authentications or the notarizations etc...
... a miracle was at work & I was experiencing it first hand.
Happy Five Months Home baby girl... You are now & remain forever, Momma's Dream Come True!!!
Here's to the next five months flying by so that everyone I love who is currently waiting for their miracles to arrive, will be just that much closer...
I was exhausted from the long journey home, from the hours that, at times, seemed to crawl endlessly one into the next with no end in sight.
But what a TRIP it turned out to be. The two weeks that changed my life forever...
... my days in China were ones I'll never forget.
I flew half way around this earth to meet my dream come true... and what a dream she was!
I was finally, a Mother. Not just any Mother... but a Mother to this most beautiful perfect baby girl that still, to this day, takes my breath away.
I didn't know what I had done to deserve such a beautiful child & it's funny, everyone says how lucky she is to have me, but the truth is, it's completely the other way around & I'll say that till the day I die.
Ruby saved me.
You're all familiar I'm sure with the saying "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride..." ? Well, in my head it went a little something like this: "Always a Nanny, never a Mother..."
Ruby washed that saying from my head & my heart for the rest of my life.
I am probably the proudest woman on the planet tonight.
Proud of my Daughter who, at 2 days old was abandoned & ultimately found to be placed into the local SWI in her province. She lived all those days, and weeks, and months... (14 to be exact) without a Mother... always wondering, I'm sure, if one would come.
Halfway across the world, during those same 14 months, I too was alone & wondering...
... will there ever be an end to this thing called 'adoption'. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel or am I just destined to sit idly by & watch as everyone else in the world (it seemed) was celebrating the arrival of their referrals, while mine was still no where to be found.
I believe that September of 04... I was at the tail end of compiling my dossier paperwork to have it ready for a Dec 1st DTC.
(ha, how naive I was...)
Dec 1st came and went... no DTC.
Finally on Jan 14th, 2005 I received the news that I was DTC and was that such an unreal feeling.
I was excited yet, felt like someone had just unofficially placed a HUGE BOLDER on my shoulders for me to carry around UNTIL ... until... ah, yes- until my baby girl's picture came to me in the form of a referral.
July came and referrals were coming in but not for my group.
Originally when I started the process they said it was roughly a six month wait from DTC to referral. Ok, six months... I can do that, right?
Ah, August... such a lovely month... so hot & muggy and buggy and sticky & the month I was to turn 33. Who wouldn't love August?
I wouldn't love August. Big deal, another birthday (all it meant was I was getting older & gravity was continuing to be ever so cruel in just the right places...) and still, no referral.
So you'll forgive me if I don't celebrate August in the way it should be celebrated... I think I slept through most of it if I wasn't burying myself in my job.
Then September comes... people thought for SURE that my referral would've come before August was over & they'd say " oh my gosh Amy, you must be so upset... I really thought we'd have a picture by now, when do you think it's coming? I just can't wait another minute..."
which always made me laugh because, as much as I love my family & friends, THEY weren't the ones who jumped into this whole process with both feet planted firmly on the ground...
...I was.
I would hear these things being said to me & think to myself, "ok Amy, don't flip on them, just be nice, don't be rude... they don't understand, they're just trying to be helpful & make me feel better..." when really all it made me want to do was to jam a pen in their windpipe so they couldn't ask such asinine questions of me EVER again!
Asking someone who is TRYING to PATIENTLY wait for their Referral of their child "when is the picture coming" is like asking someone with a loved one in the ICU "when do you think she'll pass? Will it be soon or can we expect her to hold on just a little longer?"
YOU WOULDN'T DARE TO ASK SUCH THINGS TO SOMEONE OVER SUCH A SENSITIVE MATTER, PERIOD.
So, why then is it ACCEPTABLE to ask anyone waiting to adopt ANYTHING, unless it's "can I buy you some chocolate?"
Now that question I'd have had an answer for, and it would've been pleasant.
So now, as I sit here & remember all these things that happened while I waited for that day to arrive when I first laid eyes on my precious baby girl... I can't help but think to myself, "man, it was ALL WORTH IT!"
I guess it's what biological mothers say regarding the 'labor' part of 'labor & delivery'... that it was all worth it once you see that sweet little face.
And you know what? They're right... because just when I had given up all hope & was LITERALLY curled up on my couch with my trusted furry friend Ebenezer, the impossible became possible. My phone rang & it was Eric from my agency wishing me a Happy Birthday.
(I love Eric, but he can be a bit of a spaz at times cuz his brain is always on like twenty five different things at once...) So I had to laugh as I said to him, "Eric, it's not my birthday... you know my birthday's in August..."
"Well," he said... " It's Ruby's Birthday."
"WHAT!!!!@#$#%^#$%^@#$%!?
"Yup, Today is Ruby's Birthday & she's 1 year old & she's beautiful..."
*thud* (the sound of my jaw hitting the floor as I jumped off the couch & heard the words that I'd waited SO LONG to hear...)
I was shaking & numb all at once.
I feel that, with everything going on with the CCAA and all the people who are just tired of the waiting & the wondering, well... I felt it would be nice to share with you all the reality that, yes- you really DO eventually get this call... and yes- it IS THAT AMAZING!
That day was September 7th, 2005... one year to the day of my daughter's birthday.
I was numb, I was shaking, I was crying tears of joy, I was the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life...
I ran to the computer & violently shook my foot while waiting for what seemed like FOREVER to heard that familiar *ding* that tells me I have mail...
Shaking, I click on it and what I saw, changed my life forever.
You know, I knew what Ruby looked like long before I ever saw her actual picture.
God's honest truth... I saw her in a dream & I remember telling my Mother during this process that "OMG Ma, she's beautiful & chubby & has a TON of HAIR and she's got a gorgeous face and I just LOVE HER SO MUCH!"
My mom would say " Amy, what if when you get your referral it's a cute little baby with no hair?"
I simply replied to her,
"I'm not worried, cuz it won't happen, trust me, Ruby has a TON of hair..."
"But Amy, you could get referred a sweet little bald baby, and you'll love that baby just as much, you have to prepare yourself for that..."
(me, smiling...)
"Ma, really- it won't happen. Believe me, Ruby has hair..."
So, the day I opened that email from Eric, and saw this beautiful child, I knew that there was way more at work here than just people at my agency, people in china, people who do the fingerprints or the authentications or the notarizations etc...
... a miracle was at work & I was experiencing it first hand.
Happy Five Months Home baby girl... You are now & remain forever, Momma's Dream Come True!!!
Here's to the next five months flying by so that everyone I love who is currently waiting for their miracles to arrive, will be just that much closer...
6 comments:
Wow - that was beautiful :) And your daughter is sooo beautiful!! We are just beginning the whole process - in the middle of "paper chasing". I can't wait to have those feelings too. Thanks for brightening up my day and renewing my hope :)
I couldn't have said it any better myself. April 18th was Taylor's one year referral anniversary and June 20th will be one year since gotcha day.
I can't imangine anymore what my life was like without Taylor in it. Alan and I were married for 16 years before Taylor came into our lives. I now know why we waited so long, because if we had done this any sooner we would not have been blessed with Taylor.
We have just started the paper chase for #2 and can't wait to go back to China for Taylor's sister.
Michelle and Taylor
Thank you for sharing--- your life, and your love of being Ruby's Mama. I don't know who is more blessed-- Ruby or you!! Thank you again--
It was wonderful spending time in China with you. Ruby and you are perfect together! It DOES seem like the process will never end; then the day comes and changes our lives forever; and we forget about all the waiting and wondering.
Debby (&Wynn)
Happy 5 month anniversary! You are BOTH blessed - and yes, there are no mistakes in the whole process. The wait is painful, but those precious referral photos take all the pain away. Ain't life GRAND!
Very nice.
It's interesting to see the glum pictures of her then and the cheerful pictures of her now, with you.
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