A little sugar to go with that Elephant? Thanks, but I'll pass...
Ever have one of those nights where you're just truly sad to the core?
When you don't know why, but you kinda do know why?
Things don't make sense, yet you know exactly why your eyes are filled with tears
and your lip is quivering so fast & you can't stop it?
Welcome to my thursday night...
I know I have a lot to be thankful for...
I know Ruby is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, and I know I should stop this shit & kill the pity party for one & be happy with the things I've been blessed with in my life.
I know... I know.
I also know that it's not fun going to bed alone every night...
... or having to bury your best friend of 10 & 1/2 years.
Knowing that my mind is playing tricks on me when I'm trying to sleep & the house should be quiet but I hear the click' click' click' of nails on the hardwood floor & imagine that he's trotting his way on into our room to curl up on his bed & sleep... when really he's curled up with his teddy bear about 4 feet under a beautiful rose bush about 20 feet from where I'm breathing.
Alone.
I know it's retarded to still be sad about something I know was the right thing to do, but the truth is, I just am & probably always will be.
I suppose if I still had a roommate or were married it would be a little easier to deal with the sleeping aspect of it, and since I do NOT believe in 'co-sleeping' there's no option of getting Ruby to curl up in my bed with me here & there, just never gonna happen.
I hate doing my shots, I hate my MS, I hate that people who, years ago, I thought would be my friends for the long haul, dropped off the face of the planet & could give a rats ass about me now & have no desire to spend time with me OR my daughter.
It saddens me how years can change the status of things you once knew as sacred & unchangeable...
... and they're now trashed & forgotten.
It saddens me that people, for the most part, are fake.
One way to your face, another alltogether once backs are turned.
"Oh, she's so rude, she doesn't think before she speaks" etc...
I just speak my mind.
When you think before you speak, sure you may rearrange your thoughts so that they come out in such a way that everyone's happy, but then they're not you're true thoughts anymore...
...just a shadow of the original thoughts you first had,
now reshaped & molded into a form that makes everyone happy.
Everyone that is, except me.
Wanna know something folks? Sometimes, life isn't always happy... and you hear shit you didn't wanna hear, but that's life right?
Maybe some people are ok with being that way & that's fine if it works for them...
but I have NEVER been that person.
Nor do I want to be.
I can't live like that, I don't want to live like that, I won't live like that.
I do not now, nor have I ever had an internal censor.
I live my life in a real world where things don't always get sugarcoated & the one thing that people can ALWAYS count on with me is that I'll always give it to them straight.
Most of us have that friend we know we can go to & ask " do these pants make my ass look big?"
& they'll smile & always say "No way, are you nuts? you look great!"
Newsflash people... and this is from one curvy girl to the next...
You got 'back' & you come up asking if your jeans make your ass look fat?
I'll smile & say, "No, your ass was doing that way before the jeans ever entered the picture!"
and then I'll giggle, because it's funny but also because it's true.
Hell, my ass is fat too, who cares?
Who cares how my ass looks in my jeans or how my jeans look around my ass?
Am I comfortable? Am I happy? Do I have enough water to drink?
THEN IT'S ALL GOOD!
I think most people worry too much about the stupid shit that really shouldn't even be a blip on the radar most days.
You've got food on the table? Good.
You've got money & means to pay the bills? Good.
You've got family & friends who love you for you? Good.
Quit'cher bitchin!
It's funny, I've always prided myself on being a woman who is true to myself.
I speak my mind, I never back down from something I believe in,
I'm so strong willed & stubborn & voice the deepest desires of my heart.
I speak loud, I live big and I love deeply...
I've never been one to 'skirt around the "white elephant in the center of the room"
shit to please the masses.
I'd be the first person saying with my jaw falling to the floor shouting:
'HOLY SHIT, IS THAT A HUGE ASS WHITE ELEPHANT OR WHAT?"
loud enough for anyone within a ten mile radius to hear.
My personality is what it is.
And sometimes, most times, people don't like me.
Sure they think I'm cute, they think I'm funny, they know I'm good to have around
cuz I'm the comic relief, the life of the party...
But deep down, they find me crass & loud & obnoxious & rude.
And it's not because I mean to be that way, it's just who I am.
And I guess that saddens me a little bit too.
Some say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and maybe they're right...
... but you know what? I don't want to learn new tricks.
I don't have it in me to be anything but who I am.
I can't be fake
The only thing I've ever wanted is to be true to myself,
to the Amy who isn't afraid to speak her mind.
Ever.
The Amy who'se never smart enough to know when to shut up but at the end of the day
is proud that I never once wavered in my beliefs, my conversations, my convictions.
I don't lie to myself, therefore I was never a good liar to others either.
I know some have the gift of 'tact'...
Me?
Not. So. Much.
A friend and I were recently having a conversation about this exact topic & I said to her:
"You know, I just don't think before I speak..."
and she said to me,
"It's not that you don't think before you speak, you just speak exactly what you're thinking... there's something to be said for that."
Maybe she's right.
To anyone I've ever offended for any reason, I'm Sorry.
But I'll never be sorry for ever speaking my mind about something I truly believe in & felt with my heart & soul.
I think it's sadder to be untrue to myself for the sake of appeasing the masses,
than it is to inadvertently hurt other's feelings because of the strength of my convictions.
Because, let's be honest...
at the end of the day, it's only me, myself & I who I have to be happy with & proud of...
and every night, after I've tucked my daughter into bed and transferred a kiss gently from my lips to hers with the soft sweep of my finger, I know in my heart that I'm doing right by her.
I'm teaching her honesty & truth & self respect and diginity and morals.
I'm teaching her through example,
that it's so important to never lose yourself to the mass chaos that is life.
If Ruby grows up to be half as outspoken & honest & strong willed & loving as I am,
I'll know I've done right by & for her.
Nobody's ever taken advantage of me when it's really mattered
& I'll be damned if it will ever happen to my daughter.
I'll raise her smarter than the average girl... God willing.
On that note, I'm gonna go do my shot & slip into an exhaustion induced coma.
G'night.
When you don't know why, but you kinda do know why?
Things don't make sense, yet you know exactly why your eyes are filled with tears
and your lip is quivering so fast & you can't stop it?
Welcome to my thursday night...
I know I have a lot to be thankful for...
I know Ruby is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, and I know I should stop this shit & kill the pity party for one & be happy with the things I've been blessed with in my life.
I know... I know.
I also know that it's not fun going to bed alone every night...
... or having to bury your best friend of 10 & 1/2 years.
Knowing that my mind is playing tricks on me when I'm trying to sleep & the house should be quiet but I hear the click' click' click' of nails on the hardwood floor & imagine that he's trotting his way on into our room to curl up on his bed & sleep... when really he's curled up with his teddy bear about 4 feet under a beautiful rose bush about 20 feet from where I'm breathing.
Alone.
I know it's retarded to still be sad about something I know was the right thing to do, but the truth is, I just am & probably always will be.
I suppose if I still had a roommate or were married it would be a little easier to deal with the sleeping aspect of it, and since I do NOT believe in 'co-sleeping' there's no option of getting Ruby to curl up in my bed with me here & there, just never gonna happen.
I hate doing my shots, I hate my MS, I hate that people who, years ago, I thought would be my friends for the long haul, dropped off the face of the planet & could give a rats ass about me now & have no desire to spend time with me OR my daughter.
It saddens me how years can change the status of things you once knew as sacred & unchangeable...
... and they're now trashed & forgotten.
It saddens me that people, for the most part, are fake.
One way to your face, another alltogether once backs are turned.
"Oh, she's so rude, she doesn't think before she speaks" etc...
I just speak my mind.
When you think before you speak, sure you may rearrange your thoughts so that they come out in such a way that everyone's happy, but then they're not you're true thoughts anymore...
...just a shadow of the original thoughts you first had,
now reshaped & molded into a form that makes everyone happy.
Everyone that is, except me.
Wanna know something folks? Sometimes, life isn't always happy... and you hear shit you didn't wanna hear, but that's life right?
Maybe some people are ok with being that way & that's fine if it works for them...
but I have NEVER been that person.
Nor do I want to be.
I can't live like that, I don't want to live like that, I won't live like that.
I do not now, nor have I ever had an internal censor.
I live my life in a real world where things don't always get sugarcoated & the one thing that people can ALWAYS count on with me is that I'll always give it to them straight.
Most of us have that friend we know we can go to & ask " do these pants make my ass look big?"
& they'll smile & always say "No way, are you nuts? you look great!"
Newsflash people... and this is from one curvy girl to the next...
You got 'back' & you come up asking if your jeans make your ass look fat?
I'll smile & say, "No, your ass was doing that way before the jeans ever entered the picture!"
and then I'll giggle, because it's funny but also because it's true.
Hell, my ass is fat too, who cares?
Who cares how my ass looks in my jeans or how my jeans look around my ass?
Am I comfortable? Am I happy? Do I have enough water to drink?
THEN IT'S ALL GOOD!
I think most people worry too much about the stupid shit that really shouldn't even be a blip on the radar most days.
You've got food on the table? Good.
You've got money & means to pay the bills? Good.
You've got family & friends who love you for you? Good.
Quit'cher bitchin!
It's funny, I've always prided myself on being a woman who is true to myself.
I speak my mind, I never back down from something I believe in,
I'm so strong willed & stubborn & voice the deepest desires of my heart.
I speak loud, I live big and I love deeply...
I've never been one to 'skirt around the "white elephant in the center of the room"
shit to please the masses.
I'd be the first person saying with my jaw falling to the floor shouting:
'HOLY SHIT, IS THAT A HUGE ASS WHITE ELEPHANT OR WHAT?"
loud enough for anyone within a ten mile radius to hear.
My personality is what it is.
And sometimes, most times, people don't like me.
Sure they think I'm cute, they think I'm funny, they know I'm good to have around
cuz I'm the comic relief, the life of the party...
But deep down, they find me crass & loud & obnoxious & rude.
And it's not because I mean to be that way, it's just who I am.
And I guess that saddens me a little bit too.
Some say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and maybe they're right...
... but you know what? I don't want to learn new tricks.
I don't have it in me to be anything but who I am.
I can't be fake
The only thing I've ever wanted is to be true to myself,
to the Amy who isn't afraid to speak her mind.
Ever.
The Amy who'se never smart enough to know when to shut up but at the end of the day
is proud that I never once wavered in my beliefs, my conversations, my convictions.
I don't lie to myself, therefore I was never a good liar to others either.
I know some have the gift of 'tact'...
Me?
Not. So. Much.
A friend and I were recently having a conversation about this exact topic & I said to her:
"You know, I just don't think before I speak..."
and she said to me,
"It's not that you don't think before you speak, you just speak exactly what you're thinking... there's something to be said for that."
Maybe she's right.
To anyone I've ever offended for any reason, I'm Sorry.
But I'll never be sorry for ever speaking my mind about something I truly believe in & felt with my heart & soul.
I think it's sadder to be untrue to myself for the sake of appeasing the masses,
than it is to inadvertently hurt other's feelings because of the strength of my convictions.
Because, let's be honest...
at the end of the day, it's only me, myself & I who I have to be happy with & proud of...
and every night, after I've tucked my daughter into bed and transferred a kiss gently from my lips to hers with the soft sweep of my finger, I know in my heart that I'm doing right by her.
I'm teaching her honesty & truth & self respect and diginity and morals.
I'm teaching her through example,
that it's so important to never lose yourself to the mass chaos that is life.
If Ruby grows up to be half as outspoken & honest & strong willed & loving as I am,
I'll know I've done right by & for her.
Nobody's ever taken advantage of me when it's really mattered
& I'll be damned if it will ever happen to my daughter.
I'll raise her smarter than the average girl... God willing.
On that note, I'm gonna go do my shot & slip into an exhaustion induced coma.
G'night.
11 comments:
Yes, you have a beautiful daughter and you're very lucky. But you're absolutely entitled to be sad sometimes. If you weren't, you wouldn't be human. You'd be a Stepford mom. Hang in there!
From one "tell it like it is" mama, to another, BIG HUGS!!!!
As one blunt speaker to another, I hear ya. People may think, "What an ass...." when the "truth" comes tumbling out of your mouth. But, they'll also think of you when they need an HONEST opinion, not an implied compliment.
By the way, your blog looks "PHAT".
har-har.
OK - first of all the word verification to send this comment was "yfuuk" . And I say ynot?
Thought you might get a kick out of that!
I completely understand your sadness. I tear up so often at home, in the car, at work - whenever a random thought about Hopper enters my mind. And they enter my mind often.
It's OK to be sad. You're just so lucky to have Ruby to remind you to be happy - she needs you to be happy (most of the time).
Hang in there.
Amy,
I'm a fellow adoptive Mom of Sarah (18 1/2 mos. old. from Jiangxi Province, China) I've been lurking your blog for a while now. This one moved me to mention that God created you with your personality and He loves you the way you are, you shouldn't have to apologize for that. If people don't understand that, it's on them.
I appreciate your straight forwardness...for me, I wish that I could do the same sometimes. I have a tendency to be very diplomatic in the desire to avoid confrontation. Anyway, I think you're awesome and you're doing wonderfully with Ruby, she's gorgeous.
God bless,
Robin Archer
Thank you everyone for all your incredible comments regarding this recent post of mine.
They are more appreciated than you'll ever know.
Islay, email me privately if you can, ok hon?
mom4ruby@yahoo.com
Love to all,
-Amy
(& one slowly drifting off to sleep, Miss Ruby Cate...)
Sorry you're feeling down. We all feel that way at times & it's OK - we're all human.
I like honest & straight forward. I don't have time to read between lines or interpret what people say - just tell it like it is people. Doesn't mean to say anything hurtful or offensive, but if straight forward honesty stings a little, well sometimes life is hard (wear a helmet).
Hope a good night's rest served you well.
Tammy
Chin up sweetie, we all have those days/nights. I'm so glad I watched the Ruby video before I read this post because I know with that giggly girl in your life everything will be okay.
I know you miss your buddy because I have been there. I promise it will get better.
I think the world needs the kind of daughter you are raising Ruby to be.
It may be too late for us to make the world a better place, but if we raise our children to speak their mind and respect honesty, the world can't help but be better for it.
Tonda
LID 3-24-06
I LOVE the woman that forces everyone to see the elephant in the room!! You are going to teach Ruby so many great things!!
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