If Santa answered his mail honestly...

...letters might look a bit like the following:




Dear Santa
I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling.
You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a friggin' book
so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year,
and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy
in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you,
didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this,
but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy
to get back together.
Please see what you can do?
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter
like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up
to come back to your frigid mom
who rides his ass constantly?
It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike,
a Playstation,
a train,
some G.I. Joes,
a dog,
a drum kit,
a pony
and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
I bet you're gay,
I'll set you up
with a Barbie.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs
and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh.
You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa



Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China.
I have a condo in Miami,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films.
I unwind by drinking myself silly
and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa



Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping,
do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde?
Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year.
Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whinny begging shit may work with your folks,
but that crap doesn't work with me.
You're getting a sweater again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house,
how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
first, stop calling yourself "Marky",
that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school.
Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a
low-rent apartment complex.
Third, I get inside your pad just like
the bogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

(hee hee, that was sent to me in an email from my friend Jen and I laughed SO HARD I nearly wet my pants! HAD to share it here & don't anyone bitch about "oh, it offended me", IT'S MEANT TO BE FUNNY, HAR HAR, GET IT?)
Laughter is good for the SOUL!