Things I wish I knew...
I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before but my child is completely sensitive to sounds.
Not just any sounds, but specifically LARGE MACHINERY!
A lawnmower, a drill, a power saw, a power sander, street crews working outside the house, the vaccuum, the washer & dryer, the dishwasher... you name it!
If it's electric & makes a noise, she's TERRIFIED!
Not just worried, or cautious acting- but downright FRIGHTENED!
She'll run screaming to me from wherever it is she's at in the house & throw herself into my arms, shaking until the sound STOPS!
It just makes me wonder, why is it that she'd be afraid of such things?
Her paperwork says she was found at 2 days old at the front entrance of an emergency help center, although her finding ad says a 'salvage center'.
Which one was accurate? I'll never know...
Were these places LOUD? Were her cries muffled & unheard because of those sounds?
Was she subsequently not found as fast as she could've been had it not been for the noise?
Did her birth mother immediately abandon her moments after giving birth as her paperwork says her umbilical chord was still attached? Perhaps the drama & noises surrounding the birth, abandonment & ultimate finding place all rolled into one was too much for my little girl to handle.
It breaks my heart that there are things that I notice about her that I've never noticed in any other child I've had the pleasure of caring for over the past 16 years.
Her little life didn't start out as theirs... she wasn't held & kissed & loving looked after from the moment of her birth.
Sure her birth mother could've held her, I just can't imagine her NOT holding her baby, if only for a brief time to hug her, kiss her & tell her how sorry she was for what she was about to do. I'm sure it was the hardest thing she's ever done in her life... and I've got to believe that not a day goes by that she doesn't wonder what happened to her baby.
So, for all the 'unanswered questions' I have about her past, her birthmother probably has just as many about her future & will have them till the day she dies.
Each of us with unanswered questions, each of us having to learn to live life without those answers, each of us loving a little girl in our own way, each of us 'mother'.
I can't imagine being in her shoes, not even for a moment because before I ever saw Ruby in person, after only seeing pictures of her, I know that I never could've walked away from her, ever.
I know that the situation in China is far different than here in the states... but desperation is desperation, regardless of where on the map one calls 'home'.
When I was in china & I asked about her finding place & got the run around.
Nobody seemed to want to answer me.
I did get alot of:
"No, she ok, it ok, you not worry..."
etc...
I didn't really think that someone would just sit down & say,
" Ok well here's the deal..."
and give me all the details of that day she was found, but man would it be nice.
I just know it would answer alot of questions I have on certain behaviors she displays concerning things like those sounds.
I know it's something I will probably never know, so I have to just let go of that urgency to find out & surrender it to the universe & try my best to move on, for both mine & my daughter's sake. I hope her birthmother can find a way to move on as well & I hope she knows in her heart that her baby, now my little girl, is safe & happy in the world, with a Momma who couldn't be prouder... even if I have to wait till she's sound asleep to run the dishwasher, do the laundry and vaccuum the living room. It's a very small sacrafice for one very sweet little girl who holds the biggest piece of my heart.
I love you Ruby Cate!
But it sure would be nice... where's a working time machine when you need one?!
Not just any sounds, but specifically LARGE MACHINERY!
A lawnmower, a drill, a power saw, a power sander, street crews working outside the house, the vaccuum, the washer & dryer, the dishwasher... you name it!
If it's electric & makes a noise, she's TERRIFIED!
Not just worried, or cautious acting- but downright FRIGHTENED!
She'll run screaming to me from wherever it is she's at in the house & throw herself into my arms, shaking until the sound STOPS!
It just makes me wonder, why is it that she'd be afraid of such things?
Her paperwork says she was found at 2 days old at the front entrance of an emergency help center, although her finding ad says a 'salvage center'.
Which one was accurate? I'll never know...
Were these places LOUD? Were her cries muffled & unheard because of those sounds?
Was she subsequently not found as fast as she could've been had it not been for the noise?
Did her birth mother immediately abandon her moments after giving birth as her paperwork says her umbilical chord was still attached? Perhaps the drama & noises surrounding the birth, abandonment & ultimate finding place all rolled into one was too much for my little girl to handle.
It breaks my heart that there are things that I notice about her that I've never noticed in any other child I've had the pleasure of caring for over the past 16 years.
Her little life didn't start out as theirs... she wasn't held & kissed & loving looked after from the moment of her birth.
Sure her birth mother could've held her, I just can't imagine her NOT holding her baby, if only for a brief time to hug her, kiss her & tell her how sorry she was for what she was about to do. I'm sure it was the hardest thing she's ever done in her life... and I've got to believe that not a day goes by that she doesn't wonder what happened to her baby.
So, for all the 'unanswered questions' I have about her past, her birthmother probably has just as many about her future & will have them till the day she dies.
Each of us with unanswered questions, each of us having to learn to live life without those answers, each of us loving a little girl in our own way, each of us 'mother'.
I can't imagine being in her shoes, not even for a moment because before I ever saw Ruby in person, after only seeing pictures of her, I know that I never could've walked away from her, ever.
I know that the situation in China is far different than here in the states... but desperation is desperation, regardless of where on the map one calls 'home'.
When I was in china & I asked about her finding place & got the run around.
Nobody seemed to want to answer me.
I did get alot of:
"No, she ok, it ok, you not worry..."
etc...
I didn't really think that someone would just sit down & say,
" Ok well here's the deal..."
and give me all the details of that day she was found, but man would it be nice.
I just know it would answer alot of questions I have on certain behaviors she displays concerning things like those sounds.
I know it's something I will probably never know, so I have to just let go of that urgency to find out & surrender it to the universe & try my best to move on, for both mine & my daughter's sake. I hope her birthmother can find a way to move on as well & I hope she knows in her heart that her baby, now my little girl, is safe & happy in the world, with a Momma who couldn't be prouder... even if I have to wait till she's sound asleep to run the dishwasher, do the laundry and vaccuum the living room. It's a very small sacrafice for one very sweet little girl who holds the biggest piece of my heart.
I love you Ruby Cate!
But it sure would be nice... where's a working time machine when you need one?!
3 comments:
I ran into a woman in the airport recently whose daughter came with a note pinned to her - birth date and 'please find this baby a good home' or something like that. I remember thinking how lucky she was even just to have that ...
p.s. Love the new red blog!
Yeah, it would've been nice but the reality is, more often than not, there is no note, no nothing & the birthdates are all guestimated. It's a reality for those of us adopting & sadly, someday a truth in the lives of our children. If we have a hard time processing this info, or lack thereof, how do we think our daughters will handle that news once they're old enough to understand? *sigh* I will just continue to be right by Ruby's side & hold her hand through every step of her life. It's the best I can offer her... as not only her mother, but her best friend as well.
I just thank God that we can now tell our daughters how much they ARE wanted and how much we love them, and how important they are to us. I do wish we had the answers to all the questions about the beginnings of their lives, however. I wish there was a way to find ALL the pieces to the puzzle of their lives...I'm with you, where's a time machine when you need one!
Robin
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