I can't believe I'm typing this...
...Grandad'ism's
The long & short of it is, my Grandad (Mother's Father, aka: Raymond Lewis)
was a character if nothing else. He was funny, witty, sweet, loving & FORGETFUL!
*sad how that apple doesn't fall too far from the tree ain't it?*
He's long since passed and although we miss him dearly, not a day goes by (and I'm not kidding, SERIOUSLY NOT ONE DAY GOES BY, that my family members aren't TALKING about him!)
Allow me to elaborate...
Years ago, when my mother (Betty) was younger & Ruby's Nanna T (Allegra) was younger (they are sisters) they were in their bedroom listening to some music. It was a song entitled: Best of both worlds. (don't ask by who, I'm not ancient... ask them *ducking*) My Grandad entered the room & asked " what kind of noise is this?!"
To which they replied: "Dad, it's a song called 'Best of both worlds' by (insert ancient band here)"
He then said " BASKETBALL ROLLS ROYCE? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME FOR A SONG IS THAT?!"
And so it began... the 'GRANDAD'ISM' moment, kinda like a senior moment, only different & subsequently funnier!
Now, MOST ALL OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS HAVE A 'GRANDAD'ISM' MOMENT, thus A STORY TO SHARE! Most of them are not too keen on sharing, unfortunately for them (& fortunately for YOU ALL) I LOVE TO SHARE!
So, without further ado'... the Grandad'ism's:
Mine: While on the phone one day with my friend Krista (friends since grade school) she was mentioning to me what she had purchased her husband for Christmas that year. (was a few years back now...) The following is roughly that conversation:
Krista: "Amy, you're never going to believe what I got Dan for Christmas this year, he's gonna LOVE IT!"
Me: "Kewl, what'cha get him? (a lap dance? hehehe JK)
Krista: "A Sex Phone!"
Me: (silence) -hardly ever happens but this time, oh yeah, it happened.
Krista: "Amy, did you hear me? I am psyched, I got him a SEX PHONE! Do you know how long he's wanted one! They're soo expensive and I saved up & he's gonna be SO SURPRISED!"
Me: (still silent) - here is where I should probably mention that this particular friend was my 'good' friend; ie: goes to church every Sunday, devout catholic, hardly ever swears, etc... you might be asking yourself how she can possibly be friends with me, yet that will have to be a post for another day... back to my silence-
Krista: "AMY, ARE YOU THERE?"
Me: "Yes, I'm here Krista, what did you say you got him again?"
Krista: " A SEX PHONE! He used to have one in high school!"
Me: (mind racing, what the HELL is a sex phone? And where on God's green earth does one PURCHASE SAID ITEM? Christ, and WHAT THE HELL DOES IT DO?! Does it have prerecorded naughty messages? Does it call him in the morning with a dirty wake up call, WTF?!) "Ah, Krista, he had one in high school? ok, I'm lost... I don't get it, why would you buy your husband a SEX PHONE?!"
Krista: "OMG AMY! NOT A SEX PHONE! A SAXOPHONE, A SAXOPHONE! OMG WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT THE HELL IS A SEX PHONE ANYWAYS?!"
ME: "I WAS JUST ABOUT TO ASK YOU THE SAME THING, GOES TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY WOMAN!"
We both had a good laugh over it & I've NEVER been able to make ONE SINGLE PERSON IN MY FAMILY FORGET THIS STORY, it'll probably be engraved on my damn epitaph some day....
Here lies Amy & her sex phone.
May she talk in peace... etc blah blah blah
THANKFULLY, I am NOT THE ONLY ONE (looks at cousin Steve!) with a GRANDAD'ISM...
if I may be so bold, the truth is Good ole' Steve has TWO under his belt!
(again with that apple/tree business, but I digress...)
Steve Grandad'ism #1: The Bob Stanley Channel
(as told to me by Steve himself...)
"I just happened to be talking to my mother one time and I wasn't really paying attention to the tv but in the background, they were talking about the 'fox family channel, it was a commercial for the fox family channel which is now the abc family channel... I thought that they said "THE BOB STANLEY CHANNEL" I thought it was like a baseball commercial type of thing. That's it..."
(wanting this interview to end, asap...)
"For those that don't know, Bob Stanley was a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox:
(Bob Stanley after bumping into him one day when I used to live in South Hamilton.
I was getting my Christmas Tree at Canaan Farms, good ole' Bobby let me take his pic.
*grin* CUZ YOU KNOW I TOLD HIM STEVE'S GRANDAD'ISM!
He said, and I quote: "There SHOULD BE A BOB STANLEY CHANNEL! I'D WATCH IT!"
hehehehe
Ok, and now on to Steve's Grandad'ism #2: The Telescope
"I was talking to Andy (my brother) on the phone & he told me he was on his way to NH to pick up a telescope, at least that's what I thought I heard him say.
He was actually going to pick up a 'pellet stove' for his basement.
I said, what the hell you doing picking up a telescope, you wanna look at stars or something or are you gonna spy on your neighbors?@@?$!~
He said "what the hell are YOU talking about? I'm getting a PELLET STOVE!"
That's it... can I go home now? I gotta COOK!
*laughing* Yes Steve, you can go home now...
Ok, so Steve & I AREN'T the only members of my family to suffer the fate of the Grandad'ism, my Mother shares in our genes as well and her apple fell WAY FAR off the tree, probably in the neighbor's yard, but again, another story for another day.
Betty's Grandad'ism: Prostate (yes, I just typed prostate... go with it.)
My mother was at a family (it's always family, eventually one of us is going to purchase a 'short bus' & NOBODY will question!) party and it was for one of the CHILDREN no less... yes this gets better. It was a birthday party for one of the nieces or nephews, ( I can't keep track, MS memory don't'cha know...) and it was around this time of year, a few years back, but still 'Christmas time' nonetheless, and someone at the party had asked one of the kids what their favorite Christmas special was.
Their reply as heard by my mother: "Prostate"
She nearly fell over...
"PROSTATE?!@#$@!" was all that was said by her...
(in front of a room full of kids NO LESS!)
And someone QUICKLY said "NO, BETTY! FROSTY!!! FROSTY!!!!!
You see, when you people give me grief about a damn sex phone, old Bobby Stanley & his friend PROSTATE are gonna be around for GENERATIONS TO COME!
But wait, there's MORE...
My Aunt Allegra (Ruby's Nanna T.) has one as well... might I share with you all: Leather Toy.
So a few years back, my aunt & I were headed somewhere in my car & I had the radio cranked as usual. I was listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn (good schtuff) and one of the lines in the song is: Won't you be my lover boy...
My aunt (also a church goer & good "girl" pipes in, slightly annoyed "WON'T YOU BE MY LEATHER TOY? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A SONG IS THAT?!#$%#$"
I said "LEGRA, IT'S LOVER BOY, NOT LEATHER TOY! WHERE IS YOUR MIND AT?!"
I nearly drove off the road laughing my ass off! My aunt, Jesus' right hand woman, asking about a leather toy, only IN MY FAMILY! SERIOUSLY!
hehehehehe and yes, I constantly harass her on that as well. LOL
Now, please help me to realize that it MIGHT NOT JUST BE IN MY FAMILIES UNEVEN GENES... DO BE BRAVE & SHARE YOUR GRANDAD'ISM STORIES as I'm SURE if they're anything like mine, they'll be worth their weight in GOLD as far as reading material goes....
EVEN YOU LURKERS, ESPECIALLY YOU LURKERS, NOBODY HAS TO KNOW THE LOGISTICS OF IT ALL, BE STEALTHY BUT SHARE YOUR WEIRDNESS, you're safe here, it's a happy place... SHARE DAMN IT!
hehehe now I'm off to change my pants as I've laughed so hard typing that, I pissed myself.
Pretty picture isn't it? LOL
The long & short of it is, my Grandad (Mother's Father, aka: Raymond Lewis)
was a character if nothing else. He was funny, witty, sweet, loving & FORGETFUL!
*sad how that apple doesn't fall too far from the tree ain't it?*
He's long since passed and although we miss him dearly, not a day goes by (and I'm not kidding, SERIOUSLY NOT ONE DAY GOES BY, that my family members aren't TALKING about him!)
Allow me to elaborate...
Years ago, when my mother (Betty) was younger & Ruby's Nanna T (Allegra) was younger (they are sisters) they were in their bedroom listening to some music. It was a song entitled: Best of both worlds. (don't ask by who, I'm not ancient... ask them *ducking*) My Grandad entered the room & asked " what kind of noise is this?!"
To which they replied: "Dad, it's a song called 'Best of both worlds' by (insert ancient band here)"
He then said " BASKETBALL ROLLS ROYCE? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NAME FOR A SONG IS THAT?!"
And so it began... the 'GRANDAD'ISM' moment, kinda like a senior moment, only different & subsequently funnier!
Now, MOST ALL OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS HAVE A 'GRANDAD'ISM' MOMENT, thus A STORY TO SHARE! Most of them are not too keen on sharing, unfortunately for them (& fortunately for YOU ALL) I LOVE TO SHARE!
So, without further ado'... the Grandad'ism's:
Mine: While on the phone one day with my friend Krista (friends since grade school) she was mentioning to me what she had purchased her husband for Christmas that year. (was a few years back now...) The following is roughly that conversation:
Krista: "Amy, you're never going to believe what I got Dan for Christmas this year, he's gonna LOVE IT!"
Me: "Kewl, what'cha get him? (a lap dance? hehehe JK)
Krista: "A Sex Phone!"
Me: (silence) -hardly ever happens but this time, oh yeah, it happened.
Krista: "Amy, did you hear me? I am psyched, I got him a SEX PHONE! Do you know how long he's wanted one! They're soo expensive and I saved up & he's gonna be SO SURPRISED!"
Me: (still silent) - here is where I should probably mention that this particular friend was my 'good' friend; ie: goes to church every Sunday, devout catholic, hardly ever swears, etc... you might be asking yourself how she can possibly be friends with me, yet that will have to be a post for another day... back to my silence-
Krista: "AMY, ARE YOU THERE?"
Me: "Yes, I'm here Krista, what did you say you got him again?"
Krista: " A SEX PHONE! He used to have one in high school!"
Me: (mind racing, what the HELL is a sex phone? And where on God's green earth does one PURCHASE SAID ITEM? Christ, and WHAT THE HELL DOES IT DO?! Does it have prerecorded naughty messages? Does it call him in the morning with a dirty wake up call, WTF?!) "Ah, Krista, he had one in high school? ok, I'm lost... I don't get it, why would you buy your husband a SEX PHONE?!"
Krista: "OMG AMY! NOT A SEX PHONE! A SAXOPHONE, A SAXOPHONE! OMG WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT THE HELL IS A SEX PHONE ANYWAYS?!"
ME: "I WAS JUST ABOUT TO ASK YOU THE SAME THING, GOES TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY WOMAN!"
We both had a good laugh over it & I've NEVER been able to make ONE SINGLE PERSON IN MY FAMILY FORGET THIS STORY, it'll probably be engraved on my damn epitaph some day....
Here lies Amy & her sex phone.
May she talk in peace... etc blah blah blah
THANKFULLY, I am NOT THE ONLY ONE (looks at cousin Steve!) with a GRANDAD'ISM...
if I may be so bold, the truth is Good ole' Steve has TWO under his belt!
(again with that apple/tree business, but I digress...)
Steve Grandad'ism #1: The Bob Stanley Channel
(as told to me by Steve himself...)
"I just happened to be talking to my mother one time and I wasn't really paying attention to the tv but in the background, they were talking about the 'fox family channel, it was a commercial for the fox family channel which is now the abc family channel... I thought that they said "THE BOB STANLEY CHANNEL" I thought it was like a baseball commercial type of thing. That's it..."
(wanting this interview to end, asap...)
"For those that don't know, Bob Stanley was a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox:
(Bob Stanley after bumping into him one day when I used to live in South Hamilton.I was getting my Christmas Tree at Canaan Farms, good ole' Bobby let me take his pic.
*grin* CUZ YOU KNOW I TOLD HIM STEVE'S GRANDAD'ISM!
He said, and I quote: "There SHOULD BE A BOB STANLEY CHANNEL! I'D WATCH IT!"
hehehehe
Ok, and now on to Steve's Grandad'ism #2: The Telescope
"I was talking to Andy (my brother) on the phone & he told me he was on his way to NH to pick up a telescope, at least that's what I thought I heard him say.
He was actually going to pick up a 'pellet stove' for his basement.
I said, what the hell you doing picking up a telescope, you wanna look at stars or something or are you gonna spy on your neighbors?@@?$!~
He said "what the hell are YOU talking about? I'm getting a PELLET STOVE!"
That's it... can I go home now? I gotta COOK!
*laughing* Yes Steve, you can go home now...
Ok, so Steve & I AREN'T the only members of my family to suffer the fate of the Grandad'ism, my Mother shares in our genes as well and her apple fell WAY FAR off the tree, probably in the neighbor's yard, but again, another story for another day.
Betty's Grandad'ism: Prostate (yes, I just typed prostate... go with it.)
My mother was at a family (it's always family, eventually one of us is going to purchase a 'short bus' & NOBODY will question!) party and it was for one of the CHILDREN no less... yes this gets better. It was a birthday party for one of the nieces or nephews, ( I can't keep track, MS memory don't'cha know...) and it was around this time of year, a few years back, but still 'Christmas time' nonetheless, and someone at the party had asked one of the kids what their favorite Christmas special was.
Their reply as heard by my mother: "Prostate"
She nearly fell over...
"PROSTATE?!@#$@!" was all that was said by her...
(in front of a room full of kids NO LESS!)
And someone QUICKLY said "NO, BETTY! FROSTY!!! FROSTY!!!!!
You see, when you people give me grief about a damn sex phone, old Bobby Stanley & his friend PROSTATE are gonna be around for GENERATIONS TO COME!
But wait, there's MORE...
My Aunt Allegra (Ruby's Nanna T.) has one as well... might I share with you all: Leather Toy.
So a few years back, my aunt & I were headed somewhere in my car & I had the radio cranked as usual. I was listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn (good schtuff) and one of the lines in the song is: Won't you be my lover boy...
My aunt (also a church goer & good "girl" pipes in, slightly annoyed "WON'T YOU BE MY LEATHER TOY? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A SONG IS THAT?!#$%#$"
I said "LEGRA, IT'S LOVER BOY, NOT LEATHER TOY! WHERE IS YOUR MIND AT?!"
I nearly drove off the road laughing my ass off! My aunt, Jesus' right hand woman, asking about a leather toy, only IN MY FAMILY! SERIOUSLY!
hehehehehe and yes, I constantly harass her on that as well. LOL
Now, please help me to realize that it MIGHT NOT JUST BE IN MY FAMILIES UNEVEN GENES... DO BE BRAVE & SHARE YOUR GRANDAD'ISM STORIES as I'm SURE if they're anything like mine, they'll be worth their weight in GOLD as far as reading material goes....
EVEN YOU LURKERS, ESPECIALLY YOU LURKERS, NOBODY HAS TO KNOW THE LOGISTICS OF IT ALL, BE STEALTHY BUT SHARE YOUR WEIRDNESS, you're safe here, it's a happy place... SHARE DAMN IT!
hehehe now I'm off to change my pants as I've laughed so hard typing that, I pissed myself.
Pretty picture isn't it? LOL
No comments:
Post a Comment