Change Of Plans...

...blog goes private as of RIGHT NOW!

I am tired of 'waiting' to blog especially when I'm losing my ever loving MIND & needing to VENT and this is my one outlet, so fuck it, private as of YESTERDAY if I can manage it right?

So, where were we? Now that I know my audience & know that certain people won't be peeking in to judge the fuck out of me, all bets are off & welcome to the new R.I.H.O.T. ...
It's bound to be one hell of a ride!

Ok so here's the status on my life currently... my job is nonexistent when the bitch whose kids I was watching thought it would be ok to just call me on a Sunday night at 7pm to tell me that she was putting her kids 'elsewhere' where it was cheaper.
CHEAPER?
Yet, this woman maintains a nice new car, a HORSE she boards at a local stable AND is addicted to ebay & buys such items as 'hand crafted horses' (aka: UGLY FUCKING DUST COLLECTORS) etc.

Ok, you wanna cut corners, go for it but keep in mind that karma is a funny thing... someday when your son is in Juve & your daughter comes home knocked up at 12, remember back to the days when you had options of what to cut corners on in life & that you chose to put them in a daycare that only charged you 80 bucks a kid a week.

You know the old saying,
"You get what you pay for?"

Man, the part of this that pisses me off the most is that I gave this woman SERIOUS BREAKS when it came to how I normally run things. After 16 years of doing this, I can command a higher per hour pay, for her, I didn't insist on that.
With all my years of doing my job & doing it WELL, I can expect a certain amount of respect from those whose kids I'm HELPING TO RAISE!
With her, I never got that.

HIRED FUCKING HELP is all I am ever looked at & that is what burns my hide!

You know, believe it or not it's A TOUGH JOB raising a child, IT'S EVEN TOUGHER WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO RAISE SOMEONE ELSE'S!

So, fuck her, & her 'Merry Christmas' gift to me at the last goddamn second.
I want all of you to sit for a minute & think how you'd feel & how your life would suddenly change if you got that same 7pm Sunday night call like I did regarding your job?

Nothing Merry about Christmas this year, at least from a monetary standpoint.

As far as my daughter is concerned, every day I realize that I am BEYOND BLESSED to call myself her mother.
Every day I know in my heart that God is looking out for us & I hold out hope that he is also aware of my employment situation & the fact that as I type this, my parents are out grocery shopping & I, well I am not joining them as I normally do because there isn't money to spare this week. Now don't get me wrong, I HAVE FOOD IN THE HOUSE, I typically tend to buy like it's the end of the world & ALWAYS have an OVERSTOCKED pantry, HOWEVER, it's just a natural chain of events that happens every weekend & this weekend, it's happening without me because some anorexic blond bitch thought it would be a wonderful idea to leave the woman who has cared for her kids since may, loved her kids since may, changed her kids shitty diapers TIMES TWO since may, bent over BACKWARDS FOR HER SINCE MAY, to give her the wonderful Christmas Surprise of UNEMPLOYMENT!

Ok, now that I've spewed, I feel slightly better but feeling better does not put food on my table nor does it pay my god damned bills.

Oh, dear lord of KARMA, see to it that things come full circle, I ask this in your name...

A-FUCKING'MEN!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog...

Losing my mind...

...one post at a time!

So, I've been blogging this whole time, just merely saving everything as 'drafts' until such time as we're officially private & only the following 'few' will be privy to my thoughts & such.

It's insane because writing for me is a part of my everyday life, so to NOT blog...?
...until I go private? Is!
FUCKING!
KILLING!
ME!

*yes people, I just swore... GET OVER IT!*

So, I'm breaking the rules just a little bit, just tonight, just this once...
(after all, they're my rules, I'm allowed to bend/break them, right?)
~myblog,myrules~

THAT SAID, I am seriously considering becoming a nun.
Oh, you heard that right... only, not so much a NUN but more like a
NONE!
As in, NONE OF THIS & NONE OF THAT!
(you hear me Matty?)

Seriously, when did being the 'understanding sweet 'friend' EVER get anyone anywhere?

It didn't.

That's exactly why I'm pissy tonight.

The day started out enjoyable enough...

...breakfast with my daughter & my mom, good stuff.
Then a shower for me & a bath for miss Rubes...

...teeth brushed & dressed & out the door to the park to visit Ruby's beloved;

"GEEN SWIDE! GEEN SWIDE!"

So we head to the park, Ruby sees the slides & GOES APESHIT!
*no lie*

Starts immediately chanting;
"GEEN SWIDE MOMMA! GEEN SWIDE! GEEN SWIDE!"

I smile & say, "Yes baby, there are the slides but they're blue & yellow, not green honey."
(her first slide ever visited was green, thus the constant reminder of 'GEEN SWIDE')
I digress...

So, up & on the slide she goes, Bear in tow... and SWOOOSH, down goes Bear
(while Ruby is maniacally laughing as she chucks him head first,
yes, I know it's harsh, but SO the truth- tough love perhpas? who knows...)

All the while she hasn't stopped chanting;

"GEEN SWIDE! GEEN SWIDE!"
My mind snapped;
"Ruby, sweetie, this slide is BLUE, and that one is YELLOW, ok baby? There's no GREEN slide here today luvie'bug... that slide is at home in our park. We're at the other park, remember?"

(It's funny, you know for an experienced Nanny you'd think that I'd KNOW BETTER THAN TO TRY TO REASON WITH A TWO YEAR OLD! OY VEY!)

Again, more digressing...

So, she says; "NO MOMMA! GEEN SWIDE GEEN SWIDE!"

I hold her hand & look into her beautiful almond shaped eyes that are just the color of charcoal, & say; "Baby, what color is this?"
(pointing to the blue slide)
"Balooo Momma!"
"Good Girl Ruby!" I say, and then pointing to the other (yellow) slide, ask again;
"And what color is THIS slide Ruby?"
"Lellow Momma, Lellow Swide"
"GOOD GIRL SWEETIE! THAT'S RIGHT, BLUE AND YELLOW! Now, what slide would you like to go down now baby?"

3.......








2.............










1...............






*GEEN SWIDE! GEEN SWIDE! GEEN SWIDE! GEEN SWIDE!*

*sigh, can't say I didn't try*

So, after that enjoyable time at the park, we come home.
Lunch for us both, quality bonding Momma & Ruby time complete with COLORS FLASH CARDS WITH MUCH EMPHASIS ON 'GREEN, BLUE & YELLOW',
& then a nappy for Miss Cheeks & some rest for Momma.

Only, I didn't rest, my mind raced, WHY?
Cuz it's hard to rest when your sweater smells like your Matty.
Like he's here next to me, wrapped around me in the most fantastic embrace, like a lot of things I would enjoy experiencing rather than merely picturing in my mind's eye...
...only I can't.

I can't, why you ask?
Because he's not here, he's at work & I'm home alone with only his scent to keep me wound up until the next time I see him again.
Lame, I know but man oh man there is just something about a mans cologne.
And Matty, well he doesn't smell good because of the cologne, but the cologne smells good because of HIM!
(make sense?)

So tonight he was supposed to come over to watch 'Firewall' with me...
(excellent movie btw, rent it if you haven't & don't order a pizza, trust me)

So he was all psyched, but as always, psyched does not a 'date' make...

...phone rings:

"Aim, hey ya, it's Matty, listen, change of plans..."

(hmmm, where have I heard this familiar tune before? Wait... lemme go check my cd's, cuz I KNOW I know this one...)

Long & short of it is, his friend Jack called him, needed his help SPECIFICALLY for whatever it was he was jonesin' about, and off he went like the good 'friend' he is.

But here's what I wanna know, where is it written that he can only be a 'good friend' to Jack?
How about his FRIEND AMY he made PLANS with to watch a flippin' MOVIE with tonight?
What about her? Isn't she your friend?
Doesn't she deserve the same respect that Jack gets?

Apparently NOT.

So tonight, even though this isn't much of a post at all, it's my way of spewing my shit prior to drifting off into an annoyance induced coma with a side of aleve for shits & giggles.

I know one thing, my new friend Tori has a couple photos of me, of how I looked tonight, most specifically of how I dolled myself up for mister Matty 'no-show' who never did see what he was missing, sadly.

(see what he was missing?)

So, Tori's hubby is a cop and apparently he's got several single friends who are also cops,
so it can't hurt to just share my smile via email, can it?

So, here's to me having lost my damn mind & here's to the possibility of a beautiful cop to help me find it & put it back where it belongs someday...

...stranger things HAVE happened, I know.

Oh, and Tori, for the record, I was only joking when I said I had my own set of cuffs...
*cough cough*

Uh, that would be aunt Di or aunt Jen. *evilgrin*
NOT POOR INNOCENT OLD MOI!
*laughing*

c'mon, did you think I could end a post WITHOUT making MYSELF laugh?
hardly!
LMFAO


(thanks Tori for the chat earlier, hope your chinese food was delish!)

-Me.

An open letter to our faithful readers...

I'd like to thank everyone who has contacted me thus far with their stories & reasons why they'd like to continue to follow our journey, they were wonderful to read & warmed my heart.

Ruby and I are happy to allow you ALL to continue to peek into the daily goings on of our lives.
She's a cute, happy, silly little girl that makes everyone who knows her smile.
How can I not share that with people who have been faithful to my ridiculous ramblings that I originally dubbed 'Ruby In Her Own Time...' after a book I read that helped me through everything that IS 'International Adoption'.

Who knew that over a year & half after starting what really only began as a personal journal of sorts for myself to document my feelings & frustrations, that this thing, this 'BLOG' would blow up into what it has now become, a larger than life family with people faithful to it that I wouldn't trade for the world.

Ruby & I are honored to be bringing you all with us on this next phase of our life together & would just like to say, a very heartfelt;

"THANK YOU!"

May you all have a wonderful holiday season & a smashing new year!

(fear not, I have been blogging still, and you WILL be able to see ALL of that
including some really hysterical photos, but I'm just saving them all as 'drafts'
until after the new year & the new private blog.)

Until then... see you all on the FLIP SIDE!


PS. To those of you who have yet to let me know your info,
you have but a few days left until the blog goes private. (Jan 1st, midnight)

Happy Merry Jolly to everyone... & to all a good night!

Privacy Please... **note to all 'gwenblog' readers (scroll down)

...yes, it's true, I'm moving to a private blog
allowing me to be a little more conservative about who has access.

With the new blogger beta, I have that option &
after the email I just received, it's done.

So, here's the deal... I need emails from people telling me who you are, & how I know you and your email addy so I can add you to my list of 'allowed' viewers.

It shouldn't be that much of a pain in the ass as I'm pretty sure you only need A. a Google account (they're free to get & most of you have them all ready I'm assuming) and B. a one time log in & as long as you don't log out of Google, you're free to view the blog anytime you choose.
Now, that is how I've come to understand it, but remember I've not done this before so it'll be a bit touch & go at first, so everyone please bear with me till it's a done deal.

I know it kinda sucks, but it is what it is & it's my daughter
& it's my choice to do what I need to do to protect her & me,
so going private it is.

So, as of Jan 1st, exactly at midnight, the new private blog will be in effect.
Upon going into effect, everyone who is allowed access will receive an email from me with directions on how to go about signing in. They seemed pretty cut & dry (I tested it out with my other blog, dictionary schmictionary, and it was fairly easy to do...)
so I'm sure this will go smoothly as planned.

My email link is right here on the blog so just click it, & tell me who are you, where do you live & provide a valid email addy & consider yourself privy to the funny antics of R.I.H.O.T. After all, if you all are looking in on my life, then it goes without saying that I should be allowed a little glimpse of yours.


-Amy

PS. Please do not leave your email info as a comment
as that is not what is going to help me.

Thanks a bunch!


**If you are currently allowed access to Gwenblog,
than consider yourself also allowed access to R.I.H.O.T.
(however you will still need to inform me of your email info
& just mention that you're one of Karen's regular readers...)
She is one of my best friends & I trust her judgement implicitly.
Thanks.

Irony with a capital...

...FUNNY!

So, Ruby was dancing around the living room tonight in her 'oh so cute' way, listening to music from Noggin, and as she's swirling & twirling, I notice something slightly SHINY & BRIGHT shooting beams from her hair.
Hmmm, what the hell is that?
Ruby, baby, come here & see Momma so I can see what's goin' on with your head girl...
"Momma, wha'issit?"
C'mere baby, let me see... come close so I can check out your hair...

Ruby comes closer all the while whispering to me,
"wha'issit Momma? wha'issit? shhh (now whispering) wha'issit?"

Me (also whispering, although I don't quite know why...)
'I dunno baby, let's see...'

So she gets close to me & I look & there's a sticker
just kinda 'hanging out' in her hair, as happy as can be.

'Hmmm, It's a sticker Ruby...'
She looks at me with a smile & says with wide eyes;
"A STICKER?!!!! OOOH MOMMA A STICKER!!!"

It's teenie & I haven't a clue where it came from or what it is, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let it stay in her hair all 'welfare' style, SO, out comes the sticker..."

Upon getting a closer look at it, Ruby asks me once more;
"wha'issit Momma?"

I DIE LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS is what it was:

(scroll down)

























You can SEE why THIS PARTICULAR STICKER had me in STITCHES!
How very apropos. LMFAO

I suppose after the day we had yesterday, a good laugh is exactly what the doctor ordered!

*grin*

Loss...

...as seen through the eyes of my daughter.

I'm sure by now you all have noticed that the photos that were previously up of Ruby with her foster mother, are no longer there. There is a reason for that...

...my daughter looked at them, and at first, not much of a reaction to speak of.
So I thought, ok, she's fine... moving on.

Not.
So.
Much.

My daughter who, if you ask anyone who knows her will tell you, is about the most chill, relaxed, laid back little girl on the planet; turned into a crazed sad heartbroken little person who clung with intense fervor to my body & refused to let go as tear after tear came spilling out of her little eyes & rolled down those glorious cheeks.

She remembers.
She knows.
She's suffering.
She's scared that it will happen again, perhaps.

All I know is that nothing, and I mean NOTHING I did, could console this child.
Not.
Even.
Bear.

*tears*

Finally, I gave her one of her favorite things on the planet, a plain wafer cone, and curled up with her in my bed & let her just cry it out.
Maybe mourning the loss of someone isn't about making it all better...

...maybe it's about hearing someone say,
" it's ok to let it out..."

So, my daughter & I, both had ourselves a very long,
very intense cry as we held on tight to one another and I whispered in her ear;
"I love you SO MUCH baby! I promise I will never abandon you, ever."

Now, we're going to take that promise one day at a time & hope that circumstances beyond my control don't make me break the one promise in the world I want so desperately to keep for many many MANY years to come.

Please keep my little girl in your prayers today, as she is truly suffering from a loss so great that I can't even begin to try & explain it with words.
I just know I love her & want to help her through her grieving... any way I can.

-Amy

Somebody pinch me...

...cuz I just had an hour long conversation with Ruby's foster mother by way of my friend in Shanghai and OMG, I have information that I thought I'd NEVER have!
I know things now that I have ALWAYS wondered about!
When Ruby gets older & asks me things, now rather than a response of, "I'm sorry sweetie, I just don't know..." I will have ANSWERS FOR HER! VALID REAL ANSWERS PROVIDED TO ME BY THE SECOND WOMAN TO LOVE HER BEFORE ME!
(the first being her birth mother, who we are forever grateful for)

I am numb, I am proud, I am happy, I am shaking, I have been crying, I got so many answers tonight to things I was desperate to know but seemingly forced myself to 'shelf' temporarily because I just thought the odds of ever finding the answers were obscenely rare.

Little did I know that I'd be getting the worlds most MONUMENAL CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER!
A Christmas Miracle, for a little girl who touched so many hearts not only in China,
but right here in the USA as well.

It's amazing the things that can happen, and I am humbled by it all.

I don't know what else to say, there will no doubt be more conversations to come as well as, I've been informed, photos of my girl just days old.
DAYS OLD!<@#$#$%% I need to go lay down, I am feeling lightheaded and can't even begin to process all this, I know that I am blessed beyond all measurement, and feel so so SO lucky tonight, to call myself Momma to that little girl sleeping soundly in the next room. Thank You God, your gift was exactly what I wanted this Christmas... exactly.

Decorating Nanna's Christmas Tree...

...one

ornament

at a time.

DELICIOUS @ DOWN UNDA.Lee-Anne.com etc...

...can I just say,
that these twisted little guys are
a small slice of tomato & basil HEAVEN!

Lee-Anne, my friend...
YOU ROCK!

Thank you again so much for sharing your yummy treats with this
bean town Momma! Next I'll have to send you some of our sinfully addictive
Snyder's pretzel nibblers in honey mustard & onion!
GOOD GOOD GOOD OMG SCHTUFF!

Behold, the 'BOX-O-GOODIES' that our dear friend Lee-Anne sent Ruby & Me:


As if those yummy pretzels weren't enough (because they hit the SPOT for sure!),
there's also an adorable little Koala fuzzy friend that Ruby has already kissed & introduced to her beloved Bear. A really kewl hot pink ruler for when my little monkey heads off to school!
(perish the thought, I'm going to keep her home with me forever!)
~...shh let me live in my fantasy world~
There was a sweet letter personally written by Lee-Anne herself & an adorable Christmas card (that once I'm done this post is going right up on our door with all the others!),
a precious children's book about 'Koala's Big Day'...


...and my favorite little piece of Australia to date: the Red Thread saying COMPLETE with actual red thread!
This one's going into Ruby's Life Journal!

THANK YOU THANK YOU A THOUSAND TIMES, THANK YOU!!!!!!
*hugs*
From our home to yours!

-Amy & Ruby Cate
( & Bear & Koala too!)

Numbness plus euphoria...

...that's how I feel right now.

I just finished chatting with my good friend in Shanghai & she managed to call Ruby's foster mother today & the following is what I've learned so far:

Ning: i just call ruby's foster mother
Ning: she said she miss her very much
Ning: and she want to know if ruby is well
Ning: i told her u treat ruby very well and love her very much
Ning: she is very happy
Ning: and she said she have earlier picture of ruby and will send to me
Ning: she dont knwo how to write so i will call her tonight and told to her husband and give them my address
Ning: so that i can get those picture u want
Ning: and i give them my mobilephone
Ning: my mobliephone is *********** u can call me anytime

OH
MY
GOD!

Can I just say this...


...it's very clear to me that the odds of Ruby's foster mother finding us were like trying to ask a blind person to search & locate a needle in a haystack the size of the moon.

God's hand is all over this & I just honestly was privy to witnessing a miracle unfold before my very teary eyes...

...prayers don't always go unanswered, sometimes, just sometimes, they are heard & the response is LOUD & CLEAR!

Other than this I have no words...
Ning is going to call the foster mother again later on today (she was having lunch just now when I spoke with her, as it's quarter till noon in China) and I gave her a few questions to ask the foster mother on my behalf & she said she'll find out all the answers & email me the details so that I should look forward to a wonderful info packed email come morning.

Am I dreaming? Please, someone come over & PINCH ME!

*THUD*
(just fainted)
*OUCH*
(think I just landed on a needle...)

Oh Happy Day...

...time to CELEBRATE!
(in a pink dress from Aunt Corn!)


My foster mother is LOOKING FOR ME!

She wrote that she MISSES ME!


Momma says that it means , without a DOUBT that I was truly LOVED!


And that's a GOOD THING!

I can't wait to start sharing LETTERS WITH HER!
Momma's been crying, I don't know why she's crying,
I keep telling her this is GOOD NEWS!

Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

OMG...

...TALK ABOUT AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT!

(a letter as recently posted in my Fuzhou Linchuan Kids yahoo group:)

Hi Everyone,

We just received a letter from our daughter's foster mother last
week. In the letter she asked about a child named Fu Pei Mu who was
adopted on Nov. 20, 2005. If you are Fu Pei Mu's parent's and want to
contact her foster mother, please contact me at the following address:
(insert address here)

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
RUBY'S FOSTER MOTHER IS LOOKING FOR HER!
I AM NUMB!
I'VE BEEN CRYING!
I AM BLESSED BEYOND WORDS!
I NOW HAVE A CONNECTION TO THE MISSING PIECE OF RUBY'S FIRST 14 MONTHS OF HER LIFE WITHOUT ME!
GOD!
IS!
GOOD!

*tearysmile*

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Missing my boy...

...there are nights, like tonight, that Ebenezer's absence is felt more so than others.
Not to at all imply that some days I don't miss him, make no mistake,
EVERY DAY since I had to say goodbye to my beloved friend I miss him, more than I have
words to elaborate on the subject.
But some nights... like tonight, it is painfully obvious that if he were here, my life would be
that much better because of his love & thoughtfulness for his Momma.

Living with MS is no picnic but it's certainly not a death sentence either.
I've come to terms with it & it's ok, I can do this... no sweat.
Only, some nights, always 'shot nights', I have moments where, if I don't get myself to sleep fast enough after a shot,
I run the risk of suffering the ugly side effects of the drug I take & will continue to take until I either my disease takes a turn for the worse, or I pass away.
Now, no freaking out as I intend to be around for a very long time to annoy my parents & some if not MOST of my readers. *grin*

That said, this drug is part of my life, it's become as routine to me as brushing my teeth, taking a shower, going to the bathroom, eating a meal, etc...

It is what it is & it's ok...
only, tonight, I didn't get my ass to bed in enough time.
They start with a sudden shiver, then a full blown 'frozen fest' where I literally feel
like I'm packed in ICE and my teeth are chattering so fiercely
that I'm afraid I'm going to knock a filling out at warp speed!

When my beloved Ebenezer was still with me, and this would happen, he'd INSTINCTIVELY KNOW that his Momma needed him.
I never had to say a word...

...he'd hop his little fuzzy self up onto my bed, curl his toosh all snug next to mine in the crook of my knees as I slept in the fetal position praying for sleep or warmth, whichever came first-
He'd do this without fail, he'd do this without prompting, he'd do this without complaining.
He was and will always be, my best friend & fuzzy soul mate.

Man what I wouldn't give to have him back tonight to keep me warm, as literally as I'm typing this, I just got out of a SCALDING HOT SHOWER to try & counter act the effects of my drug.
And when I say to you that it was scalding, I'm not kidding.
Under normal circumstances I'd NEVER take a shower that hot!
Ever run the water at the sink on hot & not pay attention to 'how hot' you have it & put your hand under it only to JUMP A MILE the second the stream of water touches so much as your fingertip?
Ok, take that heat & crank it up several more notches & that's the shower I take.
It helps, but it's no fuzzy dog bottom, that's for sure.

And sadly, my heating pad (which is typically under my bed since Ebby can't be ON it with me) is currently downstairs for my Mother to help her heal since her recent fall down my front hall stairs. I'm sans'heater tonight.

The shower helps but again, it wears off & I'll be back in my bed, curled up in an ice ball shaking & shivering with just a few tears in my eyes as I wish with all my heart that my friend was there to help.
He always managed to make things easier...
...how I'm lost without him sometimes.
*tears*

Ebby, I miss you more than anything in the world buddy, I wish with all my heart that you could come to me tonight in my dreams, if only for a quick hug & a smooch on your head.
You are missed my friend, missed like the tree misses the sun in winter.
But you're always alive in my heart, thank God for memories.

~g'night~

I can't believe I'm typing this...

...Grandad'ism's

The long & short of it is, my Grandad (Mother's Father, aka: Raymond Lewis)
was a character if nothing else. He was funny, witty, sweet, loving & FORGETFUL!
*sad how that apple doesn't fall too far from the tree ain't it?*

He's long since passed and although we miss him dearly, not a day goes by (and I'm not kidding, SERIOUSLY NOT ONE DAY GOES BY, that my family members aren't TALKING about him!)

Allow me to elaborate...


Years ago, when my mother (Betty) was younger & Ruby's Nanna T (Allegra) was younger (they are sisters) they were in their bedroom listening to some music. It was a song entitled: Best of both worlds. (don't ask by who, I'm not ancient... ask them *ducking*) My Grandad entered the room & asked " what kind of noise is this?!"
To which they replied: "Dad, it's a song called 'Best of both worlds' by (insert ancient band here)"
He then said " BASKETBALL ROLLS ROYCE? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME FOR A SONG IS THAT?!"

And so it began... the 'GRANDAD'ISM' moment, kinda like a senior moment, only different & subsequently funnier!

Now, MOST ALL OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS HAVE A 'GRANDAD'ISM' MOMENT, thus A STORY TO SHARE! Most of them are not too keen on sharing, unfortunately for them (& fortunately for YOU ALL) I LOVE TO SHARE!

So, without further ado'... the Grandad'ism's:

Mine: While on the phone one day with my friend Krista (friends since grade school) she was mentioning to me what she had purchased her husband for Christmas that year. (was a few years back now...) The following is roughly that conversation:

Krista: "Amy, you're never going to believe what I got Dan for Christmas this year, he's gonna LOVE IT!"
Me: "Kewl, what'cha get him? (a lap dance? hehehe JK)
Krista: "A Sex Phone!"
Me: (silence) -hardly ever happens but this time, oh yeah, it happened.
Krista: "Amy, did you hear me? I am psyched, I got him a SEX PHONE! Do you know how long he's wanted one! They're soo expensive and I saved up & he's gonna be SO SURPRISED!"
Me: (still silent) - here is where I should probably mention that this particular friend was my 'good' friend; ie: goes to church every Sunday, devout catholic, hardly ever swears, etc... you might be asking yourself how she can possibly be friends with me, yet that will have to be a post for another day... back to my silence-
Krista: "AMY, ARE YOU THERE?"
Me: "Yes, I'm here Krista, what did you say you got him again?"
Krista: " A SEX PHONE! He used to have one in high school!"
Me: (mind racing, what the HELL is a sex phone? And where on God's green earth does one PURCHASE SAID ITEM? Christ, and WHAT THE HELL DOES IT DO?! Does it have prerecorded naughty messages? Does it call him in the morning with a dirty wake up call, WTF?!) "Ah, Krista, he had one in high school? ok, I'm lost... I don't get it, why would you buy your husband a SEX PHONE?!"
Krista: "OMG AMY! NOT A SEX PHONE! A SAXOPHONE, A SAXOPHONE! OMG WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT THE HELL IS A SEX PHONE ANYWAYS?!"
ME: "I WAS JUST ABOUT TO ASK YOU THE SAME THING, GOES TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY WOMAN!"
We both had a good laugh over it & I've NEVER been able to make ONE SINGLE PERSON IN MY FAMILY FORGET THIS STORY, it'll probably be engraved on my damn epitaph some day....

Here lies Amy & her sex phone.
May she talk in peace... etc blah blah blah

THANKFULLY, I am NOT THE ONLY ONE (looks at cousin Steve!) with a GRANDAD'ISM...

if I may be so bold, the truth is Good ole' Steve has TWO under his belt!
(again with that apple/tree business, but I digress...)

Steve Grandad'ism #1: The Bob Stanley Channel
(as told to me by Steve himself...)

"I just happened to be talking to my mother one time and I wasn't really paying attention to the tv but in the background, they were talking about the 'fox family channel, it was a commercial for the fox family channel which is now the abc family channel... I thought that they said "THE BOB STANLEY CHANNEL" I thought it was like a baseball commercial type of thing. That's it..."
(wanting this interview to end, asap...)
"For those that don't know, Bob Stanley was a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox:

(Bob Stanley after bumping into him one day when I used to live in South Hamilton.
I was getting my Christmas Tree at Canaan Farms, good ole' Bobby let me take his pic.
*grin* CUZ YOU KNOW I TOLD HIM STEVE'S GRANDAD'ISM!
He said, and I quote: "There SHOULD BE A BOB STANLEY CHANNEL! I'D WATCH IT!"
hehehehe

Ok, and now on to Steve's Grandad'ism #2: The Telescope

"I was talking to Andy (my brother) on the phone & he told me he was on his way to NH to pick up a telescope, at least that's what I thought I heard him say.
He was actually going to pick up a 'pellet stove' for his basement.
I said, what the hell you doing picking up a telescope, you wanna look at stars or something or are you gonna spy on your neighbors?@@?$!~
He said "what the hell are YOU talking about? I'm getting a PELLET STOVE!"
That's it... can I go home now? I gotta COOK!

*laughing* Yes Steve, you can go home now...

Ok, so Steve & I AREN'T the only members of my family to suffer the fate of the Grandad'ism, my Mother shares in our genes as well and her apple fell WAY FAR off the tree, probably in the neighbor's yard, but again, another story for another day.

Betty's Grandad'ism: Prostate (yes, I just typed prostate... go with it.)

My mother was at a family (it's always family, eventually one of us is going to purchase a 'short bus' & NOBODY will question!) party and it was for one of the CHILDREN no less... yes this gets better. It was a birthday party for one of the nieces or nephews, ( I can't keep track, MS memory don't'cha know...) and it was around this time of year, a few years back, but still 'Christmas time' nonetheless, and someone at the party had asked one of the kids what their favorite Christmas special was.
Their reply as heard by my mother: "Prostate"

She nearly fell over...
"PROSTATE?!@#$@!" was all that was said by her...
(in front of a room full of kids NO LESS!)

And someone QUICKLY said "NO, BETTY! FROSTY!!! FROSTY!!!!!

You see, when you people give me grief about a damn sex phone, old Bobby Stanley & his friend PROSTATE are gonna be around for GENERATIONS TO COME!

But wait, there's MORE...

My Aunt Allegra (Ruby's Nanna T.) has one as well... might I share with you all: Leather Toy.

So a few years back, my aunt & I were headed somewhere in my car & I had the radio cranked as usual. I was listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn (good schtuff) and one of the lines in the song is: Won't you be my lover boy...

My aunt (also a church goer & good "girl" pipes in, slightly annoyed "WON'T YOU BE MY LEATHER TOY? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A SONG IS THAT?!#$%#$"
I said "LEGRA, IT'S LOVER BOY, NOT LEATHER TOY! WHERE IS YOUR MIND AT?!"

I nearly drove off the road laughing my ass off! My aunt, Jesus' right hand woman, asking about a leather toy, only IN MY FAMILY! SERIOUSLY!


hehehehehe and yes, I constantly harass her on that as well. LOL

Now, please help me to realize that it MIGHT NOT JUST BE IN MY FAMILIES UNEVEN GENES... DO BE BRAVE & SHARE YOUR GRANDAD'ISM STORIES as I'm SURE if they're anything like mine, they'll be worth their weight in GOLD as far as reading material goes....

EVEN YOU LURKERS, ESPECIALLY YOU LURKERS, NOBODY HAS TO KNOW THE LOGISTICS OF IT ALL, BE STEALTHY BUT SHARE YOUR WEIRDNESS, you're safe here, it's a happy place... SHARE DAMN IT!

hehehe now I'm off to change my pants as I've laughed so hard typing that, I pissed myself.
Pretty picture isn't it? LOL

Tuesdays With Uncle Steve... *FINAL UPDATE*

...POT ROAST BABY!

Ingredients:

4 T butter
Beef Round Roast
(bottom of the round)
Mine's a 7 & 1/2 pound er & cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $18 bucks!
( cook 20 minutes PER POUND!)

1 can Campbell's french onion soup (plus 1 can water)
1 Spanish onion chopped
1 pkg portebella mushrooms cubed
2 cloves garlic minced
1 pkg baby carrots cut into little circles
Few shakes around pot of Gravy Master
Salt & Pepper to taste

Directions:


In large soup pot on medium high heat, add butter & let melt.


Rinse off the roast & have ready to toss into pot...

Add into pot & brown each side of roast...
(few minutes on each side)


Should look like this (above) once sealed on a side, do this to ALL SIDES.


Add Salt & freshly ground pepper



Then if you're smart, (like me)
you'll have all your veggies chopped & READY
so when it's time, you can just TOSS EVERYTHING INTO POT with Roast!
(you can't see them all but the chopped onions are on the very bottom, then the mushrooms, then the carrots & if you look close enough, you can see the little mountain of minced garlic at the very top... Mmmmm SO GOOD!)


After adding veggies add your can of soup plus one can of water.

Give a stir with a wooden spoon
& make sure all the veggies are either around the roast,
or towards the bottom of the pot.

Then reduce heat & cover pot.
Every half hour or so, turn the roast inside the pan & give the veggies a stir.

Now this monster is a bigg'un SO it's gonna take
roughly 2 & 1/2 hours to cook him.

Honestly, the longer & slower you cook a roast, the more tender he becomes...

...GOOD GRAVY THIS IS GONNA BE YUMMY!

(And oh yeah, speakin' of GRAVY, there WILL be more pics to follow
cuz once this guy is totally cooked, I'm going to turn those veggies into a
yummy, dark & delicious HOME MADE GRAVY to be served over
smashed potatoes! *drooling*)

Stay tuned...

Ok, it's about half way into my cooking time &
look at how BEAUTIFUL our friend here is turning out?!
It's about now when I shake in some Gravy Master for added flavor
as well as a deeper color later on when making the gravy!
Mmmm too bad blogs can't portray SMELL!
Smell-O-Blogging, what an IDEA!
You people would NEVER LEAVE THIS PLACE!
hehehehe
LOL

T-minus 15 minutes to dinner!

And what does miss Ruby have to say about all this?
"Momma, Rot Post!"

That's right, my daughter just referred to our dinner as 'ROT POST' hehehe
You know it baby, let's go eat some ROT POST!
*grin*
Oh and don't forget...
I WILL take & post a photo of a finished meal on a plate once done, I PROMISE!
After all, how often does one get to enjoy Rot Post with her daughter?
*smile*

Oh yeah, YOU KNOW THAT SHIT WAS GOOD!
My father made his Italian peas & pancetta, SO YUMMY!
(can't give you that recipe, cuz then I'd have to kill ya...)

And the TRUE test of my work?
Ruby cleaned her plate... so I guess that means she gives it:

"TWO SPOONS UP!"

Psst... the gravy was made by adding two packets of 'brown gravy mix' (sold in individual little pouches) and adding more gravy master & some Wondra flour until the desired consistency.
Bon Appetit'!

If Santa answered his mail honestly...

...letters might look a bit like the following:




Dear Santa
I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling.
You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a friggin' book
so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year,
and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy
in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you,
didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this,
but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy
to get back together.
Please see what you can do?
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter
like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up
to come back to your frigid mom
who rides his ass constantly?
It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike,
a Playstation,
a train,
some G.I. Joes,
a dog,
a drum kit,
a pony
and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
I bet you're gay,
I'll set you up
with a Barbie.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs
and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh.
You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa



Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China.
I have a condo in Miami,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly
and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa



Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping,
do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde?
Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year.
Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whinny begging shit may work with your folks,
but that crap doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house,
how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
first, stop calling yourself "Marky",
that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school.
Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a
low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like
the bogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

(hee hee, that was sent to me in an email from my friend Jen and I laughed SO HARD I nearly wet my pants! HAD to share it here & don't anyone bitch about "oh, it offended me", IT'S MEANT TO BE FUNNY, HAR HAR, GET IT?)
Laughter is good for the SOUL!

Ode' To A Cookie...

...Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
your sprinkles make my lips so green...




Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
We got you at the bakery...




You are so soft and tasty,
Your layers moist & flaky...




Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
My fingers are so green you see...




Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
I ate you cuz you're yummy...





Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
You are now in my tummy...




There are no more- you were the last,
I ate too much, I now have gas...




Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
Oh Christmas Tree (cookie)
The green that won't wash off of meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!



*thank you, thank you very much...
Green Ruby has left the blog!*

Two Kinds of Magic...

...courtesy of faux candlelight.

These are the 'candle window lights' I put in my windows every year since first moving out on my own. They're plastic, the color of butter & slightly cheezy with the fake wax drippings to boot.
But I love them.

Ruby, too, loves them & LOVES going around the house at night with me to turn each & every one on.
It's a little routine we've developed together & although we DID do it last year, I'm sure she doesn't remember all that much, but THIS YEAR, she's totally ON BOARD!

We hold hands, Bear at the ready, and off we go, one window at a time... each light, Momma turns the bulb just enough to ignite a 'flame' and each time, "*GASP* MOMMA! LIGHT! OOOOHHH!" as if she's never seen it happen before.
To her, it's magic...
...to me, she's magic.

Embarrassing With A Capital... *UPDATE* (see bottom)

...PERM!

Oy, this picture speaks for ITSELF...

Clearly common sense does NOT A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL MAKE!
(at least when it comes to HAIR)

Oh, and speaking of hair, c'mon ladies of the 80's... and I KNOW THERE ARE PLENTY OF YOU OUT THERE, WHAT was your GLUE OF CHOICE when it came to your DAILY DOO?
*don't deny it, if you've ever loved def leppard or gone to a Duran Duran concert, OR enjoyed that freakin' flock O seagulls or couple's skated to REO SPEED WAGON, THEN YOU HAD BIG HAIR, PERIOD END OF DISCUSSION!!! So SPILL IT!*

HEHEHEHEH

I tried to Google (images) my hairsprays past (ie: Stiff Stuff and Freeze It) but no such luck, sadly. I can still see them like it was yesterday... both in long yellow aerosol cans, both always ready to freeze the shit out of my lethal bangs, and both, for some odd reason, ALWAYS nearly empty, what WAS up with that anyway?
Unfortunately, I came up with NADA... so sad- but trust me, that stuff WORKED!

Quick, let's lament about 80'S HAIR & I'll run & get the 'BOSTON' & 'Steve Miller Band' cd's!
*grin*
hehehehehe

UPDATE: my dear friend JEN would like us all to refer to her previously posted PROM PICTURES of her & our friend Deidre, also juniors at the time said photos were taken.
Yes we all went to the same satanschool, yes we all hated it, yes we all used too much hair product... BUT the best thing? We're all STILL FRIENDS so many moons later, and that you just can't put a price on, well maybe Di could, but let's not & say we did, k Di? *grin*

LOVE YOU GIRLS!
hehehehe

P.S. (All's fair in love & prom pics)

Yep... it's blurry, but it's me.
*sigh*
Yes, to answer your question, that WAS INDEED a wedding dress I wore to prom.
(you may laugh now...)

"Aunt Corn"...

...so often times, Ruby is in my bedroom with me playing.
She's got her fair share of toys in here & that's ok with me.
I had just gotten out of a shower & was getting dressed and as I am pulling on my toasty cotton "fun pants" (as Ruby loves to call them), I notice her reaching for something under my bed.

Now, those of you who know me KNOW that that's probably not a good idea since you really NEVER know what's gonna be under there to take a bite out of you!
I say to her, "Ruby honey, get out from under Momma's bed, ok baby?"
She says to me, "Momma, Aunt Corn!"
*puzzled look* "Ah, sweetie, what did you say?"
Ruby smiles & says again, "Momma, Aunt Corn!"

Ok, now I know you don't have a vegetable for an aunt but I'm intrigued, so I'll bite...

"Sweetie, who's Aunt Corn?"

Ruby then holds up a Caruso Hair Roller high above her head & proudly exclaims,
"Aunt Corn! Aunt Corn!"

*smiling & a bit teary at this point* Awwwwww sweetie, you're right, that IS Aunt Karen's hair roller... she must've left it here from her visit baby.

Yes, my daughter who has no idea that her beautiful Aunt Corn who wore the rollers in her hair, is now her beautiful Aunt Corn, who wears soft toasty cashmere cable knit hats on her beautiful bald head.
Something tells me that once Ruby returns said red roller to her beloved Aunt Corn come Jan... that Aunt Corn just might save those rollers for another day.

I'm proud of my daughter for remembering her Aunt Corn (her way of saying Karen) via way of something as simple as a little red hair roller...
...and I'm even more proud of my friend Corn, ah, I mean Karen, for having the nuts to take her own hair before Cancer even had a chance.

Girl, you're so wonderful if you really were corn, you'd be POPCORN!
Because, just like popcorn, you too are loved by everyone!
(although don't go slathering butter on yourself... trust me, it can get messy!)

;)

XoXoXo
-AhMeeMee