Misadventures of a gluestick... (warning, foul language ahead...)

...sadly, I wasn't going to blog about this, far too frustrating & embarrassing if we're being honest, but then again... when am I ever NOT honest?
Never, so... I digress.

It all started when while talking to my dear friend Karen she lent me her fantastic template for her address labels & told me the correct paper to buy etc.

Me: "You mean I don't have to hand write every one?"
Her: "Uh, nope, who does THAT anymore?"

So, it was with much excitement & great curiosity that I headed to staples to purchase a package of Avery Easy Peel Clear Mailing Labels.
(Template 8660 in Microsoft Word, and yes I know I have a MAC and YES my MAC runs MSword... SHUT IT!)

I came, I saw, I bought & left for home... all the while thinking, "wow, why hadn't I thought of this LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO?!"

More digressing...

So, I get home, have my list of address all ready to go, pop the paper into the printer & out them come, glorious 'ready to stick' address labels for my soon to arrive (better f'n arrive asaFp for the money I spent & the fact that I ordered them over TWO WEEKS AGO! sorry, mentally screaming in my head at the idiots at iPad/aka:snapfish...)

I look at them & they look great but why do I have this sneaking suspicion that some thing's not quite right? Hmmm, better get a closer look to be sure, don't want to put them on cards if they're all foobarred, right?

SON OF A.......! THEY'RE OFF THEIR CENTERS! COMPLETELY OFF KILTER!
grrrrrrrrr so I check the settings & try one more time...

Not!
So!
Much!

Seriously ready to scream at this point (& sadly this is barely where the story begins, although at the time I couldn't have known...)


I tried so much that I literally went through the ENTIRE PACKAGE OF LABELS &
NOT
ONE
CAME
OUT
RIGHT!

(someone please come push this dirty fork into my forehead please?)

So, what would anyone do in that situation?
Well what I WANTED to do was to throw myself bodily from my bedroom window to the street below but that would be fruitless as I knew I'd just bounce, so what's the point, right?

I then thought, "ok, fuck it, I can't get these stupid ass labels to print, it's COMPLETELY sucked any/all Christmas spirit out of me for the time being, so I'm gonna MAKE THEM MYSELF WITH REGULAR PRINTER PAPER, SCISSORS & A GLUE STICK!
Hell, I'm crafty, this should be a piece of cake, right?

(*sigh* you stupid stupid girl...)

Addresses are all printed out now on REGULAR BORING WHITE PAPER
(get over it Amy, it's better than the alternative!)

So, feeling slightly victorious, I saunter into the living room with my welfare labels & set them down so as to go grab scissors & a glue stick.

Ok, done.
Now for my little check list:

Cards all folded & in their envelopes? *check*
Festive holiday stamps on every envelope? *check*
Return address stamped in upper left hand corner of every envelope with our own designed 'Momma, Ruby & Ebenezer' family depicted in little black animated characters? *check*
Each address cut out individually & lined up on the ottoman waiting to be glued onto envelopes? *check*

Now, to the glue stick...

I go into the kitchen & reach into my little china cabinet in the hallway ( don't ask, it's usually where I keep most arts & crafts items just because, don't judge me!) hehehe

So, I grab the glue stick & head into the living room, thinking: "This really isn't that bad, sure it's a little more work but really, aren't my friends worth that?
Yes they are, GODDAMN IT!

So, I take the top off the stick & proceed to smear the lovely substance to the back of the address, gently but with firm even pressure, press the homemade label to the envelope & move on to the next one...

...upon moving the first one aside to start the second one, I notice that the label just fell right off the envelope.

What the?!?!?!!#$%@#?

Damn glue stick, I'm not in 4th grade anymore so why can't I make a GLUE STICK WORK?@#!
This ISN'T rocket science... damn you, LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN...

I grab the first label again & AGAIN I attempt to smear the glue onto it & affix it to the envelope...
*EHHHHHHHHHHHH* thank you for playing!

JESUS CHRIST ALL MIGHTY WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?@#$%$%^$

I looked again at my STICK only to realize that, oh it's a STICK allright, but not of glue...
MORE LIKE RUBY'S FACE STICK /SUNSCREEN FROM THE SUMMER!

YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME?? I WAS TRYING TO GLUE LABELS TO MY CARDS WITH HER FREAKIN' SUNSCREEN? OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Could you even IMAGINE what would've happened had I tried to prevent sun damage to her little face with GLUE? OMG talk about being a total DUMBASS!

If I didn't know I would absolutely bounce, I REALLY WOULD'VE JUMPED!

I was so horrified that I could be THAT STUPID that I sat there in angry silence for what seemed like FOREVER... until I realized that my daughter, little miss Ruby Cate, was sitting in her chair in front of me, just staring up at me with this little look on her face as if to imply:
"are you ok Momma?"

One look at her little face & I knew I couldn't lose my cool... I merely walked ever so calmly into the kitchen, replaced the face stick to it's original home & dug the glue stick out from the silverware drawer.
(Yes, that's apparently where I stuffed it at one point, who knew?)

And as my beautiful little girl watched on with much curiosity and a stunningly sweet smile upon her face, I got every last one of those cards done... all the while saying to her: 'This is Momma's work Ruby, no touch ok? No touch..."

Towards the end of the 36 cards, my little noodle bug was repeating to me "No touch... No touch..." having been proud of herself for not only listening but LISTENING.

Yes it's hysterical, yes I'm an idiot, yes you can laugh at this & yes I DID manage to get all my cards out on time, but hear this... anyone who received a card from us had best appreciate it for MORE than just the card it appears to be, but more for the INTENSE LABOR OF FRUSTRATING LOVE that it TRULY WAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL & TO ALL A GOOD FREAKIN' NIGHT!
*laughing*


(GLUE STICK HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!)