8-4-05

Ruby In Her Own Time...

It's 12:23am thursday morning, August 4th... called DHL again today to see if any packages were on their way from Bejing... not so much. I don't know why I keep calling, I know in my heart it'll be soon but I just can't stop myself from checking every day.

As I sit here & type the only sounds in my small but cozy apartment are my fingers flying over the keys and my fuzzy "son" Ebenezer, snoring like a champ. This is my life... just me, just my dog, just my thoughts, which most of the time I lose myself in completely.

What will she look like? Will she be cute? Will she have hair or not so much? Will I cry when I find out where she was found? Does this little girl know that a nearly 33year old woman half way across the world loves her more than words can say, even though she hasn't seen her sweet face?
There is so much love for this little girl that we don't know yet, it's unbelievable... every family member & friend & friends of friends are all waiting patiently to see the face of an angel... my ange, Ruby Cate.

I'm reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, A Knights Tale:

"Hope guides me, it is what gets me through the day and especially the night... the hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time that I look upon you..."

When I think of this quote I am compelled to put myself in the birth mother's shoes...

Did she feel the same when laying her baby gently down to be left & ultimately found by someone else so that she may 'change her stars'?
Did she have 'hope' to guide her in her decision to leave such a precious bundle to fate? I wish I could say to Ruby's birth mother... "Yes Mother, she will change her stars, I will see to it with all of my heart.
And although it may quite literally be the last time she looks upon her babys face, I too have hope that for the rest of her life, whenever she sees a successful, happy, asian american woman with American parents, that she will smile & know that whether that woman she just saw was her daughter or not, that her little girl is happy & part of a forever family that would move heaven & earth to suit the stars for her.

My heart breaks for this birth mother... the pieces of my broken heart are so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle...
I will pray for Ruby's birth mother every night for the rest of forever... without her, my dream would never have come true, my dream of becoming a mother.

I'm drained, I should crawl into bed now... more tomorrow I'm sure.

And to Karen who helped me get this 'blog' up & running, my sincerest heartfelt thanks, not only for your help when I needed it, but most importantly, your friendship. Your precious Gwen is one lucky little girl to have you & Scott as her parents!

*hugs* & goodnight...

-Amy